Coco is a great visual reminder that you can’t spell “classy” without the word “ass.” You also can’t spell “assertoric” without the word “ass,” but I don’t really see how Aristotlean logic ties in with anything here. Let’s try and keep it relevant, people.

One more of her other S&M outfit and a week’s worth of Twitter pics:

Ashlee Simpson was fired from Melrose Place because the entire cast hated her! (Bricks and Stones)

Guess which Kardashian takes a shot to the face in this clip? (TMZ)

A monkey on a goat on a tightrope. You can’t make this shit up. (omg blog)

The PTC is trying to stop Monday’s Gossip Girl threesome! Now see if they can stop me from not caring. (Seriously? OMG)

Jim Carrey is now a Hasidic Jew. Beard and all. (ICYDK)

Listen to round one of the Michael Lohan’s ET messages. Highlights include “Lindsay sobbing hysterically” and “Lindsay saying no one cares about her.” (ONTD)

Hailey Glassman/Perez Hilton bitch fight! (Bitten and Bound)

Michael Jackson liked urinating in front of small children, says his former doctor. Yeah, that’s fuckin normal. (Hollywood Rag)

Kate Beckinsale stunning as always at the “Everybody’s Fine” world premiere. (Moe Jackson)

Find out why the Army is apologizing to Ryan Seacrest. (Wonderwall)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson vamp it up in this cheesy Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot. (Socialite Life)

British Page 3 Girl Rosie Jones goes topless for your hump day. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Madonna brings Jesus to Valentino’s party. Good thing they make those retractable leashes for people. (Holy Moly)

Taylor Swift’s Guitar Hero commercial! (Gabby Babble)

AnnaLynne McCord nippley-slippley. (CelebNewsWire)

Petra Nemcova gets wet and wild in a Karine Belouaar photo shoot. (Glamcrunch)

You better not ever, ever make fun of Kate Winslet, or she’ll go and sue you for forty grand and somehow win. The technical legal term for said phenomenon is “crybaby puss.” According to Us Magazine

On Tuesday London’s High Court awarded the actress 25,000 British pounds (about $40,000 in American currency) in libel damages from the Daily Mail [for their] January article entitled “Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world’s most irritating actress?” which she said “hurt and embarrassed” her. [The article also] claimed that Winslet, 34, lied about her exercise routine.

In a statement, Winslet said, “I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. To suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.”

Back in grade school, we had the remedy for this sort of tattletale-type behavior. It was called “the purple nurple” and “the swirly.” Too bad she’s no longer bound by the rules of afternoon recess.

Kelly Brook topless in her debut performance in “Calendar Girls,” because we’ve already seen (NSFW) Kate Winslet’s tits, and frankly, (NSFW) they’re disgusting:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly cheating on wife Gwyneth Paltrow with actress Kate Bosworth. Ooh, it’s about to get all kinds of Dynasty in here! According to Star Magazine

[Everyone is talking] about Chris Martin’s hot make-out session with a beautiful blonde who wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, the Brit singer was locking lips with his better half’s good friend, Kate Bosworth!

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” an eyewitness [says]. “There was Chris totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!”

So Chris has a thing for pale, anemic-loooking blonds with bird necks, huh? I guess it’s the closest thing to making love to himself without actually having to use his own fist.

Kate showing nips in Tank magazine:

Nicole Kidman dishes about sex and marriage in a more-than-you-ever-wanted-to-know interview in next month’s GQ magazine. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

‘I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

But she described her present marriage as ‘raw’ and ‘dangerous’.

‘You work on it,’ she said. ‘It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous.’

“Raw” and “dangerous?” I’m sorry — isn’t she married to Keith Urban? The only thing “raw” about that guy is maybe his ass cheeks because his leather pants were so tight they chafed. He’s about as dangerous as a retard wielding a pair of safety scissors and a giant foam finger.

Looking like a wax statue at the Omega store on Fifth Avenue last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Singer Kelly Rowland flounced around in a little white string bikini in Miami yesterday, where she is currently shooting a video with rapper 50 Cent. You’ll remember Kelly as “the ugly one” from the all-girl R&B group En Vogue. No, wait — maybe it was TLC. Or was it Exposé? Dammit, I can never remember. Hang on while I Wiki it real quick. Let’s see… okay, here we go — it says, “who fucking cares.” Hmm. I’ll make sure to write that one down so I don’t forget it next time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Twilight’s Ashley Greene’s sexy Halloween costume. (Use My Computer)

Pictures of Hugh Grant sloshed out of his gourd. (CelebSlam)

Kiefer Sutherland racks up a $700 bar tab — all before lunchtime. (The Blemish)

Just like your frustrated chihuahua, Robert Pattinson humps his pillow. (CelebJihad)

Jennifer Love Hewitt as a Playboy Behemoth Bunny. (Celebrity Odor)

Jennifer Elia is Chastity “Chaz” Bono’s new post-surgery girlfriend. So that would make her… a lesbian? Or possibly a chubby chaser. (Right Celebrity)

Elisha Dushku gets all dolled up for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party. (Moe Jackson)

Jewel bikini pics! (Dirty Rotten Whore)

And even more Christina Ricci bikini pics! (The Grumpiest)

Fergie as Cleopatra for All Hallow’s Eve. (Holy Moly)

Ha ha — Mariah trips and almost eats it while blowing kisses to Jay Leno’s audience. (Socialite Life)

Paris Hilton’s boyfriend is actually a fairy! (Hollywood Rag)

The new “Prince of Persia” trailer is out! (Pajiba)

Robert Pattinson looking sad and anemic in a photo shoot for Vanity Fair. (Hollywood PQ)

Lady Gaga as Hello Shitty Kitty. (Velvet)

Here’s desperate attention-seeker Kim Kardashian skanking it up in another Disney costume for Halloween, this time as Snow White from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” But Kim doesn’t look like the Snow White I remember from the classic Disney movie. She looks more like that chick from “Blow White and the Seven Whores” — Easy, Gropey, Cock, Horny, Anal, and Humpy. There wasn’t a whole lot of whistling while they worked, as I recall. Mostly just screaming and moaning and the occasional gagging noise.

Lady Gaga was one of the guests of honor at the 13th annual ACE Awards in Manhattan last night, and if you’re wondering if she dressed like a complete jackass, well, of course she did. It’s her shtick. It keeps you from noticing how much her music sucks. The Daily Mail says

The singer attended the Accessories Council Excellence (ACE) Awards in New York… [in some very] bizarre headgear.

The 23-year-old singer wore a black lace veil partially covering her Marie Antoinette-style big hair, which was topped with a black beaded crown, a pink bra over a black shirt, pink hotpants, fishnet tights and killer heels.

Boy, good thing she wore that crown. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would have been if someone else had shown up in the exact same outfit?

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

♫”I can show you the world”♫… or you could just show me your tits. I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing anyone really cares about seeing here.

Kim Kardashian as “Aladdin’s” Jasmine for Halloween:

Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine: