48-year-old Brad Pitt is the new face of Chanel No 5, which is evidently a big deal because he has a penis, and until now, only female celebrities have hawked the iconic perfume. Most likely because it’s a women’s perfume. All I could think when I read this was that “Merman, Dad. Mer-MAN!” scene in Zoolander. And thinking about that made me think about Ben Stiller, which made me think about that ridiculous mustache he had in “Dodgeball,” which got me to thinking about how weird mustaches are, and then I thought about how weird all facial hair is, really, which made me think how damn near everybody had a mustache or a beard in Civil War times, which led me to conclude that if I ever found a way to travel through time via a rift in the space-time continuum, I would definitely NOT pick the 1800′s as my target destination. This is probably why I should wait to do bong hits till after I’ve posted.
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty:
I guess the whole “Black Swan” fashion trend is still going strong, because Kendall Jenner’s new White Sands swimsuit ads feature bathing suits with ballet-inspired skirts and matching head pieces. Because nothing looks cooler at the pool than strutting down the diving board in a one-piece suit with ruffles while you struggle to get your goggles down over your headdress. Throw in some nose plugs and some SPF 150 and you’ll be peeling those boys off with a stick.
Lana del Rey is the latest celebrity to model for fashion house Versace, seen her on her first official photo shoot in West Hollywood yesterday. Apparently Versace drew real inspiration from Mrs. Roper on “Three’s Company” and Mr.T. Fashion FAIL.
Remember when that cunty Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show casting agent said they would “never” use Kate Upton in a runway show because she was “too obvious?” Yeeeah… after seeing her in these ads for her new swimwear line, I kinda get that now. All those shorts are missing is a Mustang hood for her to straddle.
Look hard, because this is the only time you’re ever gonna see a woman in a pair of Reebok Easytones who isn’t a frumpy mom of three power-walking past you in the mall.
I’d like to give Rihanna’s latest Armani ads a big thumbs up, but I can’t, on account of the cuffs and everything. I sure hope somebody’s writing an outraged letter to a Congressman or staging a protest on my behalf, because I wasn’t “charging toward Rihanna wielding a knife” — it was the Dagger of Heccabees forged by a coven of dwarf-witches long extinct — and I wasn’t trying to “stab” anybody, I was trying to harvest a lock of her hair with the Blade of the Dwarf-Witch Queen so I could properly cast a protective spell around her. Honestly, I don’t see what’s so hard about this.
Hands-down the best Katie Holmes has EVER looked. And I of course mean “hands-down” in the “in your pants” kinda way. That’s usually how I mean just about everything.
Lindsay Lohan has always been the model of personal responsibility and sound fiscal management, so I was just as shocked as you are to discover that she somehow owes the The Internal Revenue Service $93,701.57 for failure to pay federal income tax in 2009. TMZ says:
Lindsay Lohan had no idea she was so deeply in the hole to Uncle Sam … because she THOUGHT she had accountants to take care of that crap for her, sources close to Lindsay [reveal].
The I.R.S. hit Lohan with a big, fat tax lien, claiming she failed to fork over $93k in federal income taxes from 2009.
Our sources say Lindsay believes the debt was most likely “lost in the shuffle,” but the issue will be handled immediately.
I sure hope for Lindsay’s sake that the IRS accepts stained designer dresses and sea jasper as payment. That’s really all she’s good for these days.
The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.
A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:
Rihanna has replaced Megan Fox as the face of Emporio Armani underwear, and the first of the new ads are out today. They’re okay, I guess. I probably would have liked them a whole lot better if they’d actually used Rihanna instead of her avatar.
Bonus non-Emporio-Armani-sanctioned photo of her sucking her thumb here:
Lingerie giant Agent Provocateur asked “Boardwalk Empire” star Paz de la Huerta to be the crotch face of their latest ad campaign, a sort of tongue-in-cheek nod to her staggering around with her tits out after pounding tequila at the Golden Globes. I guess the lingerie is supposed to give off a clumsy drunken whore vibe or something. To be honest, though, you could probably give off just as much clumsy drunken whore vibe with the right tube top and a little vomit in your hair.
