Are you sitting down? Because you might want to. This news could literally knock you off your feet. Ready? Okay, here goes: Paula Abdul was addicted to painkillers for the last twelve years. There, I said it. I can give you a moment to collect yourself if you need to. Us Weekly says

In a shocking new interview, Paula Abdul reveals that her reliance on painkillers got so bad she could have died.

Abdul, 46, was diagnosed with “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” in [2005], a chronic neurological disorder that causes severe pain. Abdul wore a patch that delivered a pain medication about 80 times more potent than morphine and took a nerve medication to relieve her symptoms. Sometimes, she adds, she also took a muscle relaxer.

But the pain got so bad it that it often left her sleepless and caused her to “get weird.” A combination of these factors prompted many fans to believe that the American Idol judge was high on the air.

Determined to overcome her habit, she checked into the La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, Calif., last Thanksgiving. “I could have killed myself,” Abdul tells the magazine.

In other shocking news, the sun rises in the east and old people smell funny. Further bulletins as events warrant!

High as a fucking kite and dressed like a drag queen at the American Idol Experience party:

Megan Fox might have called off her engagement, but it seems she just can’t quit the Green Peen. According to Star Magazine

It appeared Megan had relocated to a nearby hotel, but [according to a source], “she returned both nights to stay over with Brian.”

So why can’t they stay away?

Despite their problems, they have a superhot sex life. “They’ve had problems with every facet with their relationship — except in bed,” says a friend… “she’s ‘addicted’ to sex with Brian.”

There are worse vices to have, I suppose. You could compulsively eat the stuff you scrape out of your bellybutton. All I know is Brian Austin Green’s wiener better be ten inches long and open a portal into another dimension. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

Shopping for furniture together yesterday: