I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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In classical mythology, ambrosia was the nectar of the gods that begat immortality to anyone who drank it. It stands to reason that Ambrosio must be the stuff that comes out when one of the gods ejaculates perfection, because Alessandra Ambrosio is positively divine. Sure as hell beats someone eating your mother in fly form and then taking an ax to his head to give birth to you. That’s right, Minerva and her suit of armor can suck it!

Bikini shoot in St. Barths:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Here’s a bunch of pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio (not) eating the same piece of cake for the launch of “Velvet-The Fragrance” at Victoria’s Secret in NYC.  After all, you don’t get to be a Victoria’s Secret model by eating, you know! You DO get to be a female sumo wrestler though. Ask me how!

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital yesterday after “being mauled by his own clinically depressed pet dog.” No, not this thing. That’s a Bull Mastiff. This. The eight pound hamster with the bow on its head. The Daily Mail

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants. The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making ‘vicious, unprovoked attacks’, Chirac’s wife Bernadette said.

Jesus, no wonder France gets its ass handed to it on a regular basis. The only way this story could be any gayer is if it suddenly started menstruating and asked you if those pants made its butt look big.

The only known antidote to this kind of gayness, Alessandra Ambrosio:

It’s hard to believe that Victoria’s Secret angel Alessandra Ambrosio just had a baby. Just like it’s hard to believe that I could insert my whole fist into my mouth without the aid of lubricant and a horse speculum. But like French mathematician Blaise Pascal once said, “You always admire what you really don’t understand.” It’s okay if you just want to worship us from afar.

Shooting at Nikki beach, St Barth:

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority:

The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!

Oh, look.  Here are Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Karolina Kurkova, and Marisa Miller.  They’re doing some sort of bikini shoot for Victoria’s Secret.  I’m not sure where they are.  Admittedly, it would involve minimal effort on my part to find out, but who are we kidding here?  No one cares where they are.  No one even gives half a shit about Victoria’s Secret, except for the fact that their corporate motto is “Boobs are Awesome!  Yay Boobs!”