Scarlett Johansson is on the April 2009 cover of Vogue Paris, looking like she could fall asleep at any second as the magazine labels her “The Anti-Marilyn” (as in Monroe).
Whatever, France. Marilyn Monroe may have been a bipolar pill popping floozy, but she was at least 763% more interesting and charismatic than stupid dumb Scarlett Johansson. The only things ScarJo has going for her are a fantastic rack and a smokin’ husband. From the neck up, she’s usually at least eight kinds of hot mess, and every time she opens her mouth she somehow manages to be both completely jackassy and intensely boring at the same time. Also, nobody wants to be this familiar with her nostrils. Knock it off, France. Go do something useful. Make me some brie. With sliced strawberries. And those tiny toast crackers that taste kinda like unseasoned croutons. Jesus, I’m starving. Fix it, France! Lazy bastards.
The real Marilyn: