Here’s Lindsay Lohan and little sister Ali Lohan at LAX. Is Lindsay afraid that she’ll have to make a sudden ditch from the aircraft? I don’t know why else she’d be wearing a fancified flight suit. Maybe that red thing she’s holding is her parachute. Hopefully Ali cut some holes in it for the culmination of her master plan to outshine and replace her big sister’s slut star with her own. Why she’s dressed like she’s taking a ride back to 1994 is beyond me, though.
From the neck up, Ali Lohan looks like she’s pushing 35, which means posting pictures of her 15-year old body in a bikini for you to ogle isn’t necessarily wrong. My court-ordered therapist would use words like “morally questionable” and “gray area,” whereas I would say something like “legally scot-free, so knock yourselves out, perverts.” I’ve never been one to get hung up on semantics.
Mother’s Day is just about a month away, and clearly Dina Lohan is itching to show the world at large what a model parent she is:
When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.
“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.
“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.
You know, I would like to meet Dina Lohan one day. I would like to sit down with her at a quaint sidewalk cafe and ask her, “God, lady, why are you so crazy?”, and then I’d like to push her into oncoming traffic. It’ll be super fun. For me, at least.
Ali Lohan posed for Jonathan Ressler’s ‘Extraordinary Women Exhibit’ in Times Square yesterday, presumably right next to a train station where a grieved watchmaker had built a clock that ran backwards. She looks like she could be 30 years old, and she’s only fourteen. Soft cheeses don’t age that fast.
Ali Lohan and mom Dina arrived at the Animal Fair magazine Halloween Pet Costume Contest yesterday looking like a couple of forty-something cocktail waitresses who just got off the night shift at the local strip club. Ali was in a costume, my guess as “Barb Wire” or “Former Chippendale,” but The Sun says differently:
The 14-year-old turned up in a strangely half-hearted kitten outfit — skintight black leggings, a midriff revealing top and a sheer white top. Her outfit was topped off with a pair of cat’s ears and for some reason, a bow tie.
A kitten! Riiight. Because cats are big into mesh and cheesy tattoos and suffer from premature aging and low self-esteem. Just another visible reminder of why you should spay or neuter them. Or, you know, at least hold their head underwater until they stop making shitty pop albums.
Ali Lohan raised some eyebrows Sunday night when she showed up to a Jonas Brothers concert with a brand new rack, a blossoming strangely reminiscent of the same miraculous three-cup-sizes-overnight big sis Lindsay had at the ripe old age of 17. Us Weekly says
The young star of Living Lohan flaunted what looked like overnight curves at a Jonas Brothers concert in East Hampton, NY on August 9. Just three months earlier, a flatter Lohan hit Fuse for a taping of The Sauce in NYC.
Lindsay is, of course, shocked and outraged by the plastic surgery accusations, writing on her MySpace
“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…. Did you really just ask me about my [sister's implants]? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile! My mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body.”
The pedophile accusation brings up an interesting point of debate: are we, the internet masses, at fault for the hyper-sexualization of teenage celebrities, or are the ‘tween queens facilitating their own objectification? And — more importantly — should Dina Lohan be referred to as “pimp,” or “devil’s dark minion?” I’m only asking because I need to know how to address the Christmas card this year. For some reason, this month’s issue of “Barely Legal” doesn’t specify.
Everyone’s buzzing about CNN anchor Anderson Cooper’s comments about the Lohan family on “Live with Regis & Kelly” yesterday morning, mostly because he burned the hell out of them. Cooper said
“‘Living Lohan’ is just a train wreck, and I watched it for a while. And I finally said to myself, ‘I cannot believe I am wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people. There’s this perfectly nice, allegedly a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60… I say that with concern and love. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, i don’t know.’”
Dina Lohan was, of course, outraged enough to contact the tabloids. Not CNN, not Anderson Cooper, not “Live with Regis and Kelly,” but the tabloids. She told OK! Magazine
“People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him.”
And Cooper mentioned her OK interview on his show 360 last night, saying
She probably didn’t even see [the 'Regis and Kelly clip] live because she was out clubbing, and you know, it’s on early in the morning, so she’s probably rolling home.
Sorry, but Dina Lohan just got schooled, owned, served and brought. All that’s missing is the front handspring round-off full-twisting layout at Nationals.
In an attempt to get Ali Lohan’s movie career rolling, mother Dina sent her 14-year-old daughter to a meet-and-greet with a porn producer. According to MSNBC
In [last Sunday's] episode [of "Living Lohan,"] Ali appears at a casting call for a role in the upcoming horror flick “Troll.” One of the men [she interviewed with while she was there] was Peter Davy — the man-behind-the-cam on “Breast Wishes 14,” “Texas Crude” and “Bun Sisters 12” — a fact that publicity-loving momager Dina was supposedly unaware of until TMZ broke the news.
Mama Lohan [is reportedly] steaming mad and “ready to roll heads,” about the mix-up.
There are certain types of hairless rats kill their young immediately after birth. Of course, they kill because of the same genetic anomaly that makes them hairless also makes them unable to lactate. Dina Lohan doesn’t have any excuse.
Meet Michael Lohan’s bastard kid Ashley Kaufmann, the product of an affair with 44-year-old massage therapist Kristi Kaufmann back in 1995 when he and ex-wife Dina “were on a break.” But is she really his? The NY Daily News says
The resemblance is striking. From her freckles to her smile, Ashley certainly looks like a member of the Lohan family. “I’ve seen pictures and, to tell the truth, there are similarities with Linds,” Michael Lohan [said] last week.
[But] Lohan has gone so far as to say he will sue Kaufmann for libel and defamation if the [DNA] test results come back negative that he is Ashley’s father.
Well, I’d say chances are pretty good that she’s a Lohan, because she’s already pursuing a music career. According to MSNBC
Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal.
A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”
My mentally challenged cousin’s left testicle has more talent than Lindsay or Ali, so that’s not saying much. No, really. You should hear its rendition of “Ave Maria.” I think the only word to describe it is “stirring.” It doesn’t so much “sing” as get wiggled up and down while George screeches in butchered Italian with his pants down, but it’s still 95% more tolerable than another Lohan album. Some industry people are already looking into it.
Lindsay Lohan’s kid sister Ali really wants to be like her big sis. Although she’s only fourteen years old, Ali’s already gone under the knife, possibly on more than one occasion. Compare the above picture of her at the age of twelve and the picture of her taken two weeks ago. Sure, she’s still developing, but the way I remember it, hormones don’t make your lips bigger and your nose smaller. Nine MSN reports
Ali has made some big changes to her looks in an attempt to rival her older sister’s — her lips plumped with collagen, her freckles bleached away, and… contact lenses which change her brown eyes blue. There’s also been ongoing speculation that the teenager had a nose job last year.
If she wants to emulate Lindsay so badly, there are a lot less painful ways to do it. Replacing her toothbrush with a penis, for example. Switching from decaf to penis. Getting eight hours of penis a night. Instead of lip injections and a nose job, all Ali really needs is Fleet Week in New York and carton of Rough Riders.
