Someone is finally telling Mariah Carey no, and this time it’s Britain’s health and safety officials. They flat-out denied her request to be flanked by twenty white kittens and a hundred white doves when she illuminates the Westfield Shopping Center London tonight. The Daily Mail says

The singer had issued a string of extravagant requirements in return for her appearance at the Westfield complex, [including] being driven by Rolls Royce along a pink carpet right to the pink podium where she is to wave a wand to turn on the lights.

Miss Carey [also] wants confetti shaped like butterflies to shower over her [and has] requested an entourage of 15 along with about 80 security guards.

However, her demands for white kittens and doves were turned down. A source said: ‘Due to health and safety, there was no way we could have the animals at Westfield.’

Safety for the kittens, I presume. White kittens are roughly the same size and shape as a Hostess Snoball. Having them at arm’s length from Mariah Carey in semi-darkness could really prove disastrous.

In London earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.

Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:

Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and clutching of the lower back.

^{Click images for NSFW versions}

I’m glad PETA has finally seen the light and done something that can actually resonate with the non-psychotic-and-hopelessly-misguided rest of us normal people. We could give a shit about the way the Colonel fries his chicken or how many crepuscular rodents have to die to make one floor-length chinchilla coat, but we really, really care about boobs. In fact, the only thing we seem to care about more than boobs are vaginas. 260 million pages of archived erotic content can’t be wrong!

Keely from the back:

Nicolas Cage lost his millions buying castles and shrunken heads. (Post Chronicle)

Christina Aguilera starts filming “Burlesque.” I’m guessing she plays the tranny killer. (popbytes)

Because they’re not just for holding up your pants: 68 belt-bra babes! (COED Magazine)

Pamela Anderson admits to using cocaine! (Hollywood Rag)

Johnny Depp is People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. (Socialite Life)

Miley Cyrus says she hates Twilight. I, in turn, hate Miley Cyrus. See how it all comes full circle? (Litely Salted)

When did little Dakota Fanning get so damn hot?! (Moe Jackson)

Ha ha — Lily Allen falls down onstage because of her ridiculous shoes. (Holy Moly!)

Hulk Hogan viciously attacked! (Dlisted)

Cheryl Tweedy’s sexy 2010 calendar. (Hollywood Tuna)

Tom Cruise, or lesbian lumberjack? You decide. (Wonderwall)

Lady Gaga seems to have perfected her tuck game. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Best Twilight spoof yet! (Celebrity Odor)

Brat Pack’s Anthony Michael Hall is a woman beater! (The Blemish)

Brittany Murphy makes out with her dog — literally. (ICYDK)

Shia LeBeouf can’t keep his hand off his wiener. (Seriously? OMG)

^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

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Mary-Kate Olsen made an appearance at the Museum of Modern Art’s Second Annual Film Benefit honoring Tim Burton last night in a knee-length leopard-print coat and a jaunty bowler’s hat. When asked for comment, all she could reportedly say was “Beeeee… gooooooood.”

A few more of Mary-Kate, plus some of the always-disheveled Helena Bonham Carter:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Leighton Meester, but it needs to stop right now. Last week she looked like this. Today she looks like Kristen Stewart’s bloated corpse after it washed up on a river bank. I’m pretty sure only Bruce Banner has ever changed that fast.

At the grand opening of the American Eage flagship store in NY:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Mariah Carey’s interview and performance on Britain’s “This Morning” started 90 minutes later than it was scheduled because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on time or decide which two-sizes-too-small dress to wear once she got there. The Daily Mail says

Mariah was due to arrive at 5 am but [didn't show up until] 6.

After finally arriving at the studios she delayed proceedings further by changing her mind over what outfit to wear.

["This Morning" host Philip] Schofield, who had earlier taken a picture of the star to upload to his Twitter page, was told by her publicity team that Mariah wanted to approve the picture first and banned the presenter from using it.

I really don’t know who these stars think they’re fooling by screening all their publicity photos. I mean really, does she honestly think we don’t know she’s a fatass? Does she think that by only signing off on photographs taken from her “good side” with her hand on her hips and her body twisted at a 45 degree angle and one foot in front of the other, we wouldn’t notice the extra thirty pounds around her midsection? Bitch, please. We’ve seen you in a swimsuit. Your knees look like goddamn Christmas hams and you could fit a fucking grapefruit in that trough of a belly button.

Unscreened pics of her filming a music video in L.A. earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!

When bad breast implants happen to good people… (The Dirty)

Your first look at the naked-but-not-full-frontal Levi Johnston Playgirl pics! (omg blog)

Video of Lindsay Lohan snorting blow with Brandon Davis. (CelebNewsWire)

Chris Brown’s wiener has something important to say. (Hollywood PQ)

Ashley Tisdale bikini pictures put the “meh” in “mediocre.” (The Grumpiest)

Halle Berry’s dad used to beat her! (Socialite Life)

Mariah Carey’s ass looks like a goddamn pancake. (Hollywood Rag)

Move over, Carrie Prejean — Miss Japan 2008 and Miss Trinidad and Tobago 2008 star in a hardcore anal lesbian sex tape. (TMZ)

And you can watch that Miss Japan and Miss Trinidad and Tobago hardcore anal lesbian sex tape right here (scroll to the bottom of the page). (Mr. Skin)

Ashley Green will get your blood pressure up at the premiere of New Moon. (Moe Jackson)

Whereas Jennifer Love Hewitt will just raise your cholesterol a couple of points. Fatty! (Dirty Rotten Whore)

As if you need a reason — gorgeous Salma Hayek pics. (CityRag)

Ever wondered what Megan Fox would look like 150 pounds heavier? Here you go. (CelebJihad)

Ick and double ick: Avril Lavigne is rubbing pork pies with Wilmer Valderrama. (Celebitchy)

Rosie O’Donnell looks like complete and total ass. The years have not been kind, my friends. Nor has the sun. (CelebSlam)

Did Jessica Biel get even more work done on her face? She’s starting to look like a goddamn alien. (UseMyComputer)

It’s hard to know where to look when fat girls try to be sexy. Your instinct is to flatten out and try to be inconspicuous as possible, but then you remember that shortbread cookies and cheese quesadillas are flat, too, and fat girls sure as hell don’t ignore those. So then you think you should maybe crawl under the table to hide, but then you remember that fat girls often hunt the floor in the hopes of finding the occasional wayward M&M that managed to escape their doughy fists before they could stuff it in their big fat pieholes. Basically, you’re screwed every which way you look. Your best bet is to throw something resembling food in the fat girl’s general direction and yell “FIRE!” as you sprint to the closest exit, but unfortunately, that doesn’t work with a video. I know I waved a chicken drumstick in front of my monitor for almost five goddamn minutes before Beyonce finally stopped thrusting her gut at me. Frankly, you’re better off just running away.

At Rihanna’s party at Mahiki with husband Jay-Z:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News