Dear. God. Why. The Daily Mail says:

In an nod to famous Japanese brand Hello Kitty, she introduces herself, saying: ‘Miaow. I’m Hello Courtney.’

She then jumps off the bed and crawls on all fours before eating and drinking from bowls on the floor and licking her ‘paws’ clean afterwards.

The camera then pans to her having a nap in a wall alcove, where she grimly pretends to cough up a fur ball.

Hey, did I mention she also pretends to crap in a litter box? Because she also pretends to crap in a litter box. The SPCA should have no trouble getting a court order to have her spayed now.

“Half is still better than none” my father once said, but he was talking about the silver filling he was prying out of my brother’s mouth because he was out of meth money, not about some teenage girl’s half-tit hanging out of her shirt. Either way, though, I think it still applies. That kind of fatherly advice is timeless.

Because if there’s anything you want to do braless, it’s ride an ATV:

One of the formerly anonymous John Does who filed a sexual assault lawsuit against John Travolta earlier this month has been revealed, and he’s not a pilates-sculpted blonde with a Castilian lisp and a hairless chest — he’s the huge, hulking 250-pound black guy in the photo above. The New York Daily News says:

John Truesdale — formerly known only as John Doe No. 2 — is a beefy 6-footer with massive arms. He’s a certified nail technician [and] a licensed massage therapist.

So now we know without a doubt that John Travolta’s the catcher in the relationship. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to gouge out my mind’s eye with a juice glass full of gin and some pills I found in my grandma’s medicine cabinet.

Ashley Olsen in a bikini in Maui, even though her tits are smaller than John Travolta’s:

Gwyneth Paltrow single-handedly ruined “The New Girl.” Most actresses would need two hands, but for her, it just comes naturally. (Celebitchy)

Jackie Chan announces that “Rush Hour 4″ and “Karate Kid 2″ are both in the works. (Hollywood Rag)

Daisy Fuentes still looks damn sexy in a swimsuit at forty-FIVE. That’s right, Daisy Fuentes is 45. Damn I feel old now. (Moe Jackson)

All the new foxy faces of the fall TV lineup, because you should be in the know. (COED Magazine)

Chris Brown is as bad a lipsynching as he is at anger management. (Jezebel)

Pete Doherty has the worst case of coke bloat I’ve ever seen in my life. Yikes. (The Blemish)

Marc Anthony’s new girlfriend is WAAAAY hotter than Jennifer Lopez. By three cups sizes, at least. (Celeb Slam)

The trailer proves it: “Bait 3D” is every bit as stupid as you thought it’d be. (popbytes)

Salma Hayek squashes her magnificent bosom into a corset-style dress and has Jack Sparrow do her eye makeup. (Popoholic)

The new James Bond movie has a trailer out now. This might matter to me if I’d seen either of the last two James Bond movies. (Evil Beet)

Erin McNaught gets McNaughty in Maxim. You know I couldn’t resist. (G Celeb)

Let Russell Peters teach you how to be a man. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Sad news: Bee Gees legend Robin Gibbs dies from cancer over the weekend. (INF Daily)

U-S-A! U-S-A! (Caveman Circus)

I’m sorry — what was that? You’ll have to speak up. I couldn’t hear you over Katy Perry’s makeup. They used less foundation turning Marlon Wayans into a Caucasoid in “White Chicks.”

So now that Miley Cyrus’ pantless-blazer getup is out of the way, we can talk about who actually won at the Billboard Music Awards last night. Let’s see — um, there’s Taylor Swift… she’s clearly holding some sort of trophy in that picture, so she must have won something. Probably Best Country Artist or Song of the Year or Most Photogenic, if only because Most Disappointingly Not-See-Through Lace Dress isn’t a Billboard Music Award category. Unfortunately, I’d already uploaded all the Taylor Swift pictures and downloaded Temple Run before I realized there wasn’t a nipslip in the whole bunch, so my hands were effectively tied here. I blame the industry.

The Billboard Music Awards were last night, but you’ll have to fill me in later, because we have more important issues to address than who won what. Namely, Miley Cyrus’ attempt to make an entire red carpet ensemble out of a double-breasted blazer and thorough abuse of a rat-tail comb. All she needs is a pair of red Sally Jesse Raphael’s and a little blue eyeshadow and she’s a sluttier version of Tess McGill from “Working Girl.”

I’m about a day four days late and a dollar short on this one, but Will Smith totally backhanded an Ukranian reporter who tried to kiss him on the lips at the MIB III premiere in Moscow last Friday. As the video amply demonstrates, Will doesn’t go for that shit. Not at all. No, if a man wants to kiss Will Smith on the mouth, then he better damn well have bought him dinner and maybe a bouquet of hydrangeas first. Just because a man’s a closet gay married to a lesbian beard doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a little romance!

The National Enquirer broke a story earlier this week that former “Cosby Show” star Raven-Symoné is a lesbian and dating “America’s Next Top Model’s” AzMarie Livingston. Never one to back down from a fight (or a buffet), Raven took to Twitter to set the record straight. Kinda. She said (via MTV.com):

I’m living my PERSONAL life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I’m dating and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m datings to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life.

It is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!

Forget the whole lesbian thing — I’m still reeling from “I’m a light being made from love.” Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? You can’t say something like that and NOT expect a public outpouring of derision and contempt! It’s the same reason you don’t wear a fanny pack or tuck your pants into your socks. It’s an open invitation for an ass-kicking.

As if you needed a reason to look at pics of former Sports Illustrated cover girl Irina Shayk. (Moe Jackson)

Why it’s a good idea to skip Arby’s for lunch. Unless Arby’s wants to advertise on our site, in which case I advocate Arby’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner! (Hollywood Rag)

The “Anchorman 2″ teaser trailer is finally here! Smelly pirate hookers of the world rejoice. (Seriously? OMG)

How the hell is Diane Kruger making her boobs do that? Is she magic? (popoholic)

Dog the Bounty Hunter is getting real-life death threats. I assume it has something to do with the unholy color of his hair. (Bitten & Bound)

Gasp — are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez really breaking up? Oh, fractious day! (That Gossip Site)

Laughter is the best medicine… so you should look at some funny pictures and tell your boss you’re doing it for your health as part of your long-term plan to lower insurance premiums and ultimately save the company money. (Caveman Circus)

Tilda Swinton as a tranny on the cover of Candy, the world’s first tranny magazine. Really. (Hollywood PQ)

Video of Henry Rollins wrestling an alligator! Because why wouldn’t he be wrestling an alligator? He’s Henry fucking Rolllins! (Pop Candy)

You might not know who this chick is, but she’s a model and her name is Oceana. She’s the closest thing you’ll get to an actual mermaid on a Friday afternoon. (G Celeb)

Rihanna’s tube top is really more of a tube bra. (The Grumpiest)

And speaking of Rihanna, her friends are claiming she’s spiraling out of control on the express train to Whitney Houston-ville. (Evil Beet)

Cheryl Cole says everyone should forgive Chris Brown for that beating he gave Rihanna. Okay, but she can’t seriously expect us to forgive him for “Yeah 3X.” (Holy Moly!)

There’s a reason Chico’s and Coldwater Creek don’t sell string bikinis, people. See Exhibit A: Sharon Stone on the beach in Venice. Gross. Once you hit the half-a-decade mark, you have no business EVER showing your midsection in public. Put that shit under a caftan and stuff it in some support hose and a pair of orthopedic shoes where it belongs.

There are plenty of ways to ruin a good topless shot other than just covering up your tits. You could wear a stupid-looking fez, for instance. You could make sure the pic was low-res and grainy. You could hide the photo in a gay men’s magazine between an article about summer-weight cashmere and the best place to get a mani-pedi in Mykonos. Lucky for us, Rihanna already covered all her bases.

In the July issue of Esquire UK: