I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.

Hands-down the best Katie Holmes has EVER looked. And I of course mean “hands-down” in the “in your pants” kinda way. That’s usually how I mean just about everything.

New campaign for jeweler H. Stern:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan has always been the model of personal responsibility and sound fiscal management, so I was just as shocked as you are to discover that she somehow owes the The Internal Revenue Service $93,701.57 for failure to pay federal income tax in 2009. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan had no idea she was so deeply in the hole to Uncle Sam … because she THOUGHT she had accountants to take care of that crap for her, sources close to Lindsay [reveal].

The I.R.S. hit Lohan with a big, fat tax lien, claiming she failed to fork over $93k in federal income taxes from 2009.

Our sources say Lindsay believes the debt was most likely “lost in the shuffle,” but the issue will be handled immediately.

I sure hope for Lindsay’s sake that the IRS accepts stained designer dresses and sea jasper as payment. That’s really all she’s good for these days.

Lindsay for Phillipp Plein:

The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.

A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:

When God made Kate Upton, I bet he gave Jesus a high five and then chest-bumped him. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Rihanna has replaced Megan Fox as the face of Emporio Armani underwear, and the first of the new ads are out today. They’re okay, I guess. I probably would have liked them a whole lot better if they’d actually used Rihanna instead of her avatar.

Bonus non-Emporio-Armani-sanctioned photo of her sucking her thumb here:

Lingerie giant Agent Provocateur asked “Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta to be the crotch face of their latest ad campaign, a sort of tongue-in-cheek nod to her staggering around with her tits out after pounding tequila at the Golden Globes. I guess the lingerie is supposed to give off a clumsy drunken whore vibe or something. To be honest, though, you could probably give off just as much clumsy drunken whore vibe with the right tube top and a little vomit in your hair.

Formerly blond Twilight star Kellan Lutz is the chiseled abs of Dylan George’s new ready-to-wear men’s collection, and they’ve got him doing what he does best: standing around in various states of undress. Ladies, I believe our Wednesday night just got booked solid.

These are supposed to be pictures of Megan Fox for Giorgio Armani Beauty’s 2011 campaign. Unfortunately, all I could find is this photo of nice Asian lady and what appeared to be a series of lovely oil paintings.

You’ve already seen Megan Fox almost naked in her ads for Armani, but what you didn’t see was footage from the shoot itself. I propped my laptop on the pillow next to me and pretended to feed her grapes and clink imaginary champagne glasses while I watched it, but feel free to do it however you want. It’s not like there’s any hard and fast rules for watching something. Not unless you’re at an elementary school play, in which case they’re very stringent about wearing pants. Philistines.

Screen caps:

Kelly Brook does her best Daisy Duke and slutty Dorothy in these latest ads for… ah, who cares? It doesn’t matter what she’s selling. She could be hawking bee hives full of anthrax and all I’d want to know is if it came in green to match my eyes.

I was gonna write some words about Elisabetta Canalis’ super hot Roberto Cavalli ads, but I find that a deep guttural moan that emanates from your loins really does the job better than I ever could.