It goes without saying because it’s Lindsay Lohan, but of course she’s claiming she never hit any foreigners with her car yesterday, and she’s taken to the interwebs to denounce all the falsities and untruthitudes about her. She tweeted:

Scrape? This is all a complete lie. I’ve been at community service. Last night, I attempted to wish a friend happy birthday, which I didn’t even get to do because I was freaked out by all of the paparazzi. These false accusations are absurd.

And now an “eyewitness” has magically surfaced in Lindsay’s corner — a 16-year-old girl who was “moonlighting as a paparazzo” and just happened to be loitering in the alley behind a nightclub at one in the morning and caught the whole incident from start to finish. TMZ says:

The girl — Sarah — [claims] she went in the alley outside the Sayers Club to speak with Lindsay, who was already sitting in her parked car with a passenger. The manager of the adjacent hookah lounge appeared on his staircase and asked Lindsay what she was doing, and she replied, “Don’t worry we’re leaving.”

Sarah says she was trying to guide Lindsay out of the tight alleyway, which Lindsay successfully navigated and then left. Sarah says at no point did Lindsay strike a vehicle. Even more important, Sarah claims the hookah manager never left his staircase and was nowhere near Lindsay’s Porsche.

Sarah explains in the video how the manager then concocted a story that he and his car were struck, promising, “[Lindsay] is definitely going to pay.”

I know Dina Lohan found some naive teenage girl at a casting call and convinced her that she could become Lindsay’s new assistant if she would cover Lindsay’s ass “just this once.” It won’t be till much later that the teenage girl will learn that her assistant role was an unpaid internship and that being tethered to someone as histrionic and self-absorbed as Lindsay Lohan has aged her five years in the span of six months. And even after she quits, the residual narcissism and cuntiness will continue to affect her for a good two years, albeit with gradually decreasing intensity. I’m pretty sure it works like radioactive half-lives. That poor girl is doomed.