You would think if a company wanted to promote their shoes’ ability to tone and shape the gluteals, they wouldn’t have picked someone with a comically-oversize ass to be their spokesperson. Nothing about Kim Kardashian’s big fat bottom says “toned” or “shapely.” It says “smuggling Christmas hams” and “never-ending supply of crack sweat.” According to my most recent business model, there’s just not a big market out there for that.

Shooting a Skechers commercial with her mom Kris Jenner:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

New and improved Pepsi products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex. Brought to you by the good folks at Gotham’s own Axis Chemicals!

Sofia Vergara here; David Beckham after the jump:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

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Academy Award nominee Taraji P. Henson is the latest celebrity to strip down for PETA’s tired-ass “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. The caption says that she is “comfortable in her own skin,” which is a good thing, because she’s clearly not comfortable in her own hair. If that weave were any more obvious, it’d still have the price tag and a Korean woman attached.

At the premiere of Karate Kid last summer:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

If I’d have known that having skin cancer would make Marisa Miller get naked, I would have wrapped myself in tinfoil and spent the last four months a tanning bed smoking Marlboros through an asbestos filter. My grandma made it sound like it wasn’t any fun at all.

Almost as good fully dressed at the Spike Awards:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Don’t get excited — she’s not really dead. In honor of World AIDS Day on Wednesday, Kim Kardashian is posing as a corpse for Alicia Keys‘ Keep A Child Alive charity. The Daily Mail says:

Lying on her back in a coffin, Kim Kardashian plays dead in a new advert.

The reality star is promoting an internet campaign “Digital Life Sacrifice” in which Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake and Usher will quit social networking sites to raise money for charity.

They have filmed “last tweet and testament” videos which will appear in ads showing them in coffins to represent what the campaign calls their “digital deaths.”

[The celebrities] will not sign back in until $1 million has been raised.

I bet this was a really easy ad to shoot. For starters, they only needed half the makeup she usually wears to make her look like a corpse. Plus her face already looks like it was packed full of mortician’s paste to begin with. And they didn’t even have to use her real waist!

At the Skechers Global Shape-Ups Launch in Beverly Hills last week:

The only way Eva Longoria’s MTV Europe Music Awards rap could be any less funny is if they just showed slow-motion footage of orphans getting their limbs blown off by landmines while Carlos Mencia beat-boxed in the background. This is exactly the kind of “funny” they’ll be piping over the speakers in Hell. Trust.

At the “Latinos Living the American Dream” premiere in L.A. last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Jennifer Aniston knew she was finished with this shoot for Glaceau Smart Water when the photographer patted her on the head and said, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do,” and a friendly spider spun the word “radiant” in a web above her stall.

PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN

Now I understand why I still can’t bounce a quarter off my ass — I’ve been wearing my Reebok EasyTone trainers all wrong this whole time! Wearing clothes must somehow cancel out the toning effect of the “natural instability pods” in the soles. They should really put that shit on the box next time.

Oldies but goodies of Helena Christensen topless in GQ:

Several years ago, Angelina Jolie became the face of St. John clothing and promoted their line for awhile.  This should be really old news, but all of a sudden St. John are running their mouth off about Angelina and basically saying they dumped her for being more of a big deal than their boring clothes designed for Ladies Who Lunch.  From People:

While Angelina Jolie hasn’t appeared in an ad for St. John for some time, the luxury knitwear company is speaking out on the absence of her famous face from their campaign. The label’s chief executive officer Glenn McMahon tells WWD, “[Jolie] overshadowed the brand. We wanted to make a clean break from actresses and steer away from blondes and cleanse the palette.” So while other luxury brands have hired the likes of Madonna, Emma Watson, Eva Mendes and others to star in their upcoming spring/summer 2010 campaigns, St. John turned to red-headed model Karen Elson, a decision McMahon sees as a step in the right direction for the brand. “We needed to show a modern point of view of St. John,” he says. “We have evolved.” And according to the label’s website, executive vice president of design for St. John, George Sharp, who also directed the new ads, views Karen as the “epitome of the modern day woman…the St. John woman… strong, confident, sensual and approachable with effortless glamour.”

St. John had a three year contract with Angelina Jolie which began in 2005 and ended in the summer of 2008, so their business relationship has been over and done with for a year and a half and should really have no bearing on whatever the hell the company’s doing now.  It sounds to me like the St. John CEO is either bitter and vengeful or is an attention whore trying to squeeze the last drop of blood from his boring-ass company’s tenuous connection to one of the most famous women in the world.

Besides, the folks at St. John are delusional if they think they have a “modern point of view” or that they’ve “evolved” because while they make relatively nice things, they don’t exactly trend young.  Their stuff is tasteful and conservative, and doesn’t get anywhere near edgy or fashion forward.  My grandmother liked St. John, but she was old and now she’s dead.  Actually, the only people I’ve ever met in real life who wore their clothes were all at least 55 years old, so if St. John had a lick of damn sense they’d get someone like Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon to advertise their line.

Karen Elson for the St. John spring 2010 campaign:

Some of Angelina Jolie’s old ads for St. John:

It’s not news that PETA is made up of a bunch of radical, deranged lunatics who act first and ask questions later, but this is hysterically inept, even for them.  They used an unauthorised picture of Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States, in their latest idiotic anti-fur ad.  From People:

The latest ad, titled “Fur-Free and Fabulous!”, surfaced today picturing First Lady Michelle Obama– alongside Carrie Underwood, Oprah Winfrey and Tyra Banks– without the White House’s knowledge. When contacted, Semonti Stephens, a spokeswoman for the First Lady, tells PEOPLE of the ad campaign: “We did not consent.” As far as Mrs. Obama’s feelings about the PETA cause in general, Stephens says only, “Mrs. Obama does not wear fur.” PETA’s response? “The fact is that Michelle Obama has issued a statement indicating that she doesn’t wear fur, and the world should know that in PETA’s eyes, that makes her pretty fabulous,” the organization’s president Ingrid Newkirk told the press.

Oh sweet Jesus, PLEASE tell me this means the Secret Service gets to set PETA on fire.

On an unrelated note, what the HELL is going on with Tyra Banks in that photo?  She looks five times more like an alien than she usually does.  Her skin isn’t even a regular human colour.  She’s mauve!  Can the Secret Service set her on fire, too?  Better safe than sorry, and whatnot.

Emma Watson is featured in the Burberry spring/summer 2010 ad campaign, and… meh.  I mean, Emma is a very pretty girl and I’m pleased she’s gone back to slightly darker hair (I didn’t like her as a blonde; it washed her out), but why so glum?  Her facial expressions here vary from “dead-eyed stare” to “halfhearted scowl” and I’m a little puzzled.  She doesn’t have jacked up teeth or anything, so what’s with the moratorium on smiling?

Kim Kardashian’s stupid perfume is finally coming out, so if you’ve never been satisfied with Paris Hilton’s stinkspray, you can finally quit crying yourself to sleep every night.  From People:

Since Kim Kardashian first broke the news that she’d be creating a signature scent a-year-and-a-half ago, the reality star has kept us guessing about exactly what the fragrance would be like. But today she finally unveils a sizzling new campaign for the eponymous scent developed with Lighthouse Beauty exclusively to PEOPLE. Dressed in retro lingerie and a marabou coat, Kim swings from a circle that mirrors the smoky bottle, in an image that plays up her signature sex appeal. The scent itself mixes notes that were chosen to reflect aspects of her personality, with jasmine, tuberose and gardenia evoking her femininity and tonka bean and sandalwood suggesting an even softer side. For the time being, however, you can look — but not smell. The scent, which will range in price from $16 for a .33-oz. rollerball to $65 for a 3.4-oz. spray, won’t launch until February, exclusively at Sephora.

Awesome.  For the bargain price of just $65, now I can finally mist myself with the stench of a thousand flowers steeped in musk, with a whiff of urine.  I can’t wait!  Voluptuous new fragrance, indeed.  I’m especially encouraged by the fact that in her perfume’s very own ad, Kim Kardashian has a look on her face like she smelled a voluptuous fart.