The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and I am contractually obligated to talk about it, so let’s talk about it, shall we? It was alright, I guess, for an award show sponsored by the soul-sucking corporate conglomeration responsible for the talentless and plastic being propped up by the media machines intent on capitalizing on their image. You know, as those things go.

The night kicked off with a hilariously embarrassing pre-taped Lindsay Lohan skit (see above) in which she admonishes host Chelsea Handler about her drinking. Ha ha, get it? Because Lindsay was in jail for drinking! It’s ironic, see? Us Magazine says:

VMAs host Chelsea Handler, wearing a pre-show robe, encounters Lohan backstage.

“Hello, Chelsea,” Lohan says. “Have you been drinking?”

Handler denies it, but Lohan asks: “Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” pointing a blinking device on Handler’s leg.

The comedienne explains: “That just means my table’s ready at Cheesecake Factory.” Lohan then gets tough, grabbing Handler: “Wake up Handler! Pull it together! You’re late! [for the show]”

“You turned your life around,” Handler surmises. “Maybe I can too.”

Just because you have to piss in a cup twice a week and give it to a probation officer doesn’t mean you’ve embraced sobriety and turned your life around. The skit would have been a lot funnier if she actually had proven she was sober. But I digress. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift, who, incidentally, still hasn’t moved on from Kanye West storming the stage when she accepted her Best Female Video award last year. In fact, she’s here to sing a song about it:

And then Kanye responded to her melodious offer of forgiveness with a toast to the “douchebags, the assholes, the jerkoffs and the scumbags.” Man, this never gets old!

And then Lady Gaga won every meaningless award possible, changed dresses three times, and finally ended up wearing a frock made of (fake) meat that exposed her ass. That’s about all I remember. By that point I was too busy mourning the part of me that died inside after having to watch it. And by “mourning” I mean “drinking.” I find disgust and disillusionment go down a lot easier with a bottle of tequila.

God and damn, Marisa Miller. That is all.

Megan Fox addresses the blurry topless pic of her that was taken on a cell phone while she was filming “Passion Play” (photo here) in her interview in next month’s issue of Allure magazine. You’re sitting on the edge of your seat right now and trembling with anticipation, I know. MSNBC says

“If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm — physical harm,” Fox told Allure. “I’m not a fucking reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fucking picture taken all the time. I’m at my job and I’m trying to play a character and I’m trying to be serious, and this is the shit that’s happening to me. It makes me furious.”

But wait — there’s more:

As for industry events, Fox said, “Everyone blows sunshine up everyone else’s ass. I hate receiving compliments. I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced and fake.”

It feels fake because it IS fake. You’re a shitty actress that happens to have great plastic surgery. Congratu-fucking-lations. What gets me, though, is all this righteous indignation about that one stupid picture. It’s not like you see anything in the first place, A, and B, if she’s topless for the movie, we’re going to see that exact same fucking pic again, only higher-res and moving at 24 frames a second. Perhaps no one told her that when you’re topless for a movie, people see you topless. It’s a difficult concept to comprehend, on par with string theory and the concept of the space-time continuum.

In Allure (rows 1 and 2); with Brian Austin Green at a Lakers’ game this week (row 3):

PHOTO SOURCE: Allure, Pacific Coast News

The 2010 Country Music Awards were last night, and I’m not even gonna pretend like I watched them or even knew they were on in the first place, because I think we’re at a point in our relationship where we don’t have to put on airs for each other anymore. Not that it wouldn’t kill you to close the bathroom door once in a fucking while, but that’s a conversation for another day. I just don’t have the energy to get into that this morning.

Anyway, Carrie Underwood became the first woman to win country music Entertainer of the Year two years in a row last night blah blah blah yee-haw. MSNBC says

Underwood won the show’s top honor last year. This year, she beat out Taylor Swift, Kenny Chesney, the Zac Brown Band, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, George Strait and Keith Urban.

Top-selling trio Lady Antebellum were the dominant winners, grabbing five trophies, including song and single record of the year for crossover hit “Need You Now,” while also snapping Rascal Flatts’ seven-year run as best vocal group.

I bet you never noticed, but the letters in “Lady Antebellum” can be rearranged to spell “dumb anal telly” and “yell lube and ATM.” I don’t know what kind of foul butthole fetishes these so-called “country singers” are covertly promoting, but I, for one, will not stand for it. Mostly because then my anus would be exposed, and I can’t take that kind of chance again. Not after what happened at the Grammys.

Lots more pics from the red carpet after the jump.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban:

Taylor Swift:

Carrie Underwood:

Leann Rimes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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The 82nd Annual Academy Awards were last night, and other than The Dude winning for “Crazy Heart” and “Avatar” getting rightfully snubbed (“unobtainium,” anyone?), it was a completely forgettable affair. I remember some big fat black chick winning for something, and then she somehow turned into an even bigger, fatter, blacker chick by the end of the night, for which I have no explanation other than James Cameron and possibly peyote.

But the one thing I do remember are the dresses, and while there were plenty of disappointments, a few stars really stood out this time. Kate Winslet, for one. And her dress wasn’t even that spectacular, but paired with the jewelery and the hair and the makeup… I don’t know… she just looked perfect. Versace did Demi Moore and Elizabeth Banks proud, and as much as it pains me to say it, I thought Kristen Stewart’s dress was fantastic. I’ll save the rest of my vitriol and condescension for the worst-dressed, coming up next. Stay tuned!

If you care about this sort of thing, a list of the night’s winners here.

Kate Winslet in Yves St. Laurent and $2.5 million Tiffany jewels:

Elizabeth Banks in Versace:

Demi Moore in Versace:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

The rest of the best after the jump.

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It’s not often that I’m at a loss for words, but these pictures of Olivia Wilde in Elle magazine have just about done the trick. Adjectives fail me. So suffice it to say, “rrrmmmbleghrmmmbleghrrmm.” Motorboating noises are my go-to staple in times of uncomfortably aroused distress.

Lindsey Vonn, the most successful female skier in history, took home the gold in the Olympic downhill in Vancouver yesterday, and she’s expected to win at least two more in the next few days. So I thought it was only fitting that I post these pictures of her in a bikini in Sports Illustrated. You know, so you could get a load of her “mounds” on the, um… “peaks.” Okay, I’ll stop now.

AskMen.com revealed the results of their 99 Most Desirable Women of 2010 poll yesterday, and get this — your precious Megan Fox didn’t even make the top ten. According to Yahoo News

Megan Fox is not so foxy after all. The “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” star plummeted from a No. 2 position on [AskMen.com's] Top 99 Most Desirable Women in 2009 to a No. 11 position on the 2010 list, with “Entourage” actress Emmanuelle Chriqui snagging the No. 1 spot.

[The top ten included: 10. Miranda Kerr, 9. Eva Mendes, 8. Cheryl Cole, 7. Penelope Cruz, 6. Beyonce, 5. Jessica Alba, 4. Alessandra Ambrosio, 3. Kate Beckinsale, 2. Marisa Miller, 1. Emmanuelle Chriqui.]

Really? Emmanuelle Chriqui ahead of Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio AND Marisa Miller? Come on. Sure, Emmanuelle’s got a great body, and yes, her rack is spectacular, and maybe I want to get lost in her limpid brown eyes and drown myself in the sea of her smile forever, but… um, I forgot where I was going with this exactly. Anyway, mazel tov, Emmanuelle!

Emmanuelle and her funbags at various events over the year, plus some old pics from her GQ shoot:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online, Bauer-Griffin Online

I hope all you sluts and perverts have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve, and assuming I have enough cash stuffed in my thong to make bail, I’ll see you back in this joint next year.  Kisses!

Lindsay Lohan’s pairing with French design house Emanuel Ungaro didn’t go over so well with the critics at Fashion Week, but not to worry — it drew rave reviews from meth-addicted exotic dancers with bastard children. The Daily Mail says

The collection prompted only lukewarm applause when Lohan and [new head designer Estrella] Archs came out onto the catwalk after the show.

Fashion critics looked aghast at Lohan’s bra tops and stripper-inspired nipple pasties.

The thigh-skimming dresses in peach, hot pink and white [and] the sparkling nipple pasties flashing from underneath loose blazers were a reminder of Lohan’s own occasional wardrobe mishaps.

‘It’s not good to show your nipples so they should be covered,’ Lohan [said], referring to the heart-shaped pasties.

Lindsay Lohan thinks it’s “not good to show your nipples?” Am I taking crazy pills? What about this? Or this? Or this, this and this? It’s almost impossible to find a picture of Lindsay Lohan where she’s not showing her nipples. You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t call the kettle black. Frankly, that’s just being racist.

Pics of her at the show, plus bonus video of her rapidly aging before your very eyes thanks to the magic of cigarettes and purging after the jump:

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Here’s a delicious sample of Page 3 girl Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Erotic Calendar.” Not to be confused with Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Psychotic Calendar,” which mostly consists of pictures of me jumping out the dumpster behind her flat and hacking off my own ear with a Swiss Army knife while she stands there screaming. Those pics still technically belong to Scotland Yard.