A woman that is supposed to be Kate Winslet graces the cover of the Vanity Fair hitting newsstands this Friday, but those of us who are not legally blind will instantly realize that the woman on the cover looks nothing like the real Kate Winslet. Is the woman an imposter? An evil twin? Or just the result of hundreds of man hours of digital retouching? I’m going with “alien.” Professional airbrush artist Chris Bickmore told the Daily Mail

“There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines. The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and… her lips have been made slightly fuller as well. She has no lines or blemishes at all. There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet.

Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves. Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned. And in the shot of her sitting down on the front cover, her legs were made slightly thinner so they also appear more toned.”

You could put a fire hydrant in a wig and a dress and it’d look more like Kate Winslet than that chick does. The fire hydrant could probably do a more convincing Louisiana accent and keep its tits covered, too. High five!

Britney Spears is finally starting to look a bit like her former self — the one before two babies and 9,000 gallons of frappucino — but hell if that’s Britney in the pictures above. Nine MSN says

The leaked artwork for upcoming single ‘Womanizer’ is so airbrushed, it makes Britney look positively [inhuman] - unless you’re a human with weirdly long stick legs and a dehydrated pinhead. It’s a new benchmark in badly Photoshopped celebs.

It’s nice to know Mariah Carey’s retoucher is still making the rounds! What with the uncertainty in today’s economy and all. I guess “realistic proportions” and “job security” are mutually exclusivefor a photoshop artist. Kinda like how “not being laid like ten miles of pipe” and “your mom” are mutually exclusive. Zing!