After fourteen years and two children together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly calling it quits. People Magazine says:

Multiple sources [claim] that the relationship is all but officially finished.

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.

In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

Man, that IS sad. But you know what isn’t sad? Behind-the-scenes pictures from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But then you know what’s sad again? The pictures are slightly out-of-focus because some faggot at GQ thought he was being “artsy.” I don’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can stand.

Lily Aldridge, Candice Swanepoel, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes and Isabel Goulart in the February issue of GQ:

In a new interview with Australia’s 60 Minutes, 47-year-old Brad Pitt revealed that he will be retiring from acting at the ripe old age of 50. Us Magazine says:

“[I'm going to retire in] three years,” he says, explaining, “I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together… getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise.”

The star is less definitive about expanding his brood of six kids with love Angelina Jolie. “You know, I don’t know that we’re finished,” he tells 60 Minutes of conceiving (or adopting) more kids to join Maddox, 10, Pax, 7, Zahara, 6, Shiloh, 5, and Vivienne and Knox, 3.

The star also had an unusual answer when asked if he’s happy these days. “I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do,” he says. “I think sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re not. There’s too much pressure to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t really give a [shit]. I know I will be at times and I know I won’t be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself.”

Hey, you know who isn’t retiring? Alessandra Ambrosio. And wouldn’t you know, I just happen to have these pictures of her in her bra and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last week. What a relevant and fortuitous turn of events!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Alessandra Ambrosio is definitely selling something in this shoot — denim, maybe, or possibly beer or men’s deodorant — but one thing that she’s not hawking is a bra. Because she’s not wearing one. I’ll be honest, that’s about as far as I got.

I figure it takes the power of TWO Victoria’s Secret models to purge the image of a Lady Gaga double nipslip from your mind, so here are Miranda Kerr and Alessandra Ambrosio in all of their incomparable glory at the CFDAs last night. If I could find a way to morph them into an aqueous solution and inject them directly into your brain, I would, but it seems that technology hasn’t been invented yet. And their handlers get all kinds of huffy if you even attempt to harness their DNA in the name of scientific research, even if you’re wearing a lab coat and making beeping sounds like a robot.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The latest Victoria’s Secret’s catalog came in the mail today, and if you’re wondering if I lovingly stroked it and slow-motion kissed it and then danced with it to “Three Times a Lady” in the pouring rain, the answer is no. It was actually Journey’s “Faithfully.”

Alessandra Ambrosio working her magic:

I get that Victoria’s Secret is more than just lingerie, but putting clothes on Alessandra Ambrosio just seems like a fucking waste. It’s like covering the Mona Lisa with dog hair.

New shoot from the Summer 2011 VS clothing line:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson was supposed to do this maritime explorer-themed shoot instead of Alessandra Ambrosio, but the folks at GQ Brazil couldn’t get her near a harpoon without her erupting into a series of loud clicks and low-frequency humming in an attempt to warn away the rest of her pod.

What do you give a girl like Alessandra Ambrosio for Valentine’s Day? My gut says “a hand-drawn Digimon character of my own design, complete with all of its evolutions,” but my heart says “a cut-and-paste letter made from her discarded mail and human hair.” Oh, who am I kidding? I think we all know I’m just gonna wind up doing them both. I’m nothing if not a hopeless romantic!

Sprechen sie boobies:

Only Katy Perry would have the gall to think she belonged in a corset at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Next to Alessandra Ambrosio and Selita Ebanks, she might as well be Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Those poor unfortunate souls!

Alessandra Ambrosio here, plus more Katy Perry, Lily Aldridge, Selita Ebanks, Isabeli Fontana, and Isabel Goulart after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Alessandra Ambrosio temporarily levitated while on a bikini shoot in St. Barth’s yesterday, which leads me to believe that underneath all that hotness, she may secretly be a superhero. Or at the very least, a mutant. Or maybe even… a mutant superhero. You know, like the X-Men? I don’t know what happens next. This is usually the part of the dream where I wake up in a wet spot.

More pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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You’ll get your choice of models Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Alessandra Ambrosio, Kelly Brook, or Gisele Bundchen on the cover of your #4 issue of Love magazine when they launch their new (free!) iPad app next week. Editor-in-Chief Katie Grand says:

“As the printed page becomes more valuable as a home for iconic images, we wanted to seize the moment to play with iPads and see what we could create for this technological magical wonderment box.”

I have no idea what the hell she just said, but they had me at “magical wonderment box.” It just sounds so much nicer than the word “pussy.” Well-played, Love magazine!

UPDATE: Now with hot Sienna Miller action!

Alessandra Ambrosio was in St. Barth’s, France yesterday for another Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog shoot, and… really, do you need any more words than that? Masturbating isn’t supposed to be that cerebral, you know.

More sexy pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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