Jenna Jameson was arrested on suspicion of DUI early this morning after her drunk ass plowed into a streetlight. TMZ says:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the porn queen was involved in a single car accident at around 1:30 AM after her car struck a light pole.

Jameson showed signs of possibly being under the influence of alcohol and was given a field sobriety test… [and] was subsequently arrested for misdemeanor suspicion of DUI.

Law enforcement officials say Jenna sustained minor injuries in the crash … but refused medical treatment.

I’m sure being Jenna Jameson, you can’t pass a giant pole without wanting to wrap something around it. In this case, it just happened to be her car instead of an orifice. Zing!

Celebrating her 38th birthday at Tao last month (it seems porn and crystal meth aren’t the fountain of youth I was lead to believe):

Remember how Lindsay Lohan said she was home watching TV the night a patron at the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub claimed to have been assaulted by her? Yeeeah… that was a lie. The cops now have The Standard Hotel’s surveillance video in which Lohan can clearly be seen inside the club on the night in question. Radar Online says:

“Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source [said]. “The investigation is still ongoing… two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

And because it worked out so well three days before, Lindsay Lohan went back to the Standard Hotel last night, and you’ll never guess what happens next. TMZ says:

Lindsay… got into it with ANOTHER woman, and it ended with LiLo on the receiving end of a flying drink.

Lindsay’s friend drove her car to the hotel — LiLo was in the passenger seat. The driver pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Lindsay then called her dad, Michael and he dutifully showed up.

He took Lindsay inside the club and the two hung out for hours … we’re told without any alcohol.

A woman in the booth next to theirs made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay then got up and screamed at the woman, “Shut the fuck up.” That’s when the drink drenched the actress.

Michael then grabbed his daughter and made a beeline for the door.

Captain Sober’s been at either Coachella or The Standard Hotel every night this week, not drinking and not doing drugs and not shoving girls who are prettier than she is. Like in this photo, for instance. She’s not totally geeked up here. It’s probably just the flash making her eyes do that. And this one? She’s not drunk. I bet the shutter speed was too slow. And as for this pic with Snoop Dogg, well, maybe she’s got pinkeye in both eyes and an Asian great-grandmother. We really shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

At Jeremy Scott’s Coachella party:

Amanda Bynes’ daddy has stepped up to the plate to publicly declare that his daughter was NOT drunk the night she side-swiped a cop car and was subsequently arrested for DUI. Whatever you say, jackass. According to People Magazine:

“She was not drunk,” Rick Bynes [said]. “I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn’t have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn’t drink.”

Rick claims the the cop who arrested Amanda was at fault for pulling out in front of the actress as she was turning at the West Hollywood intersection where she was cited. Rick adamantly says his daughter was not impaired, explaining that she was arrested because “she was upset and very emotional.”

Adding that Amanda was released with no bail, Rick went on to say, “She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her.”

He’s right, you know. Those of us who “choose not to work” are constantly villainized. It’s all “drain on society” this and “abusing the system” that. That’s why we drink.

Outside the West Hollywood police station:

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is all better now after being in rehab for less than a month. Of course, that depends on your opinion of “better”. Me, I would say he’s better when America gets tired of watching stupid reality shows about trashy people. So, probably not anytime soon. Says TMZ,

The Situation has CHECKED OUT of the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah … where he was receiving treatment for substance abuse … TMZ has learned.

TMZ broke the story … Mike Sorrentino checked in to the famous treatment center several weeks ago … claiming he wanted to “get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion.”

Sitch was spotted out moments ago at a nearby airport … and even took a photo with a fan who happened to be on his flight.

I’m sure his time in rehab has totally transformed him. He probably would never wear an open shirt anymore and speaks intelligently about important societal issues and raises his pinky when he drinks his afternoon tea. He’s like a new Eliza Doolittle, if Eliza Doolittle smiled like she had suffered a stroke and had a persistent, itching rash.

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain, but who really cares when Emily VanCamp in Cosmopolitan magazine is all bright colors and long legs?

First it was just exhaustion, and then it was that he was addicted to prescription pills he was taking for his exhaustion, and now it’s been revealed that “Jersey Shore’s” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is also in rehab for his proclivity for mixing booze with those prescription pills he was taking for that exhaustion. And apparently if you’ve watched any of season five, this was a long time coming. TMZ says:

The reality star had been showing signs of substance abuse for a while … but “he was getting worse” as the season went on.

He was “acting paranoid” on the set … and the unusual behavior was evident in the [episode where] the gang goes camping — Sitch can be seen acting jittery, sweating profusely and just plain acting bizarre.

Additionally, TMZ is claiming that The Situation went through detox at another facility before he checked into the Cirque Lodge, and the detox reportedly involved alcohol:

The Sitch is “very open” with other patients at Cirque about his drinking. He discusses how his club appearances escalated his alcohol use.

Now here’s the problem for “Jersey Shore.” The Situation and alcohol have been tied at the hip for 5 seasons. If the show allows The Situation to fall off the wagon to make the show better in season 6, they will look like crass enablers. If they don’t let him drink, there’s a good chance they will lose viewers.

Um, since when has being viewed as “crass enablers” ever been a problem for MTV? It’s my understanding that they fucking thrive on it. Crassly enabling is three-quarters of their entire annual budget.

That sweaty paranoid behavior that sent up some red flags:

Heather Locklear is doing what any aging, former soap opera star would do to get back in the spotlight, if only for a few precious, fleeting moments: have a night downing prescription pills and booze. Also known as, “A damn good time”. Says Digital Spy,

Heather Locklear is said to be in a conscious and stable condition after being rushed to hospital on Thursday (January 12).

The Melrose Place actress – who successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program for a prescription drug dependency in 2010 after being involved in a hit-and-run accident – was examined by paramedics and taken for medical treatment in an ambulance.

It is thought that she may have mixed prescription drugs and alcohol.

A spokesperson for Los Robles Hospital told KNBC Los Angeles that Locklear will remain in hospital overnight, adding that she is conscious, stable and “resting comfortably”.

“Successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program” these days just means that you A. had enough money to bribe the orderly to slip you your drug of choice or B. have a sympathetic mom who hides your stash in her abundant cleavage. Guess which one is my favorite method?

Someone named Laura Whitmore at the Brit Awards, who affirms the benefits of plastic surgery (everyone knows that the British are ugly):

Amy Winehouse’s dad had been telling the papers for weeks now that Amy wasn’t on the bad shit when she died, and newly released toxicology reports confirm that there were no illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Booze, yes; crack cocaine, no. A rep for the family released the following statement (via TMZ):

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.

Alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.

The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”

Before you mouth WTF?! and raise your eyebrows in disbelief, note that they said no illegal drugs were found in her system. Operative word here being “illegal.” Vicodin, xanax, ketamine and oxycodone and are all perfectly fucking legal. So is model airplane glue, VCR head cleaner, and gasoline. I bet the toxicology reports show you could use her liver to make your own Molotov cocktail.

French actor Gerard Depardieu held up a flight for two hours after he urinated in the aisle of the plane because a flight attendant told him he’d have to wait until the fasten seat belt light was off to use the facilities. I’m sure he then farted in our general direction and thumbed his gigantic nose at us. The Daily Mail says:

The drunk 63-year-old actor called out ‘I need to piss, I need to piss,’ as the flight from Paris to Dublin was preparing for take-off on Tuesday evening.

But cabin crew told him that because the plane was taxiing to the runway he would have to wait until they were airborne and the seat-belts signs had been turned off.

So instead, [Depardieu] stood up, unzipped his flies and relieved himself in the cabin — to the horror of fellow passengers.

The Air France flight then returned to the stand and was delayed for two hours while it was cleaned.

I’m sure he only pissed in the aisle because he couldn’t find an American flag to pee on first. Fucking frogs, man. He couldn’t be more stereotypically French if he was wearing a beret and waving a white flag made out of cheese and German lubricant.

In an interview with next month’s British GQ, 22-year-old Daniel Radcliffe claims he was a total boozehound the whole time he was filming the Harry Potter series. Us Magazine says:

“I became so reliant on alcohol to enjoy stuff,” Radcliffe tells GQ. “There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.”

Radcliffe considers himself lucky that the paparazzi didn’t bust up his booze habit. “I really got away with that because there were many instances when a paparazzi shot like that could have been taken,” says the actor.

Clean and sober since August 2010, Radcliffe [adds], “As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life.”

So Harry Potter wants us to think that he was some hard-drinking bad boy living life on the edge for the last five years, yet somehow nobody noticed it. Not even the British paparazzi, who are second only to grizzly bears in terms of overt aggressiveness and thirst for blood. Uh-huh. Maybe someone should tell Harry that Memory Modifying Charms and invisibility cloaks only work in the books. Richie Cunningham is more of a badass than this weenie is.

Lindsay Lohan managed yet again to dodge jail time today, this time skating by on a legal technicality. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan will not go to jail because Judge Stephanie Sautner ruled the prior judge — Elden Fox — only required controlled substances testing from January 3 – February 25, 2011. In other words, Judge Fox did not order alcohol testing.

Judge Sautner said Lindsay is now restricted for the remainder of her house arrest to one friend at a time at her Venice loft, in addition to family members.

[Although] the judge said NO PARTIES at Lindsay’s crib, the Probation Dept. cannot test Lindsay for drugs or alcohol, because there’s no court order allowing it. So Lindsay is free to drink all she wants, as long as she’s not driving after she drinks.

If the Los Angeles penal system were any more ineffectual and weak, they’d be a Dex-based character in Dungeons & Dragons. That is, totally useless you first load up Strength, which means you won’t utilize piercing damage bonuses or dodge capabilities, which by default makes you just a meleer with a piercing damage focused mastery and not a true Dex-based character at all. Sorry, but those are just the cold hard facts.

Arriving at court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The reason Lindsay Lohan bailed on her Today Show interview at the last minute yesterday was because she’d just found out she’d tested positive for alcohol — meaning she has to appear in court today for another probation violation hearing — and a “I’m serious about my sobriety” interview would have probably seemed a little hollow, given the circumstances. (Good thing she already gave that interview to Life & Style earlier this week, then. Nothing says “humbled by past mistakes” and “well-grounded” like sitting in front of a eight foot high portrait of yourself.) TMZ says:

Lindsay was tested twice last week — [she] tested positive for alcohol on one of the tests and negative on the other. One of the tests was administered just after Lindsay had a rooftop barbecue party.

Sources [say] the L.A. County Probation Department will ask [the judge] to yank her out of house arrest and throw her in L.A. County Jail.

The Probation Department is pissed off because they tried to force Lindsay to take two tests in May but Lindsay’s lawyer refused to make Lindsay submit, claiming it wasn’t part of her probation. Turns out it was, so Lindsay subsequently took the two tests… one of which she failed.

There’s stupid, and then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Unbelievable. Even Ryan Dunn makes better life decisions than that bitch does.

Rooftop party in question:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen’s porn star pal Kacey Jordan tried to kill herself last night. But instead of it being a cry for help, it was a desperate attempt at attention. Says TMZ,

Kacey Jordan–a porn star who partied with Charlie Sheen during his cocaine binge back in January — tried to kill herself last night … this according to police.

Law enforcement sources tell us … the Chicago Police Department raced to the Peninsula Hotel around 6:51 PM last night after receiving calls from the hotel after Kacey twittered several suicidal messages … saying she had taken a bunch of pills and alcohol and was waiting to die.

We’re told when cops got to the hotel, Kacey was sitting on her bed — with prescription pill bottles, broken glass and alcohol all over her room.

Law enforcement sources tell us Jordan had cuts and scrapes to her wrists and arms … but insisted the suicide messages were merely a publicity stunt.

While Kacey was talking to police, we’re told the porn star grabbed a corkscrew bottle opener … tried to run out of the room … and attempted to cut herself.

Cops eventually subdued Kacey before she could further harm herself and took her to a nearby hospital for a mental evaluation.

We’re told cops reported the incident as a non-criminal suicide attempt.

No word on Jordan’s condition.

At the point when the law enforcement determined that she was just doing it for publicity, I would say that they should have taken her to get her stomach pumped, prescription pills OD or not. But then she’s used to having things rammed down her throat, so there wouldn’t really be any fun in that.

Out in LA last month: