I already told you about this four months ago, but it’s finally being confirmed — Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are dating. Page Six says

The blond actress was photographed at Friday’s game, cheering on the Bronx Bombers at the new Yankee Stadium.

But the real action came later that night at Mustang Grill on Second Avenue… [when a] bartender at the Southwestern joint “[asked] patrons not to go in the back room around 1 a.m. because A-Rod and Kate Hudson were back there making out.”

One staffer at the restaurant confirmed the two were there celebrating… although she did not witness any lip-lock herself.

The two were [also] spotted over the weekend outside the glamorous 15 Central Park West, where A-Rod rents an apartment.

For the record, making out with a guy in the back of a bar does NOT mean you’re dating him. It just means he picked up the tab. Am I right, ladies?

At the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month:

Madonna’s affairs with 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz and whoremonger Alex Rodriguez may have squelched any chances of her adopting another child from Malawi. According to the NY Daily News

A senior official from Malawi’s Ministry of Women and Child Welfare Development… said morality plays a big part in the adoption process [in Malawi].

He said, “Madonna’s relationships may negatively affect the adoption of [ 3-year-old Mercy James]. The news she is linked to another woman’s husband and a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.”

Well, I’m glad something finally tipped them off that Madonna wasn’t exactly a saint. You’d think the book of Sex pictures and the Penthouse spread might have sent up a few red flags before, but remember, this is Africa we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure the printed word is still a myth over there, much like “democracy” and “condoms.”

With Gwyneth Paltrow at the afterparty for the premiere of ‘Valentino: The Last Emperor’ last week:

If there’s one thing NY Yankee Alex Rodriguez can’t pass up — other than a syringe full of testosterone, that is — it’s a good tranny whore. Kristin Davis, the she-male Manhattan madam who supplied disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer with hookers, claims A-Rod was her loyal customer over a span of several years. The NY Daily News says

Davis met Rodriguez in June of 2006 in a gym in Philadelphia, shortly after she opened a branch of her call-girl service [there].

Davis told a friend the then-married Rodriguez asked her, “What are you doing tonight?”

“I said, ‘I’m having dinner with my boyfriend. But if you’re looking for someone to hang out with, here’s a number.’ I gave him my agency’s card.”

That night, Davis told a friend, Rodriguez booked a two-hour “date” with one of her girls. Rodriguez soon became a repeat customer of one of Davis’ three Manhattan agencies. Two former employees said [that] A-Rod hired prostitutes more than a half-dozen times, often meeting them at the Four Seasons hotel on W. 57th St.

An an an e-mail exchange between Kristin and A-Rod provided by a former booker for Wicked Models proves that Rodriguez then began dating the madam while he was still married:

Rodriguez: “Thanks for setting me up with Samantha. She was gorgeous. But she is not you. When can I see you you are gorgeous . . .”

Davis: “Hi Alex. You don’t want to see me. I’m no fun. lol. Just because your (sic) so sweet, here are some pics of me and I appreciate the compliments. Your (sic) a doll. Thanks, Kristin”

Rodriguez: “You have been playing hard to get for a year now, your (sic) killing me.”

Davis: “It’s not playing I am hard to get. Maybe you should try harder.”

Rodriguez: “Kristin, I definitely will and I love the pics. I put the one on my cell so I can look at you all the time. Alex.”

Davis: “You are too sweet. I’ll let you know when I get someone you like.”

Rodriguez: “My sexy blonde girl. When can I see you again? I am addicted to you. Did you get the flowers I sent?”

Rodriguez’ persistence is said to have paid off with the buxom, 32-year-old Davis. Though Davis’ agencies typically charged clients more than $1,000 an hour, Davis told a friend: “Alex didn’t pay me… I went out with him just because he was so flattering. I couldn’t not give in.”

Davis told a friend she and Rodriguez grew apart “when he found out I had a new boyfriend. He got upset. What was I supposed to do? He was married.”

Well, you know what they say about dipping your “pen” in the “company ink” — you can dip all you want, but that don’t mean you can use your wiener to sign a check. People get all “freaked out” when you do. Definitely something to think about, Alex.

Now that Madonna isn’t as interested in him anymore, Yankee star Alex Rodriguez is moving on to greener pastures. Or at least less gristly, placenta-scented pastures. According to Page Six

Last week he took Kate Hudson out on a date. Our spy says they had a three-hour meal at the Lure Fishbar… and were “very cozy.” Later, A-Rod went with Hudson to the Rose Bar, where they met up with her friend Ron Burkle.

I don’t know how A-Rod will handle dating a woman who couldn’t beat him in an arm-wrestling contest. For Chrissake, his ex-wife looked like Juggernaut with breast implants and a cheap wig, and Madonna could easily pass for the She-Hulk. And I know what you’re thinking here: why hasn’t there been a Juggernaut vs. the She-Hulk in any of the Marvel comic books? And to that I would credit the failure of the Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk comic book miniseries, in which Wolverine is contracted by Nick Fury to assassinate the Hulk between Ultimate X-Men issues 69 and 71 and before Ultimates 2 issue 11. There was supposed to be one new major Ultimate character introduced (rumor has it it was Ultimate She-Hulk), but after only two issues, the series was canked, thereby taking with it any chances for a Juggernaut vs. She-Hulk epic battle. So there you have it. And for the record, I did have sex with an actual man that one time, no matter what the guys in my Jedi Council forum might have told you. Trust them do not, for liars they are!

At the People’s Choice Awards last week:

Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says

Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.

I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims

Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”

The Daily Mail adds

Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.

The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:

‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’

Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’

Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!

Now that Madonna’s officially divorcing husband Guy Ritchie, she’s rekindling her affair with baseball star Alex Rodriguez. Us Weekly reports

A source close to the singer [says that] she and the New York Yankees slugger “are definitely romantic. [They] are more involved than ever… [but Madonna] has agreed to be discreet about [their] relationship until her tour ends.”

Last time I checked, “being romantic” didn’t mean “jerking each other off with creatine and Weight Gain Fuel 3000,” but I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I’ve been off the dating scene for a couple of years now. Back when I was playing the field, being romantic meant “doing it doggy-style so I didn’t aspirate my own vomit” and “force-feeding me RU-486 once I blacked out.” Times sure have changed since I was a freshman!

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce rumors have buzzing for months now, but it finally looks like the couple has shoved the barrel in the metaphorical mouth of their marriage and pulled the trigger. TMZ says

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing, their rep has confirmed.

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,” says a statement given to the AP.

A quick, clean shot to the back of the relationship throat is definitely the best way to go. So much more efficient than, say, beating the relationship with a shovel and dousing it with kerosene and lighting it on fire in the back of an abandoned car you drive over a cliff, or “making a sex tape with his father” as it’s technically listed in our divorce proceeding.

Now that Alex Rodriguez’ divorce has been finalized, he’s finally free to pursue his “soul mate” Madonna. Or at least challenge her to an arm wrestling contest. My money’s on ol’ Madge! Us Weekly says

Madonna and New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez took in a cozy dinner for two at Dos Caminos Third Avenue on Tuesday.They pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back.

“They seemed very close,” a source told Us.

I’m fairly certain that a woman is only supposed to look like that right before she sheds her human form to find a new host. That A-Rod is one lucky guy!

Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star

[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.

Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.

Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”

Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

Madonna issued the following statement in response:

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”

Madonna would do well to remember the words of François de la Rochefoucauld: “The sure way to be cheated is to think one’s self more cunning than others.” Another good way to wind up cheated? “Being an self-righteous old cunt who doesn’t know when to shut her stupid fucking pie hole already.” That’s a lesser known author, Abby, circa 2008. You know, if any of you want to make it your tag line or senior quote or something.

The NY Daily News is reporting that Yankee star Alex Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia (pictured above), have split after about three months of marital “problems.” It seems that A-Rod isn’t the only one whoring around here lately — according to Us Weekly, Alex Rodriguez’s wife has been nailing singer Lenny Kravitz. The magazine says

Kravitz and Rodriguez’s wife Cynthia have been “spending cozy time” in Paris for at least the past four days. Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez – who wed in 2002 and have two young daughters – attended NBC’s New Year’s Eve 2008 party where Kravitz performed.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave! And no, I’m not talking about Britney Spears’ hair extensions. It’s a metaphor for complexities that sprout from a single lie. I tried to find a better metaphor about a labyrinth made of out orifices and wieners, but it turns out there aren’t any out there. That’s why I made one up. “The shenanigans of those who ho, make a relationship Sloppy Joe.” See, because it’s messy? Yeah? Well, okay then. Fuck you.

Now that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie is virtually over, the Material Girl Senior Citizen has been playing late-night “bury the bat” with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. According to Us Weekly

$28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, [sneaking] out “as late as midnight.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

If it weren’t for baseball, A-Rod would be serving as a drug mule for a Colombian cartel or playing pimp to a bunch of underage prostitutes back in the Dominican Republic. Now he’s banging one of the richest women in the world and making millions of dollars for hitting a fucking ball with a stick, while me and my college education teeter right above poverty level. Somewhere, the U.S. Department of Education is pulling down my pants and taunting me, I just know it.