I know when I think “withered-up prune puss,” one of the first names that comes to mind is Kris Jenner, so it makes sense that she’d be chosen as the spokemodel for the a new female sexual enhancement product called Zestra. And also, there’s nothing that bitch won’t slap her name on. No-thing. The Daily Mail says:

In a statement the mother-of-six said: ‘I’ve been lucky enough to discover a new, amazing, revolutionary product that helps women get in the mood and ready for romance in minutes.

‘It’s forever changed my experience in the bedroom and I’m sure it will do the same for you.

‘And, who wouldn’t want to try something that works in minutes and makes sex feel… well, amazing? I love instant gratification.’

Not surprisingly, however, the product is crap and doesn’t work. Just ask anyone stupid enough to trust their genitals to Kris Jenner. They’ll tell you:

Zestra currently holds a two star rating overall on Amazon, with most users only marking it one out of five.

One user said: ‘I would have enjoyed a lit stick of dynamite more,” while another [user added]: ‘This stuff smells like dirty bacon grease.’

Not just any bacon grease, mind you — dirty bacon grease. Trust me, a conesuuier of pork products like myself can definitely tell a difference.

VS model Adriana Lima in Vogue Brasil, because she doesn’t smell like rancid bacon rinds:

Everyone was expecting Madonna to pull some Janet Jackson-type shenanigans during her Super Bowl half-time show, but it was M.I.A. who crossed FCC lines last nite… by giving the finger. Oooh. ESPN says:

In front of some 110 million viewers on NBC and uncounted others online, she flipped the bird and appeared to sing, “I don’t give a (expletive)” at one point, though it was hard to hear her clearly.

The NFL and NBC wasted little time in responding. “The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing and we apologize to our fans,” said Brian McCarthy, spokesman for the NFL, which produced Madonna’s halftime show.

Ah, the bird. How gangsta of her. She must have assumed we all peaked in seventh grade detention.

Adriana Lima for Victoria’s Secret just because:

It’s exactly thirty-seven days, eleven hours and forty-three minutes until Christmas, so I thought that pics of Adriana Lima in Victoria’s Secret’s Christmas catalog would help get us in the holiday spirit. And for the record, I was almost ten before I learned that “getting in the holiday spirit” didn’t mean “stumbling around drunk in a red velvet suit with a visible erection and vomit in your beard.” Yeah, my dad made a pretty shitty Santa. You don’t even wanna know what I though “decking the halls” was.

Lindsay Lohan, in classic style, continues to give the middle finger to the justice system as she ignores the stipulations of her probation. TMZ reports,

Lindsay Lohan has violated the judge’s order in her probation case by not seeing a psychologist at least once a week … TMZ has learned … and that may be enough to send her to the slammer.

Judge Stephanie Sautner made it clear to Lindsay during her sentence last May … she MUST see the shrink every week, but she has not. We’re told one of her excuses is that she’s been working out of the country, but Judge Sautner made it extremely clear … work is not an excuse for failing to comply with the terms of probation.

And, Judge Sautner said, if Lindsay violates any court order, she’s going to jail … period.

As we first reported, it’s even worse, because Lindsay was kicked out of the Downtown Women’s Center, where Judge Sautner ordered her to perform 360 hours of community service … kicked out because she repeatedly failed to show up, and when she did she frequently did not stay the required 4 hours at a time. That’s another violation of Judge Sautner’s court order.

And there’s even more bad news for Lindsay. Judge Sautner is going to be extremely unhappy when she learns how much community service Lindsay has completed. Sources connected with the Probation Department tell us, as of September 30, Lindsay logged a grand total of 21 hours, leaving 339 hours which must be completed by May 11, 2012.

Yes, busy “working”. If you call going to parties, fucking a Garman designer, and French-kissing your mom work, then at least have the self-respect to charge for it. Even hookers have some standards.

Adriana Lima for Victoria’s Secret, because no one wants to see Lindsay’s meth mouth:

I bet all the other mommies in Adriana Lima’s new mommies group go home and cry after playdates. Da-yum.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima proves that having a baby doesn’t necessarily ruin a woman’s figure. It just ruins a sexy photo. Thanks for nothing, Valentina Lima Jarić!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Did I mention the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was last night? I couldn’t remember, so just to be safe, here’s a ton more pictures of the hottest chicks in the world in their underpants. EDIOTR’S NOTE: At this point if you’re still reading words instead of clicking thumbnails, go ahead and break out your rhinestone-covered tap shoes and your Chanel Homme, because you’re gayer than Andy Dick and Ricky Martin in a two-man unicorn costume. Trust.

Headliner Adriana Lima here, plus Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and Karolina Kurkova after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Hey it’s Tuesday, that means it’s time for some hot chick in a swimsuit action! Other acceptable times are days that end in -day. It’s important to get your daily recommended intake of boobies to keep your gonads at optimum operating levels, or else they might shrivel up and turn into little Justin Biebers. You don’t want that to happen, now do you?

Open up and take your Adriana Lima!

Victoria’s Secret sexpot Adriana Lima is reportedly pregnant with her first child. Click the header image for a (LSFW, but still pushing it) pretty good idea where the baby will come from. The NY Daily News says

The stunner is nearly three months pregnant, according to a well-placed source. The gorgeous Brazilian… eloped with NBA beau Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day of this year.

After coming face first out of Adriana Lima’s vagina, I think it’s safe to say that the rest of your life is all gonna be downhill from there. Poor kid.

UPDATE: Adriana’s rep just confirmed the pregnancy rumors.

Some swimsuit pics and backstage at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show:

I’m not exactly sure where the editors of Maxim went wrong with this year’s Hot 100 List, but I think a safe bet is sometime around the year 1996, or “the last time the words ‘Jennifer Love Hewitt’ and ‘hot’ were used in a sentence without referencing fudge sundaes” as it’s known to the rest of the modern world.

Your “Top 100″ — 1. Olivia Wilde; 2. Megan Fox; 3. Bar Rafaeli; i4. Malin Akerman; 5. Mila Kunis;6. Eliza Dusku; 7. Adriana Lima; 8. Rihanna; 9. Jordana Brewster; 10. Jennifer Love Hewitt:

The equally disappointing 31-100 listed after the jump

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I can think of only two reasons you wouldn’t want to look at these pictures of Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima in a bikini:

1. You’re gay

2. You don’t have opposable thumbs

Adriana’s super sexy swimsuit shoot for Victoria’s Secret Summer 2009 campaign:

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority: