I already told you about this four months ago, but it’s finally being confirmed — Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are dating. Page Six says

The blond actress was photographed at Friday’s game, cheering on the Bronx Bombers at the new Yankee Stadium.

But the real action came later that night at Mustang Grill on Second Avenue… [when a] bartender at the Southwestern joint “[asked] patrons not to go in the back room around 1 a.m. because A-Rod and Kate Hudson were back there making out.”

One staffer at the restaurant confirmed the two were there celebrating… although she did not witness any lip-lock herself.

The two were [also] spotted over the weekend outside the glamorous 15 Central Park West, where A-Rod rents an apartment.

For the record, making out with a guy in the back of a bar does NOT mean you’re dating him. It just means he picked up the tab. Am I right, ladies?

At the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month:

Now that Madonna isn’t as interested in him anymore, Yankee star Alex Rodriguez is moving on to greener pastures. Or at least less gristly, placenta-scented pastures. According to Page Six

Last week he took Kate Hudson out on a date. Our spy says they had a three-hour meal at the Lure Fishbar… and were “very cozy.” Later, A-Rod went with Hudson to the Rose Bar, where they met up with her friend Ron Burkle.

I don’t know how A-Rod will handle dating a woman who couldn’t beat him in an arm-wrestling contest. For Chrissake, his ex-wife looked like Juggernaut with breast implants and a cheap wig, and Madonna could easily pass for the She-Hulk. And I know what you’re thinking here: why hasn’t there been a Juggernaut vs. the She-Hulk in any of the Marvel comic books? And to that I would credit the failure of the Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk comic book miniseries, in which Wolverine is contracted by Nick Fury to assassinate the Hulk between Ultimate X-Men issues 69 and 71 and before Ultimates 2 issue 11. There was supposed to be one new major Ultimate character introduced (rumor has it it was Ultimate She-Hulk), but after only two issues, the series was canked, thereby taking with it any chances for a Juggernaut vs. She-Hulk epic battle. So there you have it. And for the record, I did have sex with an actual man that one time, no matter what the guys in my Jedi Council forum might have told you. Trust them do not, for liars they are!

At the People’s Choice Awards last week:

I have no idea why anyone gives a shit about either A-Rod or Madonna.  They’re both hideously ugly and totally boring.  But if you mysteriously care about the state of their asinine relationship, here’s what A-Rod told People:

“We’re friends,” Rodriguez, 33, says.

Asked if there is any romance between them at all, Rodriguez reiterates, “We’re friends – that’s it.”

While rumors have swirled that the slugger and the singer, 50, have been carrying on a romantic relationship and flying around the country in order to spend time together, “I can tell you this,” Rodriguez says, “I have never been on a plane with her.”

“You have to have a sense of humor when it comes to this stuff,” Rodriguez adds.

When pressed on how much time they have spent together, and whether he had ever stayed the night at Madonna’s home, Rodriguez laughed: “If I answered every rumor we’d be here for three weeks.”

Ugh.  Yaaaaawn.  God, somebody wake me up when Lourdes snaps and starts acting out, okay?  But only if she waxes her eyebrows first.  I got standards, yanno.

Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says

Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.

I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims

Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”

The Daily Mail adds

Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.

The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:

‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’

Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’

Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!