See the kind of quality ass Pauly Shore is tapping. (The Dirty)

Ralph Fiennes is naked and fine. Get it? Fiennes? Ha ha, I hate myself. (omg blog)

Debbie Gibson rockin some seriously toned abs at Pridefest. (Celebrity Odor)

Michael Jackson fans are offing themselves right and left — 12 have committed suicide since his death. (CelebJihad)

Hangover hottie Bradley Cooper is dating Renee Zellweger! Maybe he’s into ugly chicks. (Allie is Wired)

Ha ha — Joan Jett makes Kristen Stewart cry on the set of The Runaways! (Gabby Babble)

Lacey Schwimmer celebrates her birthday by wearing a bikini and taking lots of pictures of herself. (UseMyComputer)

Jolene Blalock. White t-shirt. Water. You do the math. (Fatback)

WTF has Kate Hudson done to her once-beautiful hair?! (Agent Bedhead)

What every sitcom needs — Ugly Betty gets their very own gay porn star! (Websters)

One of the first pictures ever of Megan Fox in a bikini on “Hope and Faith.” (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Courtney Love looks worse than she ever has in her life. Relatively speaking. (Dlisted)

Rihanna’s ass looks RIDICULOUS in that little zippered skirt. Me-ow. (Hollywood Rag)

The Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time, Part IV. (Mr. Skin)

Julianne Moore in a bikini. Hope you’re wearing sunglasses. (The Bastardly)

Here’s how you make Justin Timberlake even gayer. (Socialite Life)

Lady Gaga as… Courtney Love? (Holy Moly)

Guess how much Lindsay Lohan got paid for her stupid Vegas birthday party earlier this week. Nope, not even close. Higher. Higher. You’re getting warmer… (Star Pulse)

Tennis star Anna Kournikova ended up with cuts on her neck after getting into a cat fight at a nightclub in Vegas over the weekend. According to People Magazine

Kournikova and her assistant were sitting at a VIP table when the other woman bumped them. They pushed each other but were separated – until the woman “came back over and threw a drink on [her] and her assistant,” a source said.

Then she and the woman started shoving and pushing each other. The other woman grabbed Kournikova by the neck and pushed her into a wall before security broke them apart.

So Anna Kournikova thought she was hot shit and wound up getting her ass handed to her. Just like she does on the tennis court! How deliciously apropos.

In Maxim:

“Heroes” Hayden Panettiere is C-list at best and remarkably uninteresting, which explains her big decision to drop trou on the big screen in her new shitty movie. According to People Magazine

In the movie ["I Love You, Beth Cooper"], Panettiere plays a high school cheerleader and the object of dorky Denis Cooverman’s affection, and in one locker room scene, the actress drops her towel.

“It didn’t bother me much,” Panettiere said of shooting the reveal. “I was fine.”

She added, “I have the body… if I can’t flaunt it at 20, come on! I might as well show it now.”

Look, naked or not, all I know is if you catch her, she has to grant you a wish. Leprechaun code of honor and all.

Flaunting a bikini in Cannes last month:

90’s supermodel and one of the very first ever Victoria’s Secret Angels Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris yesterday after allegedly threatening to kill her plastic surgeon. The Daily Mail

The 39-year-old is being held in the French capital following ‘vicious telephone calls’ directed at the female medic.

Mulder asked for a previous operation to be reversed. A detective said: ‘She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared.’

But this isn’t the first time Karen’s gone bat-shit insane:

In 2001 she claimed she and other models had been used as sex slaves by senior politicians and policeman, even falsely claiming she had been raped by Prince Albert of Monaco.

She attended a psychiatric hospital suffering from chronic depression, blaming it on drug addiction… [and a] year later attempted suicide by taking an overdose of sleeping pills.

And even when presented with the above information — her compulsive lying, manic mood swings and tendencies for self-harming — 10 out of 10 males surveyed still said they would try to put their penis inside her. I believe the technical term for this phenomenon is “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” You probably learned about it on the playground in grade school.

In an interview earlier this week where she renounced any interest in custody, former wife Debbie Rowe revealed that the late Michael Jackson’s three children were not biologically his own. But the big shocker? They’re not biologically hers, either. Dun dun DUN! TMZ says

Debbie Rowe is not the biological mother of the two kids she bore for Michael. All three children were conceived in vitro. Debbie’s eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services.

Well, if Michael Jackson’s not their dad, then who is? According to Us Weekly

Their biological father is Arnold Klein, Jackson’s L.A.-based dermatologist and Rowe’s former boss.

Okay, so they’re biologically Arnold Klein’s, but legally they’re still Michael’s kids, right? Um, not exactly:

Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children.

As for why Jackson didn’t formally adopt — at the time the kids were born there was no third party whom he believed would try and claim custody. For some reason, Jackson never thought [anyone] would mount a custody challenge.

In other Michael Jackson news, the drug Propofol — which is only available to medical personnel and whose sole use is to put people under anesthesia before major surgery — was discovered at the his home. TMZ says

Propofol can only be administered with an IV. Propofol [produces an intense burning sensation] and the drug Lidocaine is used to reduce the pain associated with the Propofol injection. Interestingly, Lidocaine was found near Jackson’s body [at the time of his death].

One of the major side-effects of Propofol is cardiac arrest if it’s taken in combination with narcotic painkillers; however, Propofol is so powerful it can stop someone’s heart on its own.

Sources say the drug is so inappropriate and reckless for home use, if a doctor facilitated it for Jackson, he or she could be prosecuted for manslaughter.

Stayed tuned for tomorrow’s episode of “As the Michael Jackson Turns,” in which Dr. Rip Studwell reveals that John Black is actually the real Michael Jackson but doesn’t yet know it because of a mysterious case of amnesia, and that the Michael Jackson who died was actually an evil clone engineered by Stefano DiMera in an attempt to take down the Bradys once and for all.

Disturbing facial transformation video here.

One time this guy at the mall told me I looked just like Kate Beckinsale. It’s true, I do. Well, technically, it might not have been a guy who said it per se. It might have actually just been me. To myself. In a mirror. And then I might have made six-shooters with my index fingers and told myself, “You look like Trouble with a Capital T, hot stuff!” and did these little pew-pew-pews with the finger guns and blew on the barrels and winked at myself. Yep, some days it’s all I can do not to kill myself.

In last month’s Italian Vogue:

Jodie Marsh lets her tits hang out while kissing a snake. (Hollywood Rag)

Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox are porking each other now. (Bricks and Stones)

Transformers hottie Isabel Lucas wet and in a bikini. (Egotastic)

Video of Joe Jackson attempts to hawk his record label during Michael Jackson’s memorial tribute. (The Blemish)

Kendra Wilkinson’s sexy cleavage-y photoshoot. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Kellie Pickler and Kid Rock have been dating for over a year! Hope she likes Hepatitis C and Waffle House. (Right Celebrity)

More pictures of Lindsay Lohan looking like a bloated Ethiopian at her Vegas birthday party. (CelebNewsWire)

Kelly Brook in sexy lingerie. What more could you want? (Derek Hail)

The real reason behind Billy Mays’ death. (Celebrity Smack)

The first pictures of Cassie since her leaked topless photos hit the interwebs. (Bastardly)

Mariah Carey dressed as a dude again — this time, as a hotel doorman. (Socialite Life)

Anna Kournikova gets oral! (Hollywood Tuna)

Diane Keaton suffers a head injury while filming sumo wrestling scene! There’s so many things wrong with that statement. (Celebitchy)

Mischa Barton looks like complete ass. (Websters)

String together the last five minutes of 10 “Grey’s Anatomy” episodes and you’ve got yourself “My Sister’s Keeper.” (Pajiba)

Solange Knowles GIGANTIC camel toe. (Seriously? OMG)

Uh oh — someone forgot to retouch Madonna’s Max Factor photoshoot! (UseMyComputer)

The latest issue of Empire magazine has the first pictures of Megan Fox as a demon-possessed cheerleader in Diablo Cody’s new movie “Jennifer’s Body,” in which Megan has a lesbian love scene with co-star Amanda Seyfried. Also included? Obtuse attempts at cultural relevance and painfully scripted witticisms. “That ain’t no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, homeskillet!” Ugh. Thank God for hot lesbian cheerleaders. Is there anything they can’t fix?

Hey, Mariah — Donnie Wahlberg called. He wants to know why you made him look like such a faggot in your new video.

As an egomaniacal diva herself and a man in her new video “Obsessed”:

The first part of Lady Gaga’s name is a term for British nobility. The second half is something a baby says during early attempts at verbalization. She appears to have sewn a gigantic hair button to the top of her head. Given what we know, factoring in current social mores and a margin of error plus or minus five percent, I think we can safely say that Lady Gaga is a fucking idiot.

Arriving at the Manchester Academy:

People Magazine scored the rights to the first official picture of Sarah Jessica Parker’s and Matthew Broderick’s new twin girls Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. Ten bucks says changing their diapers is the closest Matthew’s come to an actual vagina since passing through his mother’s birth canal forty-eight years ago.

You might remember these pictures of Ana Beatriz Barros and Miranda Kerr in the 2010 Pirelli calendar from earlier this month. Well, these are different, because these are HQ, not shitty low-res scans. See the difference? It’s like I’ve taken something wonderful and somehow made it even better, like a raisin covered in chocolate or a monkey in a cowboy suit. Consider it my gift to you.

All pics NSFW: