Heidi Montag’s performance at the Miss Universe pageant last night sucked bigtime (see above), but apparently this was no surprise to pageant insiders. According to TMZ

Sources tells us pageant peeps are concerned that Heidi just can’t pull it off. We’re told “she’s lip-syncing and can’t remember the lyrics” (to her own song!!!), “looks like a trainwreck,” and “she can’t dance.”

Which might explain why NBC shot her performance from thirty feet away with the rapid-angle-change and the occasional 2 second closeup (usually while her hair was in her face), or why they only aired a total of 1 minute and 12 seconds of a 3-minute-34-seconds-long song. Yahoo News says

NBC, which broadcast the event in the Bahamas live, blocked out more than half of her performance as they introduced the 15 finalists.

You can get big fake tits, a nose job, dye your hair blonde and not take off your clothes for Playboy, but that still won’t change the fact that you look like a moose in the final throws of a epileptic seizure when you dance. Or that from the right angle, you look like Willem Dafoe in drag in “Boondock Saints.” Epic FAIL.

Circle jerk, party of 2:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin, Splash News