Rumor has it that 90210’s AnnaLynne McCord can be all yours — so long as you’ve got the right stuff. “The right stuff” being something in your pants that’s six inches long and two inches wide that absolutely drives her wild. I’m talking about money, of course. What did you think I was talking about?

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page because it’s not Marcia Cross‘ bat face.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Rumer Willis will be playing Jessica Lowndes’ lesbian girlfriend on an upcoming episode of 9021Nobody Gives a Shit Anymore. Seriously, is that the best they could do? Rumer fucking Willis and her big fat potato head? I don’t think that would make Jessica a lesbian as much as it would make her a Lachanophiliac, or “lover of vegetables” to the layperson. And by the way, you would not BELIEVE the evils that come up when you type “vegetable fetish” into a search engine. Dear God. I’m not going to link any of it, but just think of an alternate meaning for the word “vegetable” that has nothing to do with a plant. Yes. Now you’re getting it. I’m pretty sure we’re both going to hell now.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I couldn’t put my finger on where I’d seen this girl before. God knows it wasn’t from 90210, because I’d rather douche with fire ants than watch that shit. No, I recognized Jessica Stroup from her role as the Dentyne Ice girl from the commercial a few years back. And also from “The Hills Have Eyes 2: Mutant Attacks.” It’s a classic!

Incredibly disturbing Jessica Stroup “thinspiration” video after the jump

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What the…? This is Shenae Grimes, one of the idiots from that “90210″ remake.  She went shopping at some dumb store called American Rag in LA yesterday, and seriously, does she have special needs?  The hell is she wearing?  I’ve never watched the new “90210″ because I’m not 12, but I hope Kelly Taylor is shunning the fuck out of this chick for dressing like the girl version of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo after a head injury.

That crappy new 90210 show blows even harder than the first one did, but thank God for it, because it gave us the likes of AnnaLynne McCord in next month’s GQ. Fun fact: the word “anal lord” is hidden in her name. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. But I find that nothing solves a good mystery like a little ether, a couple of zip ties and a nice long three-day weekend. They don’t call me the Encyclopedia Brown of the Gossip World for nothin’, you know!