A new PETA ad featuring Playboy cover girl and a “Dancing With the Stars” regular Joanna Krupa in nothing but a crucifix has got the Catholic church all up in arms. Fox 411 says

Krupa is seen topless and bottomless in the latest spot by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, her private parts covered — barely — by a large, well-placed metallic crucifix.

“It’s totally inappropriate,” the Catholic League President said in a statement. “The fact is that cats and dogs are a lot safer in pet stores than they are in the hands of PETA employees. Moreover, pet stores don’t rip off Christian iconography and engage in cheap irreligious claims.”

I’m glad that the Catholic Church is finally expressing outrage over something that merits this kind of attention. Crucifix-covered vaginas are so much more socially impacting and significant than, say, a chronic instances of child molestation at the hands of the practicing clergy. Good on the Catholic Church for finally taking a stand on the important issues.

Joanna on her way to DTWS:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

^{Click images for NSFW versions}

I’m glad PETA has finally seen the light and done something that can actually resonate with the non-psychotic-and-hopelessly-misguided rest of us normal people. We could give a shit about the way the Colonel fries his chicken or how many crepuscular rodents have to die to make one floor-length chinchilla coat, but we really, really care about boobs. In fact, the only thing we seem to care about more than boobs are vaginas. 260 million pages of archived erotic content can’t be wrong!

Keely from the back:

Some chick you’ve never heard of before from the “Twilight” series got naked for this PETA ad (click header for NSFW version). Try not to wet your pants from excitement. The NY Daily News says

Expressing solidarity with all things cute and cuddly, 19-year-old Christian Serratos appears in the woods of what looks like none other than Forks, Washington. This appearance makes Serratos the youngest person to pose naked in a PETA ad.

So talking about taking pictures of increasingly younger naked teen girls is okay now? That’s good to know. My parole officer is always acting like it’s some kind of social faux pas to bring it up in dinner conversation. Only his words were more like “direct violation of Federal Child Exploitation Laws” and “felony charge and a minimum of five years in jail.” That guy really needs to get with the program.

At the Nylon magazine launch party a few months back:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

“Dancing with the Stars” Karina Smirnoff is a five-time U.S. National Dance Champion, World Trophy Champion, and Asian Open Champion, as well as the “first woman to ever make the British Professional Final with three different partners.” Well, I once had sex with three different partners in Great Britain. And they assured me they were professionals. A butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, as I recall. PETA tried to act like that didn’t count. Hypocrites!

Showing off her engagement ring (before they called off the wedding earlier this month) in a bikini:

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

A downtown Manhattan Calvin Klein billboard ad depicting a three-on-one group sex scene has family values groups up in arms. Fox News says

The blue-jeans giant has unveiled a jumbo ad that shows two young men and a young woman entwined in a semi-nude threesome, as another man undresses.

Randy Sharp of the American Family Association [said], “I find this kind of ad repulsive, I find it disgusting, I find it inappropriate for a public venue.”

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, said, “This is graphic and intended to shock any sensibility — even in New York.”

Frankly, I don’t know what offends me more more — the depiction of a semi-nude threesome, or the man wearing the cuffed denim shorts. Both are pretty repulsive if you ask me.

And speaking of semi-nude, here are some pics of Olivia Wilde in next month’s Maxim:

I don’t know who that’s supposed to be in the PETA’s latest ad, but I can tell you one thing — it’s sure as hell not Audrina Partridge. That chick’s eyes aren’t even pointed the right direction. Everyone knows they’re supposed to look like she’s permanently staring at the sky. Not even close, asswipes!

Pamela Anderson has been chosen to be the new face of designer Vivienne Westwood’s spring/summer campaign, and boy, what a face. God damn. You could stop traffic with that kind of face. And also the brain function of most mortals unequipped with garlic crosses. But good on Vivienne Westwood for going for the unique. Really, you don’t usually find a face like that unless it’s mortared to a cathedral with the rest of the medieval gargoyles.

Hosting the Athletes and Angels Super Bowl party last weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Online

The latest Madonna Louis Vuitton ad has made its way online, a seamless blend of vintage glamour and gritty film noir sexuality (click banner pic for full-size). Of course, I’m presuming “film noir” is French for “from inside the seventh circle of hell.” I don’t know because I don’t speak the language of surrender, as it were. But Frog or not, you have to admit that Louis sure knows what he’s doing. Nothing makes me think “leather bag” like a 50-year old woman’s hoo-ha. Except maybe a catcher’s mitt that’s been left out in the rain or an old bean bag chair that’s been partially deflated and trampled by children, but those things just don’t have the same kind of artistic resonance.

What Madge would look like without all the plastic surgery and placenta wraps — her 4-years-younger sister Melanie:

If you didn’t hate PETA before, get ready to hate them now. The anti-fur website Fur is Dead says

Khloe and her family have taken not only Hollywood but the entire country by storm. Everyone wants to know what she and her famous siblings are up to, who their dates are, and what they are wearing. In Khloe’s case, rest assured that it won’t be fur — PETA’s gorgeous new “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” ad [stars] none other than Khloe herself.

“Taken the country by storm,” was it? Funny, that’s not the way I remember it. I’d say it’s more like “plagued the country like a case of genital warts that refuses to go away no matter how many times you burn them with a lighter or pour pesticides on your crotch.” I guess it’s just a matter of perspective.