Yeah, what the headline says. According to TMZ:

A hiatal hernia in his stomach — not an overdose — triggered the 911 call that landed Charlie in the hospital [early this morning].

The hernia located in Charlie’s stomach… causes acid and food to back up into the esophagus, [causing] “horrible, horrendous pain.”

Charlie will spend the night at the hospital.

So then this had nothing to do with it, then:

Charlie Sheen had a “briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his home — and was using large amounts of the drug during the 36-hour bender that landed him in the hospital.

Sheen had 2 porn stars and several other women inside his home during the [two-day party] that started Tuesday night.

God knows you aren’t doing anything with your dick after downing a briefcase full of blow and two days’ worth of booze, so what the hell was he doing those last few hours? Oh, right — this:

[After] smoking cocaine continuously for hours, Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

Charlie himself as a porn connoisseur. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge.

You know, there’s a reason Grandma doesn’t snowboard and Superman isn’t a 55-year old man with full-blown cirrhosis. Charlie Sheen is too fucking old for this kind of shit. His liver can’t take much more. At this point, it’s got to be the size of a damn halibut. And it’s probably the same color and with almost as many teeth.

In yet another unfortunate case of life imitating art, former “My Name Is Earl” star Jamie Pressly was arrested last night on suspicion of DUl. TMZ says:

Jaime Pressly was driving in Santa Monica at around 11PM when she was stopped. Cops took notice of her vehicle after she allegedly committed a traffic violation.

A field sobriety test was performed and Jaime was arrested and booked on suspicion of DUI.

She was taken to the Santa Monica jail and held on $15,000 bail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa — fifteen grand? Any seasoned alcoholic will tell you they only set bail that high if you’re also carrying drugs or your kids in the car. So which was it?

Law enforcement [say] there were no drugs in Jaime’s car [and] no children were in the car. And there was no car accident.

The only other circumstance in which bail is set at $15,000 — the normal amount is $5,000 — is when the driver’s blood-alcohol level is higher than .15.

We have not, however, been able to confirm Jaime’s level.

For those of you who don’t drink (booooo!), a BAC of .15 is the equivalent of five glasses of wine in about an hour. Or as I like to call it, “lunch.” The good thing about having blood alcohol levels that high is that you never have to worry about getting separated from your group. If they lose you, your friends can just follow the trail of piss and puke Hansel and Gretl-style back to whoever’s bed you passed out in. That’s why the Date Rape hotline says there’s safety in numbers.

UPDATE: Now with hot mugshot action and realistic kung-fu grip!

A trip down FHM and Maxim lane:

It’s sounding more and more like Disney pukling Demi Lovato’s stint in rehab has less to do with her anger issues and a whole lot more to do with her substance abuse problem. The NY Daily News says:

“She was doing line after line [of cocaine] like a pro — and she was 17 at the time,” Texas college student Brian Payne told Life & Style magazine.

Payne [said] he witnessed the Disney Channel star snorting cocaine during a party [at the North Richmond Hills house of a friend following a concert in Dallas] last December.

Payne said he and the “Sonny With A Chance” star partied all night.

“I just remember her doing [cocaine] as if she had been doing it for a long time,” Payne said. “It didn’t seem like something new to her.”

The 18-year-old Lovato’s hard partying apparently continued right up to the point she checked into a treatment center last week.

But don’t let’s forget the boozing:

“Demi’s been on a tear lately. She’ll chug booze straight from the bottle,” a source close to Lovato [revealed].

“Since Joe dumped her, Demi’s been depressed and drinking a lot. It’s been hard for her to keep working so closely with Joe,” another unnamed source told Life & Style.

So she’s “coke-binging and boozing like a pro,” is she? I thought most people just referred to that as “Charlie Sheen.”

More details have emerged about what led up to Charlie Sheen’s unfortunate “allergic reaction to medication” that resulted in $7,000 worth of damage to a Midtown hotel yesterday. According to TMZ:

Charlie’s alcohol-fueled rampage began at a restaurant called Daniel near the Plaza Hotel where [he] was staying. He, three other men and five women had an 8:00 PM reservation Tuesday night and Charlie was drinking heavily. Denise Richards, we’re told, went to the dinner but left fairly quickly after things got wild.

Charlie brought one of the women back to his hotel room and soon thereafter people on his floor heard what they say was primal screaming and swearing from inside the room. Charlie was calling the woman a whore and other names, when people started to complain.

We’re told Charlie ripped the curtains, overturned tables, damaged a lighting fixture and broke glass, which cut his toe open.

Of course, Charlie tested positive for cocaine during his psychiatric evaluation at the hospital, despite just having finished a stint in court-ordered rehab after threatening to kill his other ex-wife, Brooke Mueller. But he doesn’t need to go back to rehab, because this was really more of a “bump in the road” than a full-blown relapse. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen [acknowledges] he screwed up in New York City, but has no plans to return to rehab.

People who have direct contact with Charlie tell us he wants to “move on.”

Charlie went home Tuesday night after landing in L.A.

And the best part about all this? Charlie Sheen is currently the highest-paid actor on US televesion. THE highest. You could mulch your backyard with Ben Franklins and wipe your ass with solid gold bars and still not piss away as much money in a year as this guy does in a weekend. I guess this is just what happens when an chlamydial force meets an multi-penetrable object.

Denise Richards talking about the trip to the hospital with Joy Behar:

Hey guys, it’s Sonya today filling in while Abby spends the day trying to fill in the blanks in her memory from this past weekend. Alcohol amnesia can be such a bitch! Hey, speaking about alcohol and bitches, Lindsay Lohan is bound and determined to get back to making great movies again. Wow, that was weird putting Lindsay Lohan and great movies in the same sentence. Says Popeater,

Lindsay Lohan is determined to return to the top of the Hollywood A-list.

In an interview with Vanity Fair conducted prior to her incarceration, Lohan tells the magazine that she’s willing to do whatever it takes.

“I want my career back. I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies. And if that takes not going out to a club at night, then so be it. It’s not fun anyway.”

“I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress. … And I know that in my past I was young and irresponsible — but that’s what growing up is. You learn from your mistakes,” she says.

The actress also defends herself against rumors that she is an alcoholic. “If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking — so that says something, because I was fine,” she explains.

“I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have — never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done — to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, OK, ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”

Shit, I must be hallucinating, because for some reason I thought that they put SCRAM bracelets on because you have a problem with alcohol. And I’m so relieved to know that she never abused prescription drugs and has no desire to, because illegal drugs are the way to go. You don’t have to bother with trying to find a doctor who will give you a fake prescription. That shit is tiresome. Also, excuse me, but did she just fast forward like, 10 years or something? I know she has the face of a 30-something, but I seem to remember her getting in trouble for her drug/alcohol shenanigans pretty damn recently. She makes it sound like she was “dabbling”, as she calls it, when she was filming The Parent Trap, for pete’s sake.

Yes, this is what she wore to court on Monday:

Disaster was averted this past Friday by a heroic pair of underpants when Paris Hilton’s Cave of Horrors tried to unleash its curse upon an unsuspecting nightclub crowd in France. No one was hurt, but unfortunately the brave wisp of fabric was badly burned in the fray as it blocked the malodorous, caustic fumes from spreading.

Paris, Nicky Hilton and Doug Reinhard killing the last 3 brain cells they collectively share:

It’s a first rule of overcoming addiction to stay away from places and people that would tempt you to fall into old habits. But Lindsay Lohan apparently knows better than this silly bit of advice, because here she is leaving Teddy’s Nightclub in Hollywood last night. Maybe she’s hoping to get a second-hand buzz off inhaling everyone’s boozy belches or something.  Throw in guzzling down mass quantities of her favorite .5% alcohol tea Kombucha, and she’s all set on the road to recovery! Why someone hasn’t picked this girl up to lead an AA meeting is beyond me.

Posing with her tea and leaving the club:

Happy Friday, bitches! But if you’re like me and Amy Winehouse, every day is Friday. Here’s Amy sloshing around town looking clean and sober. By which I really mean that she looks like the type of people who ride the bus around here. You know, the kind that smell like pee and swat at hallucinations while mumbling something about “I told the squirrel I don’t like to fly”.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed guzzling Raw Organic Kombucha Botanic No 3 Tea during her 10-hour hair appointment in Beverly Hills yesterday, and everybody’s all concerned because the tea might not be court-sanctioned. TMZ says

Lindsay was pounding Kombucha — a fermented tea that claims several health benefits [including] “restoring healthy balance to the body.”

Due to the fermentation, the tea contains a trace amount of alcohol (0.5%).

BFD, except it might be part of Lindsay’s master plan to drink on the sly by providing a legitimate beverage scapegoat when the SCRAM device goes off. Us Magazine says

Being shackled with an alcohol-monitoring anklet doesn’t mean Lindsay Lohan won’t try to tipple.

A source says the actress, 23, claimed she [used] a paperclip to jam the signal [and] “put tea tree oil on to fool it.”

Says a Pasadena Recovery Center [counselor], “Addicts will use anything with alcohol to set it off, so they can say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t drinking. It’s my perfume!’”

Or, “Oh, I wasn’t drinking — it’s just my organic Chinese cleansing tea! Of which my consumption has been widely documented! By numerous paparazzi agencies not affiliated with my legal defense!” And if that doesn’t work, she can always claim it was her Bartles & Jaymes bath beads and Bacardi Black body splash.

Noah Cyrus, ten-year-old sister of Miley Cyrus, has been on this site twice, both times for being creepy and disturbing (once for dressing like a child prostitute and once for appearing in a YouTube video singing and dancing to Akon’s “Smack That”). Not satisfied with freaking people out by acting like a preteen whore, Noah has moved on to singing about alcoholic partying, appearing in a YouTube video lip-synching (poorly) to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” with an unidentified man.

This is creepy for many reasons, most of which involve the fact that this kid is TEN YEARS OLD.  She should not be singing about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, trying to get a little tipsy, having plenty of beer, or getting crunk and having boys try to touch her junk.  SHE’S TEN.  Even in the Cyrus family, that shit can wait until she’s at least 12.

In other news, holy hell this is one unfortunate looking kid, huh?  Miley’s kinda homely herself, but DAYUM her little sister is fug.  And that’s some serious Hermione Granger hair she’s got going on.  Your family’s got millions, kid.  I think maybe they’d buy you a brush if you asked nicely.

Mariah Carey was already shitfaced last night when she arrived at One Little West 12th in the wee hours of the morning to guzzle champagne with her entourage. Page Six says

According to a witness, Carey showed up to the restaurant at “1:30 a.m. and was quite out of it. When she exited her black Maybach, she tripped twice and had to grab hold of one of her guards so she wouldn’t fall. She ordered a bottle of champagne but she could barely speak.”

A source close to the singer tells Page Six, “She was probably wobbly because she was wearing 7-inch Louboutins. That’s tough to do.”

Yep, that’s it. Her feet were tired. Just like that time my head was tired and the cops tried to tell me I had blacked out and faceplanted on the sidewalk. Drunk and disorderly my ass! My head just needed a little rest was all. I’m pretty sure I had used it for a lot of thinking and stuff that day.

Everybody knows John Mayer is a useless douchebag with an unquenchable thirst for attention, but the stupidity of this is just mind boggling.  Mayer and some random idiot “reality star” friend of his named Rob Dyrdek got wasted and then Twittered their way up their own asses.  From People:

A night of hard partying landed John Mayer in the deejay booth and pal Rob Dyrdek in the hospital … or did it?

The two began the night at Hollywood hot spot My House, where they were seen sharing Corzo tequila shots straight out of the bottle before Mayer launched into an impromptu show.

But the night ended with the two stumbling out of the club and, according to Mayer’s Twitter, to a hospital: “In triage at Cedars with @Robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into applause.”

This would’ve been a way better story if John Mayer had died of alcohol poisoning or somehow been eaten alive by bullet ants, but I guess nobody likes getting their stomach pumped so this would probably be sad or whatever for the friend.  That is, if a single word of it were true:

“It was fake, they were just having fun and screwing around for publicity,” a source tells PEOPLE. The skateboarder/reality star was up and running the next day, Tweeting: “A funny night out with @johncmayer.”

I literally don’t know who the hell you are, Rob Dyrdek, but I hate you already.  Clearly there are things wrong with you since you’re even friends with John Mayer in the first place, but c’mon, a pretend alcohol related hospital visit?  For attention?  The fuck are you guys, a pair of 14-year-old secret cutter girls in a goddamn Lifetime movie?