Gwen Stefani looks much better in Harper’s Bazaar than the last time we saw her. It helps that she’s not pawing her bikini bottoms out of her ass. (Hollywood PQ)

If you’ve always wanted to know how Tommy Lee Jones serves up the wiener… and you know you do! (Huffington Post)

Katy Perry and John Mayer are getting “serious.” Seriously revolting. (Evil Beet)

How does one go about obtaining the job of “Jessica Alba’s personal leg bronzer?” (Moe Jackson)

Gillian Anderson is a single woman again and ripe for the plucking. (Hollywood Rag)

That cat has devil eyes. (City Rag)

Katie Holmes hires a ‘confidence coach’ to cope with stress of her divorce from Tom. Fortunately, I already have a confidence coach, and his name is Jack Daniels. (Celebitchy)

Miley Cyrus looks shitty as a blond and even shittier as a prisoner-of-war being held hostage in the eighties. Boo, you suck, Miley Cyrus! (INF Daily)

Joan Rivers handcuffs herself to a Costco shopping cart because they refuse to stock her book. (The Blemish)

Sixteen pearls of wisdom from Lao Tzu. Memorize them so you can sound unbearably pretentious at the next office Christmas party. (Caveman Circus)

Fredrica Narga’s skin looks like it was spun from caramel. Thank you, baby Jesus. (The Grumpiest)

The sexiest javelin throwers of the Olympics. I guess the blind archers were too busy. (COED Magazine)

Three cheers for Maria Menounos’ bikini booty! They made me say that. (Popoholic)