Michael Lohan’s mission to get daughter Lindsay into rehab has now progressed into a shock-and-awe media campaign, complete with his airing a list of all the prescription drugs she’s currently using. According to Page Six

[Michael said], “She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”

For those of you who didn’t regularly buy pills from your RA’s boyfriend freshman year, Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Adderall is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and narcolepsy. Xanax is prescribed for anxiety disorders and panic disorders. So unless she’s a hyperactive narcoleptic Korean war vet with polycystic ovarian syndrome and compulsive hand-washing issues, she’s taking waaaay too much goddamn medication. I bet the words “Glaxo-Smith Kline” and “Pfizer” are permanently branded into her liver by now.

And now, for someone who doesn’t look 100 years old — Megan Fox in VIP magazine:

Here’s one you didn’t see coming: washed up whore and sloppy drunk Tara Reid is in rehab. Surprise, surprise, surprise! According to People Magazine

The actress’s rep [said], “Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family’s privacy at this time.” The rep would not reveal what Reid, 33, is being treated for.

A friend of the troubled actress says, “She checked in herself – it was her decision.”

What oh what could her malady be? I’m pretty sure Promises doesn’t treat plastic surgery addiction. But what about penis addiction? Or testicles-on-my-chin addiction? Or anal-if-you-buy-me-drinks addiction? I’m pretty sure those aren’t real vices. And besides, I listed them as “strengths” on my resume, right under to “Level 61 Night Elf Druid” and “Skee Ball High Score Holder at the Cloverleaf Mall arcade.” How did you think I got this sweet gig, talent? Not hardly!

Checking into Promises:

Photo credit: SPLASH NEWS