It’s been almost three years since 27-year-old Kelly Osbourne checked out of rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, but if the gray hair and the hideous Zac Posen dress didn’t tip you off, Kelly’s back on the sauce again. A source told Radar Online:

“Kelly is definitely off the wagon again — at least when it comes to drinking. I’ve seen her out drinking cocktails, beer and champagne numerous times.

Just this past Sunday, Kelly got so wasted [at the Golden Globes after-party]… that she almost fell back and I had to catch her!”

Just because she got loaded at a party doesn’t mean she suddenly has a drinking problem again. Hell, if that’s the case, then I must have a drinking problem, too. And everyone knows it’s not a problem till your liver triples in size and you lose custody of both your kids. By my count, we’re both still winning.

Rhiann Sugdan topless in some outtakes from Loaded, because I don’t do ugly on Thursdays:

Heather Locklear is doing what any aging, former soap opera star would do to get back in the spotlight, if only for a few precious, fleeting moments: have a night downing prescription pills and booze. Also known as, “A damn good time”. Says Digital Spy,

Heather Locklear is said to be in a conscious and stable condition after being rushed to hospital on Thursday (January 12).

The Melrose Place actress – who successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program for a prescription drug dependency in 2010 after being involved in a hit-and-run accident – was examined by paramedics and taken for medical treatment in an ambulance.

It is thought that she may have mixed prescription drugs and alcohol.

A spokesperson for Los Robles Hospital told KNBC Los Angeles that Locklear will remain in hospital overnight, adding that she is conscious, stable and “resting comfortably”.

“Successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program” these days just means that you A. had enough money to bribe the orderly to slip you your drug of choice or B. have a sympathetic mom who hides your stash in her abundant cleavage. Guess which one is my favorite method?

Someone named Laura Whitmore at the Brit Awards, who affirms the benefits of plastic surgery (everyone knows that the British are ugly):

Tudors actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has checked himself into rehab for the 4th time for his long-time struggle with alcohol addiction. Or as the rest of the world calls it, “being Irish.” The Daily Mail says:

The 33-year-old actor, who has a long history of battling alcohol addiction, is believed to have spent 10 days in a London clinic last month.

Rhys Meyers’ stay in the Capio Nightingale Hospital is his fourth attempt at rehab.

The incident is believed to have been the final straw for his girlfriend, heiress Reena Hammer, who is said to have told him: ‘Check into rehab or I’m dumping you.’

It was about this point that my mother-in-law — who’s been staying with us for the last three days, BTW — plops down next to me and says, “Do you mind if I use your computer for a minute? I need to check my email real fast.” What she actually means is “I have some Jesus emails I need to mass-send to all of my contacts and some forwarded jokes to chuckle at loudly and then read aloud to you.” So I say not right now, I need to finish working, but later is fine.

So she sits there for a minute and then goes, “Well, what are you writing about?” and I say “Jonathan Rhys-Meyers,” knowing full well she’s gonna say “who?” and then tell me she’s never heard of him before. So I try to beat her to the punch and say, “He’s an actor on The Tudors,” and then she says, “The Tutors?” and I say, “No, Tudors. As in King Henry VIII,” and she goes, “Well, I never heard of him before.” And then she peers over my shoulder at the computer screen and goes, “Ohhh… I know who he is. That’s the Scarecrow in that awful Batman movie with Heath Ledger.” At that point I seriously debated killing myself before deciding it was never too early for that second bottle of wine.

With his girlfriend pre-rehab:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen may be a hedonistic, drug-addicted train wreck, but dad Martin Sheen wants you to know, it’s not his fault! Excuse me while I sob into my hanky. TMZ says,

“He’s an extraordinary man,” Martin says of his son to Sky News, “He’s doing well, we pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up.”

I’m sure all the people who have gotten cancer through no fault of their own would love to hear their terrible disease being compared to Charlie’s benders with hookers, alcohol, wild trips to Vegas and suitcases full of blow. The only question is, why isn’t there research being conducted to cure this sad, sad disease? I can just see the commercials asking for funding: Charlie’s drunken, rotten-toothed face passed out and planted in some hooker’s crotch, with a touching Sarah McLachlan track playing over it.  Won’t you help save a life today?

Ashley Greene celebrating her 24th birthday, because I can see toothless old perverts at home for free:

Charlie Sheen might have an on-going problem with alcohol/drugs/sex, but now he’s found a way to nip his addictions in the bud for good: a baby-sitter! TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen is acknowledging he has a substance abuse problem, and he’s hired a sober coach to hang with him.

Well-placed sources connected with “Two and a Half Men” tell us the sober coach is living at Charlie’s house and accompanying him to work.

So following someone around and nagging them about their drinking is an actual job? All this time I thought it was just called “marriage.” Now I’ll have to start paying my husband when he pours out all my wine instead of just slapping him across the face and vomiting on his side of the bed.

It’s a first rule of overcoming addiction to stay away from places and people that would tempt you to fall into old habits. But Lindsay Lohan apparently knows better than this silly bit of advice, because here she is leaving Teddy’s Nightclub in Hollywood last night. Maybe she’s hoping to get a second-hand buzz off inhaling everyone’s boozy belches or something.  Throw in guzzling down mass quantities of her favorite .5% alcohol tea Kombucha, and she’s all set on the road to recovery! Why someone hasn’t picked this girl up to lead an AA meeting is beyond me.

Posing with her tea and leaving the club:

MMA fighter Tito Ortiz was taken to jail last night after being arrested for felony domestic violence involving girlfriend Jenna Jameson. I guess a porn star’s life isn’t always the fairytale you’d think it’d be. TMZ says

Jenna Jameson claims Tito Ortiz got very violent — throwing and injuring her.

Jenna claims that during an argument Monday morning she, “said something very hurtful to his ego.” She alleges that Tito then grabbed her and, “threw me into the bathtub and tore two ligaments in my shoulder.”

Tito’s attorney strongly denies that, saying … “He did not put his hands on her, he did not hit her, he did not do anything to her.”

Tito claims he only confronted her about the narcotics he found in her pants pocket when she had an “emotional meltdown.” His version:

Tito Ortiz claims that Jenna Jameson is addicted to Oxycontin — and that’s what led to the alleged domestic violence.

Jenna’s been battling addiction to the painkiller for more than a year now, and that Tito and family members have been protecting her. Jenna had a relapse and that Tito confronted her about the drugs he found.

Tito was very choked up when he said he hopes “Jenna will be okay.”

[Ortiz' attorney] says Jenna has been to rehab, and that her addiction has led to multiple suicide calls to 911.

It’s easy to mistake losing your balance and headlonging it into a tub for domestic physical assault when you’re high on opioids. It’s also easy to mistake being forcibly restrained with handcuffs for an amorous embrace that should be reciprocated with aggressive sexual advances. That’s why I never tongue-kiss or grab the wiener of anyone with a uniform and a gun anymore, no matter how tightly they might have been holding me.

Now that he’s finished with sex therapy, Tiger Woods has checked into The Meadows treatment center in Arizona to kick his addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills. The New York Post says

Woods’ drugs of choice are said to be the sleep medication Ambien and painkiller Vicodin.

“In [sex] therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” an anonymous source [said].

The golfer’s lovers have said he enjoyed mixing Ambien and sex to heighten pleasure.

I can barely point the car in the right direction when I’m wacked out on painkillers, much less hit a tiny ball with a little stick and make it land within three feet of a hole 200 yards away from me. The inside of Tiger’s head must look like the goddamn targeting system of a F-14 Tomcat.

Rumors have it that “The Hills’” star Kristin Cavallari was all about scoring some blow Super Bowl weekend in Miami. Us Magazine says

“She was wasted the entire time,” a source says. “She was going around to everyone, asking them to [get] her some coke. She’s getting scary-thin and not showering regularly…She’s clearly unhealthy.”

Her Hills friends Audrina Patridge [and] Lo Bosworth have all urged her to check into rehab, but “she doesn’t think she has a problem,” a source says.

The erratic, gaunt star has become chronically tardy to Hills tapings — when she shows up at all.

In a sad twist, her struggles may even become fodder on MTV’s hit show. “Her drug problem finally became an unavoidable conversation topic on film,” an insider says. “If MTV uses the footage, it will be clear to everyone.”

Who the fuck is this chick again? I don’t know anybody that actually watches “The Hills.” Mostly because I don’t know anybody. That’s what having a neck goiter and living alone for ten years will do for you. But between tending my spice garden and arranging my Star Wars collectibles in order of current market value, I still manage a pretty fulfilling existence.

Nipping out without a bra in Beverly Hills:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:

Here’s one you didn’t see coming: washed up whore and sloppy drunk Tara Reid is in rehab. Surprise, surprise, surprise! According to People Magazine

The actress’s rep [said], “Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family’s privacy at this time.” The rep would not reveal what Reid, 33, is being treated for.

A friend of the troubled actress says, “She checked in herself – it was her decision.”

What oh what could her malady be? I’m pretty sure Promises doesn’t treat plastic surgery addiction. But what about penis addiction? Or testicles-on-my-chin addiction? Or anal-if-you-buy-me-drinks addiction? I’m pretty sure those aren’t real vices. And besides, I listed them as “strengths” on my resume, right under to “Level 61 Night Elf Druid” and “Skee Ball High Score Holder at the Cloverleaf Mall arcade.” How did you think I got this sweet gig, talent? Not hardly!

Checking into Promises:

Photo credit: SPLASH NEWS