Jessica Simpson stole Kourtney Kardashian’s baby name! And nobody cares. (The Stir)

And this is why you want to stay in school: the video. (Caveman Circus)

Vanessa Paradis was a naggy old shrew and Johnny Depp was boozing hard. This sounds like every marriage I’ve ever had. (Hollywood Rag)

Carrie Underwood is super-blonde in next month’s issue of Elle Canada. (G Celeb)

Mila Kunis shows off a little cleavage in Elle UK. (Hollywood PQ)

And for an Elle trifecta, we also have Katie Holmes in this month’s issue, foreshadowing that she was about to quit Tommy’s ass months before she ever filed. (Celebitchy)

Heidi Klum posts some attention-whoring photos of her bikini bod on the interwebs. (Bitten & Bound)

Was Jessica Simpson pounding brewskies while she was breastfeeding? I dunno, I didn’t actually read it. (Evil Beet)

Candice Swanepoel’s boyfriend’s bikini bottoms are smaller than hers. (Moe Jackson)

Miranda Kerr and the world’s luckiest rope in Harper’s Bazaar. (Skinny vs Curvy)

Melissa Satta is the proud owner of the world’s most impressive bikini booty. I’ve made her a sash and everything. (The Grumpiest)

Katy Perry carries her personal effects in the same spot my grandma does — wedged down in the folds of her cleavage. It’s convenient so long as you don’t mind a little sweat. (popoholic)

Cee Lo Green should never pull up his shirt again. EVER. (Seriously? OMG)