Sandra Bullock will sit down with the Today Show next Tuesday in her first televised interview since husband Jesse James’ multiple affairs were revealed earlier this year. The Daily Mail says:

The Oscar winning Blind Side star has agreed to a sit-down with Today show host Matt Lauer.

The interview is set to be filmed in New Orleans, where Bullock owns a home, and is scheduled to air on the NBC morning show on August 31.

Lauer and Bullock will talk about her support for Warren Easton Charter High School in New Orleans, and he will join her for the opening of the school’s on-campus health clinic that the actress helped fund.

I’m sure it will be just as bland and non-invasive as Elin Nordegren’s People magazine interview was — less on where her ex-husband was stuffing his peen, and more on her stupid charitable endeavors in Ray Nagin’s Chocolate City. Well, people don’t want to hear about kindness and goodwill. They want smut and salaciousness and something that would burst into flames if Jesus got within ten feet of it. So it’s probably safe to say that this blog is gonna go up like a tinderbox full of mujaheddin backpacks when the Second Coming is nigh. Consider yourself warned.

Sandy in Austin yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jesse James publicly offered up an excuse for his multiple affairs on ABC’s Nightline last night: his sad feelings about his dad beating him when he was a little kid made him do it. He said in the interview:

“Bike builder, Monster Garage TV star, all that stuff is a huge smokescreen so that people won’t see that I’m a scared, abused kid, a seven-year-old. [My father] beat my ass pretty good… I just remember, like, clinched teeth, strained-neck look on his face. My whole childhood, I was always scared.”

“[One time my dad was chasing me in the dark and] I tripped and snapped my wrist and I remember my dad laughed at me when I hit the ground and called me a dummy. I was petrified of my dad. I was a terrorized kid and, I mean, it’s really tough for me to think about now because… [my daughter] is the age that I was when my dad broke my arm.”

Unless his dad beat him with biker chick fetish magazines and white supremacist porn, I fail to see the correlation between his affairs and his abuse. I don’t buy into that whole culture of victimhood rhetoric. Your “feelings of worthlessness,” your “self-sabotage,” your “innate struggle between Eros and Thanatos” — all of it’s bullshit, every last bit of it. You want to assign blame, you need to start pointing the finger where it belongs: at the Jews.

Watch the interview after the jump.

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More women have come forward this week claiming to have bedded sex-scandal-plagued Tiger Woods (whore left) and Jesse James (whore right). You might want to go ahead and Lysol your monitor before you read any further. The Daily Mail says

Adult film actress Devon James claimed her relationship with Woods lasted for two-and-a-half years.

The 29-year-old blonde said Woods paid nearly [six grand] for her and another woman to engage in a threesome.

Ms James [says Tiger] brought up his wife Elin Nordegren on their second meeting, telling her that she didn’t want to have sex very often.

She insisted she could back up her romantic connection to Woods with phone records.

What a classy dame right there. Put a swastika on that hat and a few more tattoos on her chest and she could have been underneath Jesse James a couple of times, too. Kinda like Melissa Smith, the chick on the right in the header shot. Star Magazine says

The sexy blonde stripper spills the exclusive details of her affair with the Jesse — including unprotected sex, kinky requests and intercourse on his office couch.

Melissa first made contact with Jesse online… in September 2006 (a year after he married Sandra) when he saw a photo of her on the Web site posing in front of a car at a West Coast Choppers party.

After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave his e-mail address with the name “Vanilla Gorilla” — the nickname Jesse goes by and Michelle referred to as well.

Soon after Melissa traveled to California, where they “ended up having sex on his couch,” Melissa [says].

And there’s sure to be more women to come. Us Magazine says

Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James cheated on her with other women besides tattoo model Michelle McGee.

“This is just the first person who has gone public,” one source [says]. “This is not an isolated incident. When Sandra is away, he gets bored.”

In fact, James’ infidelity has been an open secret among employees at his West Coast Choppers bike shop. James would regularly post Internet ads looking for “hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” says a source. “He sees their photos, answers the ads and invites the girls to his office.”

How could Bullock, 45, be in the dark about her husband of nearly five years?

“He is a whole other person when they’re together,” says a source. “She was completely duped.”

This just confirms my suspicion that women would rule the fucking galaxy if we didn’t keep falling in love with the jerkoffs we sleep with. Pussy makes the world go round. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. It sells everything from automobiles to soda and seems to be the only reason most men get up in the morning. You can be fat, old, ugly, stupid — doesn’t matter, so long as you have a vagina. It’s the proverbial “carrot before the horse,” so to speak. As long as you’re willing to defile yourself with said carrot in front of a webcam while wearing a leather bustier and another woman’s ass as a hat. Only then will our dreams of an absolute gynocracy finally be realized, ladies!

So, remember how everyone was shocked and appalled to find out that straightlaced Tiger Woods was actually a deranged sex maniac?  It turns out that it really wasn’t so surprising, and he’s just been hiding his freak light under a bushel for over a decade.  From the NY Daily News:

Showing off his guns and abs and glaring at the camera, Woods looks nothing like the good guy of the greens in the Annie Liebowitz shot gracing the February cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

The menacing shot – never before seen – was taken in January 2006, long before the world learned the married father of two cheated on his wife with as many as a dozen women.

In the accompanying article, Buzz Bissinger interviews some of the reporters who covered Woods for years to find out how the golf great kept his catting around under wraps for so long.

Bissinger also revisits the embarrassing interview that a then-21-year-old Woods gave to Charles Pierce of GQ magazine in 1997. Woods joked about lesbian sex and the endowments of black athletes – the kind of gaffe he never repeated once he signed with super agent Mark Steinberg.

Really?  How embarrassing could it have been?  Oh wait, hang on to your hats.  From Us:

At one point, Woods said during the tape recorded interview: “What I can’t figure out is why so many good-looking women hang around baseball and basketball. Is it because, you know, people always say that, like, black guys have big dicks?”

Bissinger notes that during a photo shoot — “where four women attended to his every need and flirted with him as he flirted back” — Woods told a joke. He rubbed the tips of his shoes together and then asked the women, “What’s this?” Woods then replied. “It’s a black guy taking off his condom.”

Woods also cracked that lesbians are “faster” at sex than gay men because women “are always going 69,” Bissinger notes.

Bissinger writes that the interview “was the only honest and open one Woods has ever given. After that the steel wall of insulation came down, spearheaded by I.M.G.,” his agency.

Okay, that’s pretty goddamn embarrassing, but meh, whatever about all of that.  It ain’t news that Tiger Woods is a philandering asshole.  What I wanna talk about is why Annie Liebowitz apparently photographed him during a prison yard workout.  Also, EW, GROSS.  Put your shirt back on, Tiger.  There’s something strange and off-putting going on with your moobs, you’ve kinda got a gut, and your nipple hair tufts are freaking me out.  You look like my grandpa, and he’s about 190 years old and I’d rather scoop out my eyes with a melon baller than see him with his shirt off.

Anyway, the NY Daily News article goes on to say that Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, is currently off frolicking in the French Alps, avoiding his ass and writing up Excel spreadsheets detailing the many, many ways in which she will be spending his money in the years to come.

You probably feel like you’ve seen more of Tiger Woods lately than you ever wanted to see in your life, but one place you weren’t seeing him these last two weeks was on commercials — and you probably won’t be any time soon. Undoubtedly bad news for Tiger, who earns nearly $90 million in contract endorsements with Accenture Plc, Nike, Gatorade, Tag Heuer, Electronic Arts and Gillette. Bloomberg reports

Advertisements featuring [Tiger Woods] have disappeared. The last prime-time ad featuring the golfer was a 30-second Gillette Co. spot on Nov. 29. Woods also was absent from ads on a number of weekend sports programs, including NFL games.

Then Toys R Us went and put his action figures on clearance, and now Gatorade has gone and pulled his drink. TMZ says

Gatorade is shutting down production of their special brand of Tiger Woods brew this month. Gatorade says Tiger Woods Focus Gatorade will conveniently be discontinued as of December 26.

I wouldn’t start stuffing my money in a mattress just yet. There are plenty of new, even bigger endorsement deals out there now that he’s been revealed as a whoremongering alcoholic. Like Trojan brand condoms, for instance. Or that website for married people who want to have affairs, Ashley Madison. Or Pfizer pharmaceuticals, Tiger’s one-stop shop for Ambien, Vicodin and Valtrex. And, of course, my personal favorite, the Fore-Par Golf Clean brand Ball Washer® — because Tiger knows what it’s like to have dirty balls!