Heather Locklear is doing what any aging, former soap opera star would do to get back in the spotlight, if only for a few precious, fleeting moments: have a night downing prescription pills and booze. Also known as, “A damn good time”. Says Digital Spy,

Heather Locklear is said to be in a conscious and stable condition after being rushed to hospital on Thursday (January 12).

The Melrose Place actress – who successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program for a prescription drug dependency in 2010 after being involved in a hit-and-run accident – was examined by paramedics and taken for medical treatment in an ambulance.

It is thought that she may have mixed prescription drugs and alcohol.

A spokesperson for Los Robles Hospital told KNBC Los Angeles that Locklear will remain in hospital overnight, adding that she is conscious, stable and “resting comfortably”.

“Successfully completed an in-patient rehabilitation program” these days just means that you A. had enough money to bribe the orderly to slip you your drug of choice or B. have a sympathetic mom who hides your stash in her abundant cleavage. Guess which one is my favorite method?

Someone named Laura Whitmore at the Brit Awards, who affirms the benefits of plastic surgery (everyone knows that the British are ugly):

Amy Winehouse’s dad had been telling the papers for weeks now that Amy wasn’t on the bad shit when she died, and newly released toxicology reports confirm that there were no illegal drugs in her system at the time of her death. Booze, yes; crack cocaine, no. A rep for the family released the following statement (via TMZ):

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death.

Alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.

The family would like to thank the police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations. They await the outcome of the inquest in October.”

Before you mouth WTF?! and raise your eyebrows in disbelief, note that they said no illegal drugs were found in her system. Operative word here being “illegal.” Vicodin, xanax, ketamine and oxycodone and are all perfectly fucking legal. So is model airplane glue, VCR head cleaner, and gasoline. I bet the toxicology reports show you could use her liver to make your own Molotov cocktail.

French actor Gerard Depardieu held up a flight for two hours after he urinated in the aisle of the plane because a flight attendant told him he’d have to wait until the fasten seat belt light was off to use the facilities. I’m sure he then farted in our general direction and thumbed his gigantic nose at us. The Daily Mail says:

The drunk 63-year-old actor called out ‘I need to piss, I need to piss,’ as the flight from Paris to Dublin was preparing for take-off on Tuesday evening.

But cabin crew told him that because the plane was taxiing to the runway he would have to wait until they were airborne and the seat-belts signs had been turned off.

So instead, [Depardieu] stood up, unzipped his flies and relieved himself in the cabin — to the horror of fellow passengers.

The Air France flight then returned to the stand and was delayed for two hours while it was cleaned.

I’m sure he only pissed in the aisle because he couldn’t find an American flag to pee on first. Fucking frogs, man. He couldn’t be more stereotypically French if he was wearing a beret and waving a white flag made out of cheese and German lubricant.

In an interview with next month’s British GQ, 22-year-old Daniel Radcliffe claims he was a total boozehound the whole time he was filming the Harry Potter series. Us Magazine says:

“I became so reliant on alcohol to enjoy stuff,” Radcliffe tells GQ. “There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.”

Radcliffe considers himself lucky that the paparazzi didn’t bust up his booze habit. “I really got away with that because there were many instances when a paparazzi shot like that could have been taken,” says the actor.

Clean and sober since August 2010, Radcliffe [adds], “As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life.”

So Harry Potter wants us to think that he was some hard-drinking bad boy living life on the edge for the last five years, yet somehow nobody noticed it. Not even the British paparazzi, who are second only to grizzly bears in terms of overt aggressiveness and thirst for blood. Uh-huh. Maybe someone should tell Harry that Memory Modifying Charms and invisibility cloaks only work in the books. Richie Cunningham is more of a badass than this weenie is.

Lindsay Lohan managed yet again to dodge jail time today, this time skating by on a legal technicality. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan will not go to jail because Judge Stephanie Sautner ruled the prior judge — Elden Fox — only required controlled substances testing from January 3 – February 25, 2011. In other words, Judge Fox did not order alcohol testing.

Judge Sautner said Lindsay is now restricted for the remainder of her house arrest to one friend at a time at her Venice loft, in addition to family members.

[Although] the judge said NO PARTIES at Lindsay’s crib, the Probation Dept. cannot test Lindsay for drugs or alcohol, because there’s no court order allowing it. So Lindsay is free to drink all she wants, as long as she’s not driving after she drinks.

If the Los Angeles penal system were any more ineffectual and weak, they’d be a Dex-based character in Dungeons & Dragons. That is, totally useless you first load up Strength, which means you won’t utilize piercing damage bonuses or dodge capabilities, which by default makes you just a meleer with a piercing damage focused mastery and not a true Dex-based character at all. Sorry, but those are just the cold hard facts.

Arriving at court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The reason Lindsay Lohan bailed on her Today Show interview at the last minute yesterday was because she’d just found out she’d tested positive for alcohol — meaning she has to appear in court today for another probation violation hearing — and a “I’m serious about my sobriety” interview would have probably seemed a little hollow, given the circumstances. (Good thing she already gave that interview to Life & Style earlier this week, then. Nothing says “humbled by past mistakes” and “well-grounded” like sitting in front of a eight foot high portrait of yourself.) TMZ says:

Lindsay was tested twice last week — [she] tested positive for alcohol on one of the tests and negative on the other. One of the tests was administered just after Lindsay had a rooftop barbecue party.

Sources [say] the L.A. County Probation Department will ask [the judge] to yank her out of house arrest and throw her in L.A. County Jail.

The Probation Department is pissed off because they tried to force Lindsay to take two tests in May but Lindsay’s lawyer refused to make Lindsay submit, claiming it wasn’t part of her probation. Turns out it was, so Lindsay subsequently took the two tests… one of which she failed.

There’s stupid, and then there’s Lindsay Lohan. Unbelievable. Even Ryan Dunn makes better life decisions than that bitch does.

Rooftop party in question:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen’s porn star pal Kacey Jordan tried to kill herself last night. But instead of it being a cry for help, it was a desperate attempt at attention. Says TMZ,

Kacey Jordan–a porn star who partied with Charlie Sheen during his cocaine binge back in January — tried to kill herself last night … this according to police.

Law enforcement sources tell us … the Chicago Police Department raced to the Peninsula Hotel around 6:51 PM last night after receiving calls from the hotel after Kacey twittered several suicidal messages … saying she had taken a bunch of pills and alcohol and was waiting to die.

We’re told when cops got to the hotel, Kacey was sitting on her bed — with prescription pill bottles, broken glass and alcohol all over her room.

Law enforcement sources tell us Jordan had cuts and scrapes to her wrists and arms … but insisted the suicide messages were merely a publicity stunt.

While Kacey was talking to police, we’re told the porn star grabbed a corkscrew bottle opener … tried to run out of the room … and attempted to cut herself.

Cops eventually subdued Kacey before she could further harm herself and took her to a nearby hospital for a mental evaluation.

We’re told cops reported the incident as a non-criminal suicide attempt.

No word on Jordan’s condition.

At the point when the law enforcement determined that she was just doing it for publicity, I would say that they should have taken her to get her stomach pumped, prescription pills OD or not. But then she’s used to having things rammed down her throat, so there wouldn’t really be any fun in that.

Out in LA last month:

Yeah, what the headline says. According to TMZ:

A hiatal hernia in his stomach — not an overdose — triggered the 911 call that landed Charlie in the hospital [early this morning].

The hernia located in Charlie’s stomach… causes acid and food to back up into the esophagus, [causing] “horrible, horrendous pain.”

Charlie will spend the night at the hospital.

So then this had nothing to do with it, then:

Charlie Sheen had a “briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his home — and was using large amounts of the drug during the 36-hour bender that landed him in the hospital.

Sheen had 2 porn stars and several other women inside his home during the [two-day party] that started Tuesday night.

God knows you aren’t doing anything with your dick after downing a briefcase full of blow and two days’ worth of booze, so what the hell was he doing those last few hours? Oh, right — this:

[After] smoking cocaine continuously for hours, Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

Charlie himself as a porn connoisseur. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge.

You know, there’s a reason Grandma doesn’t snowboard and Superman isn’t a 55-year old man with full-blown cirrhosis. Charlie Sheen is too fucking old for this kind of shit. His liver can’t take much more. At this point, it’s got to be the size of a damn halibut. And it’s probably the same color and with almost as many teeth.

In yet another unfortunate case of life imitating art, former “My Name Is Earl” star Jamie Pressly was arrested last night on suspicion of DUl. TMZ says:

Jaime Pressly was driving in Santa Monica at around 11PM when she was stopped. Cops took notice of her vehicle after she allegedly committed a traffic violation.

A field sobriety test was performed and Jaime was arrested and booked on suspicion of DUI.

She was taken to the Santa Monica jail and held on $15,000 bail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa — fifteen grand? Any seasoned alcoholic will tell you they only set bail that high if you’re also carrying drugs or your kids in the car. So which was it?

Law enforcement [say] there were no drugs in Jaime’s car [and] no children were in the car. And there was no car accident.

The only other circumstance in which bail is set at $15,000 — the normal amount is $5,000 — is when the driver’s blood-alcohol level is higher than .15.

We have not, however, been able to confirm Jaime’s level.

For those of you who don’t drink (booooo!), a BAC of .15 is the equivalent of five glasses of wine in about an hour. Or as I like to call it, “lunch.” The good thing about having blood alcohol levels that high is that you never have to worry about getting separated from your group. If they lose you, your friends can just follow the trail of piss and puke Hansel and Gretl-style back to whoever’s bed you passed out in. That’s why the Date Rape hotline says there’s safety in numbers.

UPDATE: Now with hot mugshot action and realistic kung-fu grip!

A trip down FHM and Maxim lane:

It’s sounding more and more like Disney pukling Demi Lovato’s stint in rehab has less to do with her anger issues and a whole lot more to do with her substance abuse problem. The NY Daily News says:

“She was doing line after line [of cocaine] like a pro — and she was 17 at the time,” Texas college student Brian Payne told Life & Style magazine.

Payne [said] he witnessed the Disney Channel star snorting cocaine during a party [at the North Richmond Hills house of a friend following a concert in Dallas] last December.

Payne said he and the “Sonny With A Chance” star partied all night.

“I just remember her doing [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time,” Payne said. “It didn’t seem like something new to her.”

The 18-year-old Lovato’s hard partying apparently continued right up to the point she checked into a treatment center last week.

But don’t let’s forget the boozing:

“Demi’s been on a tear lately. She’ll chug booze straight from the bottle,” a source close to Lovato [revealed].

“Since Joe dumped her, Demi’s been depressed and drinking a lot. It’s been hard for her to keep working so closely with Joe,” another unnamed source told Life & Style.

So she’s “coke-binging and boozing like a pro,” is she? I thought most people just referred to that as “Charlie Sheen.”

More details have emerged about what led up to Charlie Sheen’s unfortunate “allergic reaction to medication” that resulted in $7,000 worth of damage to a Midtown hotel yesterday. According to TMZ:

Charlie’s alcohol-fueled rampage began at a restaurant called Daniel near the Plaza Hotel where [he] was staying. He, three other men and five women had an 8:00 PM reservation Tuesday night and Charlie was drinking heavily. Denise Richards, we’re told, went to the dinner but left fairly quickly after things got wild.

Charlie brought one of the women back to his hotel room and soon thereafter people on his floor heard what they say was primal screaming and swearing from inside the room. Charlie was calling the woman a whore and other names, when people started to complain.

We’re told Charlie ripped the curtains, overturned tables, damaged a lighting fixture and broke glass, which cut his toe open.

Of course, Charlie tested positive for cocaine during his psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, despite just having finished a stint in court-ordered rehab after threatening to kill his other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller. But he doesn’t need to go back to rehab, because this was really more of a “bump in the road” than a full-blown relapse. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen [acknowledges] he screwed up in New York City, but has no plans to return to rehab.

People who have direct contact with Charlie tell us he wants to “move on.”

Charlie went home Tuesday night after landing in L.A.

And the best part about all this? Charlie Sheen is currently the highest-paid actor on US televesion. THE highest. You could mulch your backyard with Ben Franklins and wipe your ass with solid gold bars and still not piss away as much money in a year as this guy does in a weekend. I guess this is just what happens when an chlamydial force meets an multi-penetrable object.

Denise Richards talking about the trip to the hospital with Joy Behar:

Hey guys, it’s Sonya today filling in while Abby spends the day trying to fill in the blanks in her memory from this past weekend. Alcohol amnesia can be such a bitch! Hey, speaking about alcohol and bitches, Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to get back to making great movies again. Wow, that was weird putting Lindsay Lohan and great movies in the same sentence. Says Popeater,

Lindsay Lohan is determined to return to the top of the Hollywood A-list.

In an interview with Vanity Fair conducted prior to her incarceration, Lohan tells the magazine that she’s willing to do whatever it takes.

“I want my career back. I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies. And if that takes not going out to a club at night, then so be it. It’s not fun anyway.”

“I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress. … And I know that in my past I was young and irresponsible — but that’s what growing up is. You learn from your mistakes,” she says.

The actress also defends herself against rumors that she is an alcoholic. “If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking — so that says something, because I was fine,” she explains.

“I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have — never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done — to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, OK, ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”

Shit, I must be hallucinating, because for some reason I thought that they put SCRAM bracelets on because you have a problem with alcohol. And I’m so relieved to know that she never abused prescription drugs and has no desire to, because illegal drugs are the way to go. You don’t have to bother with trying to find a doctor who will give you a fake prescription. That shit is tiresome. Also, excuse me, but did she just fast forward like, 10 years or something? I know she has the face of a 30-something, but I seem to remember her getting in trouble for her drug/alcohol shenanigans pretty damn recently. She makes it sound like she was “dabbling”, as she calls it, when she was filming The Parent Trap, for pete’s sake.

Yes, this is what she wore to court on Monday: