You probably wanted more intimate details about Lindsay Lohan’s cavortings in Capri with that slew of men last week. Lucky for you, one of the dudes she banged is looking for a little exposure for his crappy band and was more than happy to sell the sordid tale to British tabloid News of the Word. Alessandro diNunzio told the mag

When I went outside for a cigarette, she followed. She just kept staring at me. She kept telling me she liked me because I was “a good boy.” All of a sudden, she pressed up close… and asked if she could kiss me. She didn’t care who was watching.

Go on…

[We] went back to her hotel… [and] she stripped off completely naked, without any embarrassment at all. Lindsay was very, very good and surprisingly experienced.

Wait — did he just say “surprisingly?” Ha ha! Italians! So witty. Okay, continue:

She wanted to do everything, every position. She was extremely flexible and adventurous.I took off my clothes and we started to make love. It was very passionate and intense and lasted for 1 hours, maybe more.

Then what? Flowers and moonlit walks? Breakfast in bed and seaside frolicking? Unbearable burning and RU-486?

“She told me, ‘Bye, I’ll call you.’ [The next day she sent me a text message saying] she wanted… me to show her around.” But she failed to turn up, saying she had a sprained ankle. He then discovered he had not been the only object of Lindsay’s affections at the festival. She was caught snogging Italian actor Eduardo Costa at her hotel a few hours before making love to Alessandro. And soon after he left her bed, she was smooching with long-haired local thespian Dario Faiella. She spent the next two nights with him.

It’s safe to say that nothing is safe from this girl’s vagina. It’s like some kind of venus fly trap, except only for penises. A venus penis trap¹, if you will.² God forbid you ever try to pass the time with her with a innocent game of “Would You Rather.” You’d find her the next morning taking it up the butt from Oswald Cobblepot while deep-throating a fire hydrant and jerking off Meatloaf. She’d pester you for weeks for more of your “great ideas.”

¹_{Funny because it rhymes!}

²_{And I will.}

Lindsay with the only man immune to her puss — Daddy — at JFK airport on Friday: