You know when the biggest news is Adam Lambert getting arrested for smacking his bitch up, you’re really entered into the holiday celebrity gossip slump. It happens every year, and I’ve found the best way to get through it is by consuming mass quantities of spiked eggnog. Everything’s funnier when you’re floating in an ocean of pastel yellow bliss. Says msnbc.com ,

“American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert was released from a Finnish jail Thursday, having spent several hours there for brawling with his boyfriend outside a Helsinki bar, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The police investigator handling the incident, Petri Juvonen, told THR that Lambert was arrested with his Finnish boyfriend (and fellow reality show contestant) Sauli Koskinen in the wee hours of Dec. 22 outside the gay club DTM (“Don’t Tell Mama”). They were held for questioning in four possible assault offenses.

Media reports say the two men began arguing inside the club. Koskinen (who won the Finnish version of “Big Brother”) and Lambert were kicked out, but continued the fight in the street. A former Miss Helsinki, Sofia Ruusila, who had been out partying with them, tried to break up the incident but told a Finnish entertainment channel that she got hit by Lambert — by mistake — in the process.

Investigator Juvonen told THR that he released the two men on Thursday afternoon, having completed his interrogation.

Koskinen has since blogged about the incident, saying: “Celebrities are people too and fame is not easy. Love is not always easy either, but it’s forever.”

Yes, love isn’t always easy, especially when it flails black nail polished hands at you and dresses like a goth version of Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Looking like a gay cartoon character at the AMA’s last month in Los Angeles:

A flamboyant gay man acting like a little bitch in a catfight? Say it ain’t so. One minute Adam Lambert is chilling out, flashing peace signs while looking like a douche, the other minute, he flip-flops like a hormonal girl and starting wailing on a pap. And by “wailing”, I mean, “flapping his hands at the wrist” and “subjecting his victim to dry-humping”. Popeater describes the event:

“Eeew paparazzi killed my peaceful afternoon on the beach!” the singer, 28, told his Twitter followers Thursday. “They’re real good at provoking, but there ain’t any pics or video of the bs they spew out.”

No, but there are plenty of images of Lambert slapping, grabbing and damn-near mounting the photographer, who is seen trying to escape the grasp of the singer while holding onto his camera.

In other images, another man, possibly Lambert’s friend, is seen trying to break up the fight.

The Miami Beach PD is investigating the incident, according to TMZ.

The ‘For Your Entertainment’ wailer was wearing a large straw cabana hat and goofy sunglasses at the time of the encounter, which he apparently thinks was awesome.

“Hahha the photos are hilarious!!! LOL please everyone forgive me for that hat,” he said on Twitter. “I was attempting a disguise — clearly failed.”

Of course he apologizes for a fashion faux pas, and not for the unprovoked attacked. This guy is douchier than the bulk pack of Summer’s Eve at Costco.

Picture source: Bauer-Griffin

See, this is what happens when you accidentally leave your Boy George cassettes and your Bedazzler too close to a Zoltar Speaks machine. Get back into your Toyota Yaris, grab the nearest white wine spritzer and head straight to the house of the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees, because you’re fucking gayer than Rainbow Brite’s unicorn. I’m just sorry I had to be the one to break it to you like this.

Gratuitous Adrianne Curry twitpics to cleanse the palate:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

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Remember when Lindsay Lohan went to India for like five minutes and pretended to save 40 kids from child trafficking?  Well, now you can see a clip of the BCC documentary filmed during that trip, in which Lindsay apparently sits down and asks an old lady a couple of vague, mumbled questions.  It is riveting stuff, y’all.  It looks like now that we’ve got Lindsay on the case, child trafficking and prostitution will be a thing of the past!

I guess Lindsay Lohan is just like Mother Theresa, if Mother Theresa was still alive and had a hearty bowl of Valtrex for breakfast every morning and spent her days stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down in between banging anyone who would stand still long enough.

In other news, Lindsay tried to hook up with Adam Lambert this weekend, because Lindsay does a lot of blow and sometimes that makes her forget that she doesn’t have a penis.

Adam Lambert wants you to know that his father is totally cool with his son’s simulated oral sex and S&M-laden shitty performance at the American Music Awards. Don’t you wish your dad was that hip and with it? MTV.com goes on,

The “Idol” runner-up also took some time to clear up rumors that have been floating around about him. “I haven’t started a makeup line. I might, but I haven’t yet,” he said. “My father was rumored to be mortified by what I did [at the 'American Music Awards'] and that we’re not speaking. That’s a rumor. … I think Bill O’Reilly perpetuated that. Lovely man. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. [My dad and I] were laughing about it … so that was a rumor.”

Dad’s a real pal. I bet he washes his butt plugs for him and everything.

Here he is at the Z100 Jingle Ball, looking like a complete tool.

Adam Lambert wants you to know that’s he not sorry about his controversial performance at the American Music Awards Sunday night; he’s sorry for you and your pathetic close-minded hate-mongering square-iness that can’t look true artistic greatness in the eye and accept it for what it is. He told Access Hollywood

“I’m not an artist that does things for every single person. I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song. If [my performance is] edited [for west coast viewers], that’s discrimination. There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against.

People are scared and it’s really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up… it’s really not that big of a deal.”

Simulating oral sex and S&M isn’t pushing the envelope musically. It’s just a trite and pedestrian attempt at disguising crap as art. You really want to cross boundaries, try working free form jazz and the spoons into a couple of your songs. Now that would be a true testament to talent!

If you didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night, you’re in luck, because I have the highlights right here: Adam Lambert wiping out during his dirty butt sex tribute “For Your Entertainment” and Jennifer Lopez landing right on her big fat fanny during her “Loubotins” performance. I really had a hard time deciding who had the better fall, but in the end I went with Adam (FF to the 1:47 mark), because he turned his misstep into a full on Errol Flynn pirate-style monkey roll. While JLo’s comeuppance is sweet (FF to the 2:55 mark), hers lacked the theatrics and improvised somersaults that Adam’s did. Ultimately, I have to go with quality over quantity, no matter how much seismic energy was registered on the Richter scale when Jennifer Lopez’ ass hit the floor. I’m firm but fair.

Rihanna, who should never, EVER sing live, after the jump.

^{PHOTO SOURCE: Huffington Post}

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There’s “gay,” and then there’s “glitter oozing from the rhinestone-studded no-no hole of Liberace as he crawls around on all fours on a bearskin rug surround by men in mesh halter tops and iridescent feather boas.” See if you can guess which one this album cover is.

Adam Lambert sucking face with boyfriend Drake LaBry:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

If you want to see a waste of a perfectly good naked woman, try on next month’s Details magazine for size. You’ll find American Idol runner-up and notorious flamer Adam Lambert doing his best hetero impression all over a beautiful naked female model inside. I just don’t get it. Adam Lambert is gay, and Details magazine is gay… it doesn’t make any sense. The only way a naked woman is going to appeal to that target demographic is if there’s an article about the sophisticated old world charm wainscoting adds to a room and a recipe for the perfect risotto al Barolo printed on her backside.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one — what did one doughy fairy say to the other doughy fairy after they both lost the same contest? If you guessed something like “meow” or “hiss,” you’re getting warmer. American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has gotten his claws out so he can bat them menacingly in fellow American Idol runner up Adam Lambert’s direction. Clay wrote on his official website:

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Just not my cup of tea at all. But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants. However, this year, there was an obvious bias.

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well.

I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off… they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all. Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

That was waaaay too fucking long to actually read, so with the help my trusty Bitchy Bitter Queen-ese dictionary, I managed to condense it all down to one line. It seems what Clay was trying to say was, “I’d only let that guy bareback me if I’d already had seven appletinis and he brought the meth!” Those gays sure have a way with words.

In case you missed it, the finale of American Idol was last night, and everyone’s all up in arms because that one gay dude didn’t win. NY Daily News says

Kris Allen managed to pull off the upset of a lifetime. Going into the finale, there was talk of “red state-blue state” politics at work, with [Adam] Lambert’s painted fingernails, “guyliner,” and uncertain sexuality against Allen’s down-home, churchgoing sensibilities.

Seriously, I couldn’t care less about this if it were swathed in Charmin and floating in my toilet. So instead, enjoy a video of “Bikini Girl” Katrina Darrell’s triumphant bikini-clad return last night, where she was joined on stage by judge Kara DioGuardi for a rousing rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love.” And by “rousing” I mean “Katrina rips open her dress and reveals her bikini at then end.” It’s the only part of the finale that won’t make you want to stab your own eyes out.