Noah Cyrus, ten-year-old sister of Miley Cyrus, has been on this site twice, both times for being creepy and disturbing (once for dressing like a child prostitute and once for appearing in a YouTube video singing and dancing to Akon’s “Smack That”). Not satisfied with freaking people out by acting like a preteen whore, Noah has moved on to singing about alcoholic partying, appearing in a YouTube video lip-synching (poorly) to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” with an unidentified man.

This is creepy for many reasons, most of which involve the fact that this kid is TEN YEARS OLD.  She should not be singing about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, trying to get a little tipsy, having plenty of beer, or getting crunk and having boys try to touch her junk.  SHE’S TEN.  Even in the Cyrus family, that shit can wait until she’s at least 12.

In other news, holy hell this is one unfortunate looking kid, huh?  Miley’s kinda homely herself, but DAYUM her little sister is fug.  And that’s some serious Hermione Granger hair she’s got going on.  Your family’s got millions, kid.  I think maybe they’d buy you a brush if you asked nicely.

Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says

According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”

A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”

Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.

Everybody knows John Mayer is a useless douchebag with an unquenchable thirst for attention, but the stupidity of this is just mind boggling.  Mayer and some random idiot “reality star” friend of his named Rob Dyrdek got wasted and then Twittered their way up their own asses.  From People:

A night of hard partying landed John Mayer in the deejay booth and pal Rob Dyrdek in the hospital … or did it?

The two began the night at Hollywood hot spot My House, where they were seen sharing Corzo tequila shots straight out of the bottle before Mayer launched into an impromptu show.

But the night ended with the two stumbling out of the club and, according to Mayer’s Twitter, to a hospital: “In triage at Cedars with @Robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into applause.”

This would’ve been a way better story if John Mayer had died of alcohol poisoning or somehow been eaten alive by bullet ants, but I guess nobody likes getting their stomach pumped so this would probably be sad or whatever for the friend.  That is, if a single word of it were true:

“It was fake, they were just having fun and screwing around for publicity,” a source tells PEOPLE. The skateboarder/reality star was up and running the next day, Tweeting: “A funny night out with @johncmayer.”

I literally don’t know who the hell you are, Rob Dyrdek, but I hate you already.  Clearly there are things wrong with you since you’re even friends with John Mayer in the first place, but c’mon, a pretend alcohol related hospital visit?  For attention?  The fuck are you guys, a pair of 14-year-old secret cutter girls in a goddamn Lifetime movie?

Third time’s always a charm — just ask “The Tudors’” Jonathan Rhys Meyers! According to the NY Daily News

Meyers has checked into rehab for the third time. The “Tudors” star has struggled with alcohol in the past and fought his demons at Promises in 2005.

Talk that his drinking problem had resurfaced started earlier this month when Rhys Meyers didn’t show up to the IFTAs in Dublin.

What was that? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. Jonathan’s devil eyes keep telling me that my dog wants me to kill my neighbors and change my name to Son of Sam. Weird, huh?

Using his devil-eye power to trick Trinity College into giving him some award:

More rumors of lesbian discord between Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, this time at ESPN The Magazine’s Pre-Super Bowl party last Friday. Fox News says

An angry-looking Lindsay hung out near Sam’s D.J. booth chain-smoking until the early hours while shooting her dirty looks. According to an insider, Lohan continued to grab Ronson’s Blackberry obsessively and check her messages before an inevitable feud broke out. The two later headed to the ladies’ to “sort it out” and came out smiling.

“Sort it out,” or “snort it out?” I think we all know the answer to that one. Besides, there was already a pretty good chance she’d been drinking:

While the [party goers] all enjoyed shots of Patron, the “reformed” rehabber made a public display of only drinking Red Bull, although… a secret stash of liquor was later found underneath Lilo’s table.

Well, to be fair, we can’t just assume she was drinking because someone discovered a bottle of booze under the table. For all we know, she might have been using the bottle neck to fuck herself under the table. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. We all know how angry her puss gets when it goes more than ten minutes without something inside it. Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash! We should really just give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Arriving in L.A. with Samantha, after telling people “she would die” if she had to fly coach:

Amy Winehouse’s stay in St. Lucia has turned from a relaxing holiday into a covert, no-holds-barred alcohol-wrangling night mission. Just like the Navy Seals, but with more falling down and slurring! According to The Sun

The sneaky singer… begs guests to order booze for her at the all-inclusive Caribbean resort. She was spotted creeping up behind one woman, asking for a cigarette and then sprinting away with her cocktail. A source at the resort said: “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

Squirrels everywhere were outraged by the comparison, stating, “We might spend four months underground buried in dirt and covered with fleas, but we sure as hell don’t smell like that,” and adding “our nests are not nearly as ratty and nasty as that bitch’s hair, either.”

Doing yoga and the rings:

Here’s one you didn’t see coming: washed up whore and sloppy drunk Tara Reid is in rehab. Surprise, surprise, surprise! According to People Magazine

The actress’s rep [said], “Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family’s privacy at this time.” The rep would not reveal what Reid, 33, is being treated for.

A friend of the troubled actress says, “She checked in herself – it was her decision.”

What oh what could her malady be? I’m pretty sure Promises doesn’t treat plastic surgery addiction. But what about penis addiction? Or testicles-on-my-chin addiction? Or anal-if-you-buy-me-drinks addiction? I’m pretty sure those aren’t real vices. And besides, I listed them as “strengths” on my resume, right under to “Level 61 Night Elf Druid” and “Skee Ball High Score Holder at the Cloverleaf Mall arcade.” How did you think I got this sweet gig, talent? Not hardly!

Checking into Promises:

Photo credit: SPLASH NEWS

A disheveled Joaquin Phoenix showed up to the premiere of his supposedly-last movie “Two Lovers” with the Yodarian© message “Bye! Good” written on his knuckles. I’m sure we can expect to see “NeedsPumping MyStomach” and “ForFood WillWork” on his fists in the upcoming months. Anyway, his apparent alcohol-induced dyslexia did little to assuage rumors that he’s fallen off the old sobriety wagon. Page Six says

The two-time Oscar nominee showed up to a tribute to Paul Newman last week and “was out of it.” Other actors were performing scenes and readings, but Phoenix just got up and walked out. “He wobbled back in a bit later, but it was odd,” said our source. “He was slurring his words and was unsteady on his feet.” Friends of Joaquin are worried about the star, who has had a very public battle with drink and drugs.

Is Joaquin back on the booze? Jesus Christ. That’s like finding a huge penis is your ass and “wondering” if you’re gay. Of course you’re gay! You’re so gay you have two different versions of Dance Dance Revolution and a subscription to “Cat Fancy” and “Interpretive Dance Quarterly.” If you were any gayer there’d be a sailor in tap shoes using you as a hand puppet while you read this. I think you all can see where I’m going here. Joaquin Phoenix is clearly a gay. Like they say in the movies, case closed!

© _{Copyright Yeeeah! media. All rights reserved.}