Lindsay Lohan was a no-show at her own birthday party at Las Palmas last night, probably because she was too busy quoting Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights and law professor Erik Luna on U.S. sentencing guidelines. She wrote on her Twitter:

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that….”No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

This was taken from an article by Erik Luna.. “November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission… instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years: scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.”

Just as a recap, Lindsay Lohan was drunk and had cocaine on her person when she crashed her car in May of 2007. She was still drunk and carrying cocaine when she crashed her car in Santa Monica six weeks later. She was charged with 2 DUIs and 2 counts of cocaine possession, as well as driving on a suspended license, underage drinking, fleeing the scene of an accident and transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility. 8 charges altogether, if you’re keeping a running tab. And for those 8 charges — three of which were felony charges, BTW — Lindsay was sentenced to a whopping one day in jail and 10 days community service. She only served a total of 84 minutes in jail, or roughly “3 episodes of The Simpsons, due to “over-crowding.”

I’ll pause here in case the gross violation of Lindsay’s human rights has you feeling so outraged and nauseous that you need to take a break and reflect. Just take a deep breath and let me know when you’re ready. Ready? Okay…

As part of her unnecessarily harsh sentencing, Lindsay was put on three years probation, ordered to pay a couple of fines and complete a series of alcohol education classes that she was to attend once a week. But due to the debasing and “demoralizing” terms of said probation, Lindsay bravely bucked the system and did not complete the classes. So rather than throw her in jail, the evil, evil judge gave her an extension. An evil extension, if you will. And once again, Lindsay held steadfast in her resolve against the human rights infringement that had been so unfairly thrust upon her. And so the evil, evil judge gave her yet another extension, this one with an evil deadline of May 19th. The evil deadline came and went, and Lindsay still had not completed the classes. Then the evil, evil judge demanded that she be in court and explain why she had failed to fulfill the terms of her probation. Except Lindsay went to France instead, probably because they esteem certain unalienable rights there, unlike in L.A.

And so the July 6th hearing was mandated to determine if, in fact, missing nine of her required alcohol classes despite two extensions constituted some sort of probation “violation.” Naturally, the evil, evil judge said it did, and the rest is human-rights violating history. I’m sure when news of her sentencing broke, political moderates lying in ditches in Burundi would have shaken an angry fist at the sky and cursed the name Revel if somebody hadn’t already cut their tongues out and shot off their arms with AK-47s.