Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

At least they are when Evian water uses digitally enhanced ones in their commercial. I’d imagine that overpriced name brand water is taking a hit right now, but surely they could come up with something less creepy. Can’t sleep, roller skating babies will eat me!

It looks like Seaman Recruit David Beckham is all ready to set sea and anchor detail on the S.S. Gay Man’s Wet Dream. Bon ménage voyage, mateys!

With wife Victoria Beckham:

August 29th, 1997, 2:14 a.m. Eastern Standard Time: Skynet becomes self-aware.

April 17, 2009, 12:19 p.m. Eastern Standard Time: Women the world over become self-aware. Of their vaginas. Rowr.

Various pictures of David Beckham shirtless: