An unretouched photo of Lindsay Lohan at her Playboy photoshoot hit the interwebs this weekend, clearly reinforcing my belief that everything in Playboy is really ninety percent photoshop wizardry. And speaking of wizards, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking dumbass. Case in point (via TMZ):

Lindsay Lohan’s purse [containing her] passport, important probation docs, and [ten thousand dollars in] cash was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party.

One of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. The local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later… claiming he found it on the street.

Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Who other than drug dealers carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person? I was gonna say “who other than black people carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person,” but I thought that sounded racist. So I went with “drug dealers” because that covers that base without me actually having to say it. You’re the racist for thinking it.

The first of Giorgio Armani Holiday Makeup ads are out today, starring a dead-eyed and soulless Megan Fox that wouldn’t even make the cutting room floor at Madame Tussaud’s. It’s probably just as well. Enough concealer to cover the bags under your eyes, the cold sore on your mouth and the rugburn on your forehead is really all the “holiday makeup” a girl ever needs anyway.

A few more ads plus some of her and husband Brian Austin Green in L.A. earlier this month:

Avril Lavinge is missing something important on the cover of next month’s Maxim. No, not cliched angst or pedestrian “bad girl” sexuality. They’re both there. It’s not fourteen pounds of hair extensions or lame tattoos, either — they’re there too. It’s the arm with the big pink arrows pointing at it. Either she’s part chameleon, or else her elbow has been surgically fused to the side of her abdomen.

She’s never been one to shy away from photoshop before, but these unretouched pictures from Madonna’s Spring/Summer Dolce & Gabbana campaign ought to show you just how much damage was un-done with the healing brush and patch tools. She looks like a cross between Courtney Love and Bea Arthur on roids. Even E.T.’s forearms weren’t that crêpey and disgusting.

Without photoshop:

Finished ads:

This picture of Christina Hendricks is from the December 2007 issue of GQ, but it’s just making the rounds today because of a little photoshop anomaly that nobody happened to catch until now. See if you can guess what it is. Hint: it’s not her boobs. They’re there. I checked. And then checked again. Nine MSN says:

Look very closely…

Seriously, where the hell are her legs?

We can only assume that the GQ Photoshop artist was so distracted by certain other areas of Christina Hendricks’ body that they forgot all about the rest of her!

It’s the entire lower half of her body that’s missing, and it only took us three years to catch it. That got me thinking — maybe we should rethink our entire approach to invading the Middle East. Instead of sending in troops to protect our oil interests, we should send in big-tittied double amputees in low cut tops. It’ll be another three years before they’ll even notice we’re there. Now that’s the kind of foreign policy I think we can all get behind! Remember to vote boobies in your November elections.

In the September 2010 issue of British GQ:

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

There’s something different about Madonna’s face in this pic on the left from last year’s W Magazine photo shoot. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but if I could, I bet it’d come back smelling like mustache wax and estrogen cream. Bitch looks like an old catcher’s mitt that somebody left out in the rain for six weeks.

See boyfriend Jesus’ wiener here.

No, that’s not chemical burns in the pic on the left; it’s Kat Von D wearing her own line of tattoo concealer for Sephora, but without all the retouching on the right. See if you can guess which of those they’re running in the ad campaign. But it’s good to know they’ve got back up pics if psoraisis and Rocky Mountain Fever ever become all the rage in 2009. Wouldn’t want to put all our eggs in one lie-blackened basket, now would we, Sephora?

At the Teen Choice Awards (top) and in German FHM (bottom):