Jessica Biel stars as a stripper trying to earn money to care for her terminally ill son in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” Now, before you go out and piss away eight dollars to see Jessica Biel naked, you should know there’s a catch: even though she’s a stripper, she never actually gets naked in the movie. Or even topless, for that matter. The Daily Mail says

The cautious actress… has signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see. The contract [bans] shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her bottom (side view only) in the Crash-like ensemble drama Powder Blue.

Well, that’s just fucking genius, man. Hollywood. I swear. Look — strippers strip. That’s just what they do. It’s intrinsic to their character. Centering your movie around a stripper who doesn’t take her clothes off is like casting Will Ferrell in a sports movie without John C. Reily or not killing the token black guy in the first five minutes of a sci-fi flick. It breaks every cardinal rule of movie-making.