Meet Kim Kardashian’s Sketchers spokesmodel replacement: a French bulldog in tiny sneakers. Sweaty spoiled Armenians with big fakes asses must not resonate with consumers like they used to. USA Today says:

The move [to replace Kardashian] comes about two months after she filed for a divorce from basketball star Kris Humphries, but Skechers executives insist that negative PR following the divorce filing has nothing to do with their decision.

“Kim got us more attention than we ever dreamed,” says Leonard Armato, president of Skechers Fitness. “But we have to establish Skechers as more than a lifestyle company.”

In the spot, the tiny dog — bedecked in Skechers’ new GOrun shoes — races a pack of greyhounds.

That’s a real one-eighty — from a commercial starring someone who likes getting peed on to a commercial starring someone who likes to pee on things. It’s your classic role reversal. Subtle AND clever. I like it, Skechers!

Her Skechers Super Bowl commercial:

The only way I’d be able to tell this was Megan Fox would be by the stupid “we will all laugh at the gilded butterflies” tattoo on her back. Like it’s not enough that they’ve ‘Shopped her face into oblivion, these days she’s looking more like a alien with a skinjob than what she used to look like before, so I would really not be able to tell it’s her.

Planning on impregnating the gullible human:

Following news that she’s taking a break from Brown University to “focus on work”, it was announced that Emma Watson is the new face of Lancome. Says E! Online,

“Thanks to her charm, romanticism and her incredible modernity, Emma Watson has become the icon of her generation. We are delighted by this new collaboration with Emma who brings a fresh spirit to Lancôme,” said company president Youcef Nabi in a statement today.

Who needs boring ol’ book-learnin’ when you can hawk over-priced makeup and get paid big bucks to do it? Nothing says “modernity” than tossing aside education in pursuit of more money than you know what to do with. It’s the new American dream.

Filming a new ad in Paris:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Pepsi’s new “skinny can” is stirring up controversy with its ad featuring a seemingly-Photoshopped Sofia Vergara. Says Digital Spy,

Sofia Vergara has insisted that photos of herself taken for Pepsi’s ‘skinny can’ were not altered.

The beverage brand received criticism on the “thoughtless and irresponsible” campaign from the National Eating Disorders Association after it was suggested that the Modern Family actress’s image had been photoshopped to make her appear thinner.

However, Vergara denied the claims, saying that she looks slimmer in the photos because of a wardrobe choice.

“That is not true at all,” she told the Boston Herald.

“I saw the pictures, and now with technology, they’re looking at it on the screen right after they take them. It was just a different way of dressing me.”

What the hell is she talking about, anyway? It’s a profile shot of her face, part of her right boob and arm. You can’t even tell it’s her. People are just always looking for a reason to be offended these days, to pick up their collective skirts and leave in a huff. Like that time I went to a Victorian-era reenactment tea in blackface. I don’t know what the problem was, I was being historically accurate.

On the set of Modern Family:

Eva Mendes got all greased up and writhed around in the sand with Jamie Dornan in an effort to convince you that whitewashed jeans shouldn’t stay dead and buried where they belong, with nothing but Poison videos to remember them by.  Is it working?  Do you want to look like a Bret Michaels groupie yet?  Personally, I’m thinking that if Calvin Klein has this raging hard on for 80s throwbacks, they could’ve just resurrected those old Brooke Shields ads.

From the Calvin Klein Jeans spring 2010 ad campaign:

Victoria Beckham has been the face of Emporio Armani’s women’s underwear for quite awhile, but now there’s a new show pony in the Armani stable.  It was announced last fall that Megan Fox would be featured in the spring/summer 2010 ad campaign for Emporio Armani women’s jeans and underwear, and here’s a first look at the photos.  They’re pretty enough, I suppose, but they’re kind of boring.  The whole thing mostly just seems like Megan standing around with the usual space cadet look on her face.  It’s pretty interchangeable with any of the lad’s mag photoshoots she’s done before, really, just without any crazy/retarded quotes attached.

Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

At least they are when Evian water uses digitally enhanced ones in their commercial. I’d imagine that overpriced name brand water is taking a hit right now, but surely they could come up with something less creepy. Can’t sleep, roller skating babies will eat me!

It looks like Seaman Recruit David Beckham is all ready to set sea and anchor detail on the S.S. Gay Man’s Wet Dream. Bon ménage voyage, mateys!

With wife Victoria Beckham:

August 29th, 1997, 2:14 a.m. Eastern Standard Time: Skynet becomes self-aware.

April 17, 2009, 12:19 p.m. Eastern Standard Time: Women the world over become self-aware. Of their vaginas. Rowr.

Various pictures of David Beckham shirtless: