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Mary J. Blige’s Ass Eats at Poolside

Mary J. Blige’s ass decided to soak up some sun poolside in Miami this week. Before wrapping things up, it decided to have a quick bite to eat, vigorously chomping down on her bikini bottoms. Not satisfied with that, it also ate some children, a decorative palm, and a tray of food off a waiter’s hand. The waiter, whose hand was badly damaged in the fray, was quoted as saying, “I was just about to serve a customer a double cheeseburger and chocolate milkshake, when Ms. Blige’s ass attacked me. It opened up and sucked in the tray, and my hand was caught with it. It started swallowing more and more of my arm, but a quick-thinking coworker attacked it with a lit tiki torch. I think the ass hairs caught on fire, making it lose its grip momentarily. I’m lucky to be alive.”