Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.

You might think it’d be impossible to top “leggings with kneepads” in the slutty department, but you’d be underestimating the skankiness of Lindsay Lohan. She debuted the spring 2010 collection of her leggings line 6126 this week, which includes this charming little cutaway number. Scientifically speaking, the only way those pants could be any sluttier is if they were studded with RU486 and came with detachable D-cell batteries.

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not:

Kelly Brook’s boobs are slated to be a presenter at the “Heels That Heal” charity auction next month. The Daily Mail says

Kylie Minogue is selling her Giuseppe Zanotti heels, Cheryl Cole her fuchsia Rupert Sanderson pumps, Leona Lewis her Stella McCartney strappy sandals and Davina McCall her Carvella platform wedges [in the hopes of raising over] $1 million to fund research into women’s issues.

And judging from these pictures, “women’s issues” mostly entail things like “attempting to breathe after shoehorning your tits into a latex dress” and “not choking on your hair extensions when they crank up the wind machine to ‘full-force gale.’” I hope one million is enough to cover it.

Vintage Ralph Lauren modeling pics:

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen gets naked except for a trench coat in her first modeling campaign since it was revealed she was pregnant last month. Except you might have noticed they photoshopped all the pregnancy parts out. Makes perfect sense!

[London Fog] admits that the new advertising campaign saw Gisele’s body ‘retouched’ in pictures.

“Nobody is sexier or more beautiful than Gisele Bundchen in nothing but a London Fog trench coat, even with her visible baby bump,” said [the] Chief Marketing Officer. “Although Gisele was photographed while pregnant, most of the shots have been retouched to respect her privacy during this wonderful and personal time in her life.”

“Respect her privacy?” I’ve never heard it put that way. That must be fashion speak for “nobody buys stuff from fat chicks.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Victoria’s Secret Angel Bar Rafaeli has signed on to be the new face of Rampage clothing. I guess signing on as the new “tits and ass” of Rampage clothing just sounded too declassé.

It looks like Seaman Recruit David Beckham is all ready to set sea and anchor detail on the S.S. Gay Man’s Wet Dream. Bon ménage voyage, mateys!

With wife Victoria Beckham:

Victoria Beckham has stolen a page from husband David’s book by stripping down to her knickers for a new Giorgio Armani advert. Half-naked insect women must be 2009’s Birkin bag! The Sun says

Her… first ever underwear shoot [is] for the fashion house’s Spring Summer campaign. The 12 million modeling deal follows the huge success of David’s eye-popping Armani campaign last summer.

Only David did it much better. See, he’s an international superstar athlete with the body of a Teutonic god, and she’s a praying mantis with hideous fake tits and skin like a thirteen-year old boy. I could put a pair of cantalopes in a Cross-Your-Heart and hang ‘em from a stop sign and still it’d be more erotic than this shit right here.