Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps totaled his Escolade last night after speeding through a red light and into another woman’s car. According to the Daily Mail

Fortunately, the man dubbed the ‘human dolphin’ [and the two passengers traveling in his Cadillac Escalade] were not injured, [but] the other driver was ‘shaken up’ by the incident and taken to a local hospital as a precaution.

A report claimed that Phelps was speeding before the accident and ran a red light, resulting in the two-car collision.

Police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi confirmed that the athlete had been interviewed by police and alcohol was not a factor.

Maybe he wasn’t drunk, but there’s still a good chance he was high. But lucky for him, unless the cops smell it, there’s no way to test for marijuana on the scene. My attorney told me finding an economy sized bag of Funions in the passenger seat and Dark Side of the Moon in your disc player doesn’t mean shit in a court of law. So you can suck it, coppers!

UPDATE: In the name of journalistic integrity, I feel compelled to report that it was the other driver who ran the red light, not Michael Phelps.

Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter Exodus is on life support today after somehow getting her neck caught in a treadmill cable over the weekend. People Magazine says

The girl was reportedly found by her 7-year-old brother with her neck caught in a cable attached to a treadmill.

The boy alerted the girl’s mother in another room. Her mother called 911 and tried to revive her. Mike Tyson was said to be in Las Vegas at the time of the accident, but has returned home.

Phoenix police told FOX News, “Somehow she was playing on this treadmill, and there’s a cord that hangs under the console – it’s kind of a loop. Either she slipped or put her head in the loop, but it acted like a noose, and she was obviously unable to get herself off of it.”

Emergency personnel performed CPR on Exodus, who was rushed to St. Joseph’s Hospital where she remains on life support. [Officers] described her condition as “extremely critical.”

If there’s one thing my years as a professional journalist have taught me, it’s that innocent children on hovering on the edge of death aren’t exactly “snark material,” so enjoy these pictures of Kim Kardashian in a bikini instead. And then go hug your kid if you have one.

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Exodus died at 11:45 this morning. So, so sad.

I guess even the luck of the Irish runs out sometimes — Liam Neeson’s wife of fifteen years is reportedly suffering brain damage after sustaining a massive head injury while skiing in Quebec. The Daily Mail says

Actress Natasha Richardson was critically ill with a ‘traumatic head injury’ today after a skiing accident in Canada. Richardson, 45, was injured at the Quebec resort of Mont Tremblant.

Her husband Liam Neeson, who was filming in Toronto, flew to be at her bedside.

In the immortal words of Qui-Gon Jinn, “It will be a hard life, but you will find out who you are.” Our condolences to him and his family during this difficult time.

Days after he was involved in a serious car accident with “family friend” Demaris Meyer, Morgan Freeman announced he and his wife of 24 years were divorcing. Us Weekly says

Mississippi-based attorney Bill Luckett tells Access Hollywood the couple “are involved in a divorce action. For legal and practical purposes, [Freeman and Colley-Lee] have been separated since December of 2007.”

Ah, the “family friend!” The genteel way of saying “homewrecking mistress.” Kinda like “little miracle” instead of “abortion that didn’t take” and “sparkling personality” instead of “two pound neck goiter and chronic halitosis.”

Actor Morgan Freeman is in “serious condition” today after being airlifted from the scene of a car accident in Mississippi last night. According to TMZ

The 71-year-old was in a one-car accident around 11:30 PM outside of Ruleville, Miss. and had to be airlifted to the hospital in Memphis.

Freeman may have fallen asleep at the wheel last night. He apparently lost control, flipping his car several times. His unidentified female passenger had to be cut out of the car using the Jaws of Life.

Although he was reported in serious condition, early reports suggest that he’s going to be okay. Bill Luckett, Freeman’s friend and co-owner of his restaurant Madidi, told TMZ

“[Freeman] was sitting up and talking at the hospital. He has broken several ribs and injured his knee. [His female passenger is] suffering from bumps and bruises, but is ‘all in all in good condition.’”

Well, that’s good news. Also good news? Paris Hilton spontaneously combusted this morning, in the process taking out Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2″ in one flaming ball of divine vengeance. Unfortunately, that last part’s not entirely true, but it’s still good to hear in times like these. Words of comfort and condolence can really make a difference when people are grieving.

Although Shia LaBeouf was drunk the night of his accident, he was ultimately not responsible for the crash. TMZ says

Detectives have determined that the other driver in Shia’s bust-up Sunday morning ran a red light, and that person is responsible for the crash, not LaBeouf. “He was not at fault,” says L.A. Sheriff’s spokesman.

The spokesman went on to say, “He is also not at fault for ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’ That unfortunate incident was all George Lucas’ doing. We will consider acts of vigilante justice as ‘civic duty.’ That goes double for Episode I.”

Lindsay Lohan was hospitalized early Sunday morning after being sideswiped by a motorbike. According to the NY Post

With sapphic sidekick Samantha Ronson by her side, Lohan was hit by a moving bike “outside a club on 32nd Street,” the movie starlet’s dad Michael Lohan confirmed. “She’s not hurt. That’s all I really care about,” Lohan said of his oldest daughter.

LiLo was taken to Beth Israel Medical Center and released at 4 a.m. [the same day].

How could Lindsay Lohan get hit by a motorbike and not be impaled on a handlebar in a display of phallic comeuppance? Has divine justice abandoned us? Should we go Job on the matter and curse God and die? Of course not! Remember, when the Lord closes a door, someway he opens a window. You have to believe there’s an eighteen-wheeler loaded with pork roasts and kielbasas just around the corner. With faith, all things are possible!

Lindsay Lohan on the set of Ugly Betty in New York July 21st: