You’ll remember I told you yesterday about Nic Cage’s son Weston being handcuffed and hospitalized on a 5150 hold after he tried to roundhouse kick his personal trainer in the face while dining at a Hollywood restaurant. Well, now there’s video of the incident in question, but it doesn’t exactly corroborate the story that was given to TMZ — instead of Weston going apeshit on his trainer and having to be subdued, the video shows the trainer whaling on Weston while he lies there motionless on the sidewalk. And to add insult to injury, the man punching Weston in the face 13 consecutive times wasn’t so much his “personal trainer” as he was “his former high school wrestling coach turned bodyguard.” As in Weston’s bodyguard. Radar Online says:

Kevin Villegas, the man who beat up Nic Cage’s son Weston, was his high school wrestling coach and had been hired to protect the actor’s son.

The brutal beating was caught on video and is now the subject of a police investigation.

Weston needed eight stitches for facial injuries and is being evaluated for head and brain trauma.

“He deliberately provoked Weston,” one source said of Villegas. “And he wouldn’t stop even though people were telling him to. He could have easily subdued [him, but instead he] took advantage of Weston because he knew he was in no condition to defend himself at that time.“

Beaten by your own bodyguard. Wow. I didn’t know irony could pull down your pants and taunt you like that. It’s really the most vicious of all the rhetorical literary devices.

Nicolas Cage’s tubby emo son Weston Cage was forcibly removed from a Hollywood restaurant and placed on a 5150 psychiatric hold yesterday after trying to roundhouse kick his personal trainer for denying him an item on the menu. Not making this up. TMZ says:

Weston was at The Farmer’s Kitchen in Hollywood at around 4:00 when his trainer told him he couldn’t eat something on the menu. Weston went off and started pushing the trainer in a violent way, at one point trying to roundhouse the trainer.

The trainer took Weston down, and someone else tried calming [him] down, to no avail. Weston continued freaking out.

Cops showed up and told Weston if he didn’t get on the ground they would tase him. Cops put Weston in handcuffs but he was [so] unstable, they strapped him to a gurney.

It’s unclear if Weston was under the influence of drugs or alcohol but people who work at the restaurant say he appeared to be under the influence of something.

Weston was taken to a local hospital where he is being evaluated.

One source says Weston got into a nuclear argument with his new wife, Nikki, this morning and she stormed out of their house.

We don’t know what instigated this downward spiral, but we can’t rule out his having watched one of his dad’s last three movies. I’m pretty sure attempting to roundhouse kick the person closest to you is a normal response to seeing “Drive Angry.” It’s one of the classic five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, roundhouse kicking, and then acceptance. All he needs is a little more time.

Everyone in Hollywood hates Lindsay Lohan, and I do mean everyone. Case in point (via Radar Online):

THE place to be in Hollywood Thursday night was the Victoria’s Secret party at Trousdale…that is if you were anybody other than Lindsay Lohan.

While celebs like Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton and Russell Brand [got in], Lindsay was blocked at the door.

“As soon as she strolled up to the door, the rope was quickly pulled in front of her,” an eyewitness [said]. “She tried to pass the big bodyguard but he blocked her way.” No matter what Lindsay did, she couldn’t get in.

Lindsay didn’t care and still tried to barge her way through, our eyewitness says. “But the security guys weren’t having it and escorted her to the exit.”

De-nied. Publicly. How embarrassing, right? Not if you’re so fucked up you don’t even remember it happening, baby! Yeeeah! High five! Only thing is, the cops sure do. In fact, they remember it so well they considered putting her in an involuntary hold at a mental hospital for psychiatric evaluation, a la Britney Spears. According to TMZ:

Cops who see Lindsay at her worst — late nights and early mornings when she needs assistance avoiding the paparazzi — [say] they have been concerned about her “erratic behavior” which [has] grown progressively worse over the last few months.

We’re told during one of Lindsay’s crazier nights out recently, cops became so concerned they discussed taking her in for a 5150 evaluation.

Cops decided against it because she didn’t meet all the criteria for a 5150 — they felt she could still take care of herself — though feebly.

I happen to speak a little cop, and “ultimately didn’t meet all the criteria for a 5150 hold” just means “she’d already shat and pissed herself and hell if I’m gonna haul her anywhere in my squad car and have to smell her ass for two goddamn weeks, because that kinda stank lingers.” The cops thought I was unconscious that one time they found me in the ditch, but really, I heard everything.

Discreetly smuggling cocaine in her shoes Saturday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

David Hasselhoff — who has been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning more than five times in the past three years, by the way — was rushed to a hospital by ambulance Friday after suffering another alcohol-induced seizure. Only now the bastards aren’t letting him leave. Radar Online says

David Hasselhoff is under an involuntary psychiatric hold in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

He was picked up under the California Welfare and Institutions Code 5150 that allows authorities to take into custody persons they believe may be a danger to themselves or others, are gravely disabled or suffer from a mental disorder. Cedars-Sinai doctors agreed he needed to be admitted, and under Code 5151, hold him for up to 72 hours for a psychiatric evaluation.

Things [were] so severe that for a while [Hasselhoff] was disoriented and didn’t recognize people he knew.

Just like the turkey and the apple pie, drinking yourself retarded is a standard holiday tradition around my house. You can’t attack a man for embracing one of the most sacred and long-standing institutions of Thanksgiving. It’d be like punching baby Jesus for crapping in the manger. Some of us like our holiday heritages, thank you very much.

Being forcibly removed from your home because you’re intent on killing yourself just isn’t the page turner it used to be. Just ask Mischa Barton! According to Page Six

A high-level magazine editor tells us Mischa’s publicist was pushing hard for his recently hospitalized client to land the cover on one of the celebrity weeklies. She didn’t. “As sad as Mischa’s recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares,” said the editor.

It seems like nobody cares because no one does care. People would rather read about Robert Pattinson’s choice of hemorrhoid ointment than read about Mischa Barton’s goddamn sad feelings. At least Britney Spears had the good sense to shave herself bald and hold a minor hostage when she got dragged off to the looney bin.

Paris Hilton in FHM because even SHE is more interesting that Mischa Barton:

Mischa Barton’s 5150 hold last Wednesday was the result of a three-day long coke binge that left her so depressed that her friends believed she was going to kill herself. White devil, white devil! NY Post

Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. Barton [was later seen] stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless.

A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.

You can survive a bad review, but when you don’t show up for the premiere of your new film, it’s not a good sign of where your career is heading.”

This is where your career ends up going. Just ask Lindsay Lohan:

At the opening of a Harrod’s store earlier this summer: