The lovely Michelle Hunziker in Vanity Fair Italia. (G Celeb)

Miss Teen Utah Liz Leyda will make you wish you were still in high school. (Moe Jackson)

Now you know the technical definition of the term “douche muffin.” Make sure to use it appropriately. (The Dirty)

If your game is currently sucking, this will fix you up in a jiffy. People still say “jiffy,” right? (Caveman Circus)

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick shirtless for Hudson jeans made my panties hit my knees. Oh, wait — the elastic’s shot. I guess it was just a coincidence, then. (Styleite)

Anderson Silva’s Burger King commercial is utterly insane. (Cage Potato)

Ha ha — Paris Hilton’s new reality show gets canked by Oxygen. (Anything Hollywood)

Christina Aguilera didn’t give her son a black eye. Her drinking did. (Gone Hollywood)

Ashlee Simspon is drunk dialing ex-husband Pete Wentz and begging him to come back to her. The only way that’s gonna happen is if she grew a penis in the last year. (Celebitchy)

Ashton Kutcher dressed in a bulletproof vest and riot helmet for his appearance on Letterman. God, I liked him so much better when he was just Kelso. (Bitten & Bound)

Victoria Silvstedt trolling for perspective johns in an army green bikini. (Hollywood Rag)

Lindsay Lohan calls up Steven Soderbergh and begs him to tell the tabloids that he never said he wouldn’t hire her. He, in turn, gives her the finger. (Amy Grindhouse)

Hilary Duff knows there no better kind of maternity wear than a pair of coochie-cutting daisy dukes. I think they even recommend them in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” (Popoholic)

Life lessons from the Spice Girls! Number one: never be a fucking Spice Girl. (College Candy)

I truly have seen everything: the top spitting fetish videos on YouTube. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m gonna hit the shower and stare at pictures of puppies until these images are fully repressed. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lindsay Lohan keeps telling the world she’s the incarnation of Marilyn Monroe. Um, NO. (Holy Moly!)