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Fergie Has a Turkey Neck

Fergie spent thirty grand tweaking her face last year, but she overlooked one very important part of the facade: her neck. You can’t do one and not the other. The disparity just makes your fake parts look faker and your old parts look older.

So what can Fergie do? Of course, the best fix for saggy neck skin is to go under the knife (expensive) or radiofrequency/microcurrent therapies (also expensive), but whether budget constraints or a fear of doctors, cosmetic procedures aren’t for everyone. Fortunately, there are plenty of beauty products that cure a burgeoning waddle. Chantecaille’s Biodynamic Lifting Neck Cream is a fantastic product for toning the neck, and Kate Somerville and Erno Laszlo both make great creams specifically designed for the decollete (you can check my top ten beauty products for the neck in the gallery above).

But if you still haven’t found a solution that suits you, don’t worry — there are still other options out there. Ten more options, to be exact. I made a handy list for you:

TEN WAYS TO GET RID OF A TURKEY NECK (OTHER THAN SURGERY OR BEAUTY PRODUCTS)

10. Anti-gravity machine/microgravity tower.

9. Turtlenecks. The higher and thicker, the better — they’re natural waddle camouflage.

8. Scarves (see waddle camouflage, above). Try a bright color or an unusual texture. Just steer clear of convertibles.

7. Unilateral contractual agreement with Satan.

6. Stem-cell soak/placenta wrap (see unilateral contractual agreement with Satan, above). The only drawback is you smell like the inside of a uterus on a hot summer’s day.

5. Boa constrictor (preferably alive). Plus, it’s a real conversation starter!

4. Bathe in the tears of forty virgins on top of a volcano on the night of a full moon. This one can prove a challenge if you don’t live along the Pacific Ring of Fire, but if you need help finding forty sad virgins, allow me to direct you here and here.

3. Find a clock that runs backwards in a train station and camp there.

2. Wild West-style train robber face bandana (EDITOR’S NOTE: this look is NOT a huge hit with the TSA or the carpool line).

1. Industrial strength chip-clip clamped tightly at the nape of the neck.