Formerly blond Twilight star Kellan Lutz is the chiseled abs of Dylan George’s new ready-to-wear men’s collection, and they’ve got him doing what he does best: standing around in various states of undress. Ladies, I believe our Wednesday night just got booked solid.

These are supposed to be pictures of Megan Fox for Giorgio Armani Beauty’s 2011 campaign. Unfortunately, all I could find is this photo of nice Asian lady and what appeared to be a series of lovely oil paintings.

You’ve already seen Megan Fox almost naked in her ads for Armani, but what you didn’t see was footage from the shoot itself. I propped my laptop on the pillow next to me and pretended to feed her grapes and clink imaginary champagne glasses while I watched it, but feel free to do it however you want. It’s not like there’s any hard and fast rules for watching something. Not unless you’re at an elementary school play, in which case they’re very stringent about wearing pants. Philistines.

Screen caps:

Kelly Brook does her best Daisy Duke and slutty Dorothy in these latest ads for… ah, who cares? It doesn’t matter what she’s selling. She could be hawking bee hives full of anthrax and all I’d want to know is if it came in green to match my eyes.

I was gonna write some words about Elisabetta Canalis’ super hot Roberto Cavalli ads, but I find that a deep guttural moan that emanates from your loins really does the job better than I ever could.

I don’t actually know what “Bongo” is. I assume it’s some kind of cheap polyester-blend clothing line marketed at teen girls with low self-esteem and poorly-executed plastic surgery. What I do know is that girls do NOT like it when you tell them you’d like to pound on their ass like you were playing the bongos. Especially if you’re demonstrating said phenomenon on yourself while saying it.

Audrina Patridge and her bongos for Bongo (see what I did there? High five!):

I don’t know what it is with designer bags and topless chicks lately, but contrary to what the ads might suggest, clutching a handbag with exposed grommets and zippers to your bare chest isn’t such a hot idea. All those little metal pieces heat up fast when you have to use the purse as a shield against taser-wielding cops. Unless you want the words “Marc Ecko” and the imprint of a zipper seared onto your tits for the rest of your life, you’re probably just better off wearing a shirt.

90210′s AnnaLynne McCord for Marc Ecko:

Mad Men’s January Jones demonstrates the best way to carry a designer handbag — stark naked and staring soulfully into space. But don’t try it on the subway unless you want a face full of pepper spray.

Taylor Swift is the new face of CoverGirl’s NatureLuxe line, and the first of her ads was released yesterday. And… well, I don’t have anything negative to say. I’m sorry. She’s just so damn wholesome and cute. The good news is they can always use her as anti-venom if you accidentally get a Lindsay Lohan bite. They’re a lot more common than you’d think.

More from the CoverGirl shoot, plus a couple of her at the AMA’s:

PHOTO CREDIT: CoverGirl, Fame Pictures

She’s never been one to shy away from photoshop before, but these unretouched pictures from Madonna’s Spring/Summer Dolce & Gabbana campaign ought to show you just how much damage was un-done with the healing brush and patch tools. She looks like a cross between Courtney Love and Bea Arthur on roids. Even E.T.’s forearms weren’t that crêpey and disgusting.

Without photoshop:

Finished ads:

Jennifer Aniston will be at Harrods’ department store this week to launch her new perfume “Lolavie.” No word as to whether she will be topless and staring soulfully like in the ad. The Daily Mail says:

Aniston’s perfume is called Lolavie, which roughly translates as ‘laughing at life,’ and is launching Wednesday at Harrods where the perfume will be sold exclusively.

It’s the debut fragrance for Aniston, 41, who says she has been involved with every step of the development process, from creating the scent to conceptualizing the ads which were shot at Aniston’s favorite holiday getaway spot, in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

Aniston says that her scent will smell ‘sexy and clean…floral but not too flowery.’

Just like the bottle reads! “Floral but not too flowery… with hints of vetiver and sandalwood, cresting with subtle top notes of desperation and rejection.” It’s probably the closest the manufacturer could come to actually bottling her tears.

Filming “Just Go With It” with SI covergirl Brooklyn Decker:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The latest pic from Megan Fox’s Emporio Armani lingerie campaign came out today, just three days after soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo’s did. What? I don’t know. The tags said he was a “soccer stud.” I don’t know even know what that means, because I’m not foreign and I’m not gay. Best I can tell, “soccer stud” must be slang for “Jersey Shore spinoff ‘Jerk Me Sore: The Boys of Atlantic Shitty’s’ newest breakout star.” It’d just be nice if they’d put that on the photographs in the first place, you know?