Octomom Nadya Suleman checked herself into rehab over the weekend for an addiction to the prescription drug Xanax. TMZ says:

Nadya admitted herself into the Chapman House Drug Rehabilitation Center in Southern California over the weekend, leaving her 14 kids without a mother for 30 straight days.

Nadya is using 3 nannies and 2 friends to divvy up the child care duties. She also has a driver to take the kids to and from school.

Nadya can afford to pay for treatment by herself — because she’s been making a ton of money from her porn career — but the rehab facility offered to pick up the tab anyway.

I’d tell her she could go fuck herself, but she’s already done that. There’s a video. And let me warn you — if you thought the catastrophic devastation from Hurricane Sandy was bad, it’s nothing compared to the mental and emotional damage you’ll suffer if you actually watch any of Octomom’s octoporn. Consider yourself warned. I’d rather play baby-sitter to all fourteen of her feral children.

Nadya in a bikini photo shoot for Star Magazine (where’s a good storm surge when you need one?) Get your own polka-dot bikini top here from J Crew:

It’s been almost three years since 27-year-old Kelly Osbourne checked out of rehab for drug and alcohol addiction, but if the gray hair and the hideous Zac Posen dress didn’t tip you off, Kelly’s back on the sauce again. A source told Radar Online:

“Kelly is definitely off the wagon again — at least when it comes to drinking. I’ve seen her out drinking cocktails, beer and champagne numerous times.

Just this past Sunday, Kelly got so wasted [at the Golden Globes after-party]… that she almost fell back and I had to catch her!”

Just because she got loaded at a party doesn’t mean she suddenly has a drinking problem again. Hell, if that’s the case, then I must have a drinking problem, too. And everyone knows it’s not a problem till your liver triples in size and you lose custody of both your kids. By my count, we’re both still winning.

Heather Locklear is doing what any aging, former soap opera star would do to get back in the spotlight, if only for a few precious, fleeting moments: have a night downing prescription pills and booze. Also known as, “A damn good time”. Says Digital Spy,

Heather Locklear is said to be in a conscious and stable condition after being rushed to hospital on Thursday (January 12).

The Melrose Place actress – who successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program for a prescription drug dependency in 2010 after being involved in a hit-and-run accident – was examined by paramedics and taken for medical treatment in an ambulance.

It is thought that she may have mixed prescription drugs and alcohol.

A spokesperson for Los Robles Hospital told KNBC Los Angeles that Locklear will remain in hospital overnight, adding that she is conscious, stable and “resting comfortably”.

“Successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program” these days just means that you A. had enough money to bribe the orderly to slip you your drug of choice or B. have a sympathetic mom who hides your stash in her abundant cleavage. Guess which one is my favorite method?

Someone named Laura Whitmore at the Brit Awards, who affirms the benefits of plastic surgery (everyone knows that the British are ugly):

Tudors actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has checked himself into rehab for the 4th time for his long-time struggle with alcohol addiction. Or as the rest of the world calls it, “being Irish.” The Daily Mail says:

The 33-year-old actor, who has a long history of battling alcohol addiction, is believed to have spent 10 days in a London clinic last month.

Rhys Meyers’ stay in the Capio Nightingale Hospital is his fourth attempt at rehab.

The incident is believed to have been the final straw for his girlfriend, heiress Reena Hammer, who is said to have told him: ‘Check into rehab or I’m dumping you.’

It was about this point that my mother-in-law — who’s been staying with us for the last three days, BTW — plops down next to me and says, “Do you mind if I use your computer for a minute? I need to check my email real fast.” What she actually means is “I have some Jesus emails I need to mass-send to all of my contacts and some forwarded jokes to chuckle at loudly and then read aloud to you.” So I say not right now, I need to finish working, but later is fine.

So she sits there for a minute and then goes, “Well, what are you writing about?” and I say “Jonathan Rhys-Meyers,” knowing full well she’s gonna say “who?” and then tell me she’s never heard of him before. So I try to beat her to the punch and say, “He’s an actor on The Tudors,” and then she says, “The Tutors?” and I say, “No, Tudors. As in King Henry VIII,” and she goes, “Well, I never heard of him before.” And then she peers over my shoulder at the computer screen and goes, “Ohhh… I know who he is. That’s the Scarecrow in that awful Batman movie with Heath Ledger.” At that point I seriously debated killing myself before deciding it was never too early for that second bottle of wine.

With his girlfriend pre-rehab:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen may be a hedonistic, drug-addicted train wreck, but dad Martin Sheen wants you to know, it’s not his fault! Excuse me while I sob into my hanky. TMZ says,

“He’s an extraordinary man,” Martin says of his son to Sky News, “He’s doing well, we pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up.”

I’m sure all the people who have gotten cancer through no fault of their own would love to hear their terrible disease being compared to Charlie’s benders with hookers, alcohol, wild trips to Vegas and suitcases full of blow. The only question is, why isn’t there research being conducted to cure this sad, sad disease? I can just see the commercials asking for funding: Charlie’s drunken, rotten-toothed face passed out and planted in some hooker’s crotch, with a touching Sarah McLachlan track playing over it.  Won’t you help save a life today?

Ashley Greene celebrating her 24th birthday, because I can see toothless old perverts at home for free:

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