You can’t help but make a horrified WTF face when you see these pics of Lindsay Lohan’s 17-year-old sister Ali, because it’s obvious from the photos that she’s completely butchered her face. Yet in spite of the lips and cheeks bulging with dermal fillers and the disproportionate chin and cheekbones, her agents are still denying she’s had anything done. Her modeling agency director told E! News (via the Daily Mail):

“Contrary to recent reports, I can confirm that Aliana Lohan has not had any surgery.

As a young girl who is growing up, it’s natural for her facial features to change slightly, and we see this with many of the younger models we represent.

Aliana is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who is growing into her face and body, as is the norm for someone of her age.”

Sorry, there is nothing “norm” about that, unless she grows by molting her skin like some kind of crustacean. It looks like somebody filed down the edges of Lady Gaga’s prosthetic alien face and stuck on a pair of Mr. Potato Head’s eyebrows.

Lindsay Lohan’s kid sister Ali Lohan is the new T&A face of Lindsay’s 6126 clothing line, but some have already deemed her ads too risque for a sixteen year-old girl. The Daily Mail says:

Lindsay Lohan’s little sister has shocked fans [by wearing] a cleavage-baring red frock and a see-through dress bearing her bra and underwear [while] kneeling down in stiletto heels.

The line is inspired by Marilyn Monroe and ‘salutes modern women who understand that confidence can be bewitching and classic sophistication is always in vogue’.

I get all the confidence I need from my deodorant. And last time I checked, knee pads didn’t fall under the umbrella of “classic sophistication.” Maybe what she meant to say was “ass-end copulation.” Big words never really were Lindsay’s forte.

Despite claims that daughter Lindsay Lohan is getting preferential treatment, stellar mom Dina Lohan says that’s not so. Explains Popeater,

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on,” Dina told RadarOnline.com yesterday. “I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker, but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

That said, Dina did admit that the guards and inmates have been “pretty cool” to Lindsay.

“We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close,” Dina told Radar. “When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

I suppose it does seem like unfair treatment when you think you’re above traditional conventions like being expected to pay for stuff, so why should her precious princess have to serve time just like everyone else? Lindsay has made some piss-poor decisions on her own, but with an epic failure of a mother like Dina, being a trainwreck with an over-inflated sense of entitlement was a shoo-in.

Dina and Ali Lohan visiting Lindsay. Notice Ali doesn’t want her picture taken, but Dina doesn’t mind at all:

People always get weirded out when you start talking about a 14-year-old’s tits, but it’s not my fault Ali Lohan can’t find a bra. You’d think with party hat nipples like those she’d know better, but remember, she’s a Lohan. Undergarments are like garlic necklaces and a sterling crucifixes to them.

Judge Marsha Revel determined that Lindsay Lohan had no less than five probation violations after her SCRAM bracelet went off Sunday night, but Lindsay is arguing that her court-ordered alcohol-monitoring device is lying and just trying to frame her. I assume Lohan’s attorney was also advised to remove her shoelaces and belt upon entering the chambers. According to Radar Online:

The actress fired off a flurry of tweets saying “My scram wasn’t set off — It’s physically impossible considering I’ve nothing for it to go off.”

She [added], “I’m… working to get proof that I did not tamper with the bracelet or drink. These accusations are completely false.”

Lindsay’s attorney [said in a statement]: “Judge Revel was advised by a SCRAM representative that Ms. Lohan’s alcohol bracelet had indicated the presence of a small amount of alcohol on Sunday night. Ms. Lohan maintains that she has been in complete compliance with all of the terms of her probation and will continue to comply with all of Judge Revel’s orders.”

In other news, Lindsay posed for a Jason McDonald shoot with her kid (?) sister Ali and somehow wound up with her top off. Funny, I always thought that was more of an Arkansas and West Virginia kinda thing.

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael and two armed police officers barged into her L.A. apartment yesterday as part of an intervention and welfare check at Michael’s request on his youngest daughter, Ali, who has been staying with Lindsay for the last two weeks. Thanks, California tax payers! That’s your tax dollars hard at work right there. Us Magazine says

Michael [says] that he was worried about Ali after hearing she drove home “at 115 miles an hour” from the Coachella music festival this weekend with Lindsay.

“I went to the police department concerned about Ali’s welfare,” Michael says. “I wanted to check on Ali. I want to make sure she’s OK. She’s 16 and she doesn’t belong there! She’s a minor. Ali is being exposed to nightlife and the people Lindsay is surrounding herself with,” Michael continues.

Michael says he’s meeting with Lindsay’s attorney’s today to consider getting a conservatorship, similar to Britney Spears and Jamie Spears.

But of course mom Dina Lohan has to get her two coked-out cents in, telling the media that Michael didn’t even recognize his younger daughter upon entering the apartment. According to Radar Online

“Michael walked into the apartment looked right at Ali and said, I’m looking for my daughter Ali, is she here?” Dina [said].

“That’s from Ali’s lips to God’s ears. He didn’t even recognize his own daughter. That’s what she told me he said when he walked in there and saw her.”

“I’m petrified for my girls and their safety. My girls are so afraid of him, I’ve had an order of protection place since 2005. They are so afraid for their lives. My ex-husband is dangerous.”

I’m pretty sure that nothing from a Lohan’s lips ever makes it to God’s ears, but don’t try telling her that. And besides, who needs God when you’ve got Twitter, right? Lindsay tweeted:

i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister’s safety, as well as my own, “my ex-dad” just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil’s advocate with officers.

my BUILDING didn’t STOP him, isn’t it supposed to be safe? it coulda been FAKE cops! dressed up!when will it ever end… it’s been going on my whole life with him-hasn’t he caused enough pain ?

the only one in need of police protection here is ME AND ALI from our pathological, lying ex-father!

my mother is AMAZING! not ANYTHING like what Michael is saying. W/out her, i wouldn’t of been able to follow my dreams and be as strong as i am today.

my friend @lianalevi doesn’t drive 100mph!! my dad is the one who drove into a telephone pole!!!! hello! i’m not up ALL NIGHT!!! stop lying!

at least i can laugh at my ex-con father anyone care to join in on the laughter avec moi?? hehe

pathological liar- a person who lies to the point of it being considered a disease or condition, an abnormally habitual liar = MY FATHER

I’m not surprised he didn’t recognize Ali, because since she’s started hanging around with Lindsay, she looks like a 35-year old divorcee with gout. All I know is if the military could somehow get its hands on whatever toxic forcefield it is that Lindsay Lohan creates, we’d have a bioweapon so powerful that all our enemies would once again fear us. We might not be able to nuke you, but we’ve still got Lindsay Lohan and her poison vagina! Mwah ha ha ha!

Howdy y’all, it’s 2010!  Welcome to the future, bitches.  It’s Sarah, and I’m sorry to inform you that Abby’s been chained up in Mariah Carey’s basement unavoidably detained, and y’all are stuck with me until February.  Don’t fret though, pets.  She’ll be back in time for Valentine’s Day, so you’ll still be able to pretend you have a girlfriend again this year.

Oh hey, speaking of delusional lunatics, Lindsay Lohan spouted a bunch of New Year’s nonsense on her Twitter over the weekend.  From People:

Having said buh-bye to 2009, Lindsay Lohan is gearing up for a drama-free New Year.

“2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits [sic], and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? ” Lohan, 23, tweeted from St. Barts, where she’s been spending time onboard Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich’s yacht.

As Lohan vowed on her Twitter page, “Starting my new year off with friends&family, the way it should be….. No boyfriends and the other drama.” Lohan’s message threw cold water on recent reports that have romantically linked her to DJ Jus-Ske and model Adam Senn.

While 2009 saw the actress sign a lucrative deal with fashion house Emanuel Ungaro, costar with Robert DeNiro in the film Machete and channel her humanitarian spirit by heading to India to meet with exploited children, she also had her fair share of drama: a very public split from deejay Samantha Ronson, countless rumors of random hookups and bad behavior, and in October, having a Beverly Hills judge extend her probation by a year.

Still, Lohan, won’t let the detractors get her. “To answer everybody’s question … My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down,” she Tweeted. “Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!)”

Yeah.  Sure.  Because nothing says “drama free” like LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!

Lindsay is currently in St. Barths with her sister, doing… some stuff.  Lounging around and shopping, apparently, which means her “vacation” is exactly like every other day of her life.  I’m pretty sure that at this point, the earth’s magnetic poles would actually reverse if this bitch ever got a real job for even one afternoon.

Clomping around in ridiculous shoes and then copping a squat in the Louis Vuitton store:

Here’s Lindsay Lohan and little sister Ali Lohan at LAX. Is Lindsay afraid that she’ll have to make a sudden ditch from the aircraft? I don’t know why else she’d be wearing a fancified flight suit. Maybe that red thing she’s holding is her parachute. Hopefully Ali cut some holes in it for the culmination of her master plan to outshine and replace her big sister’s slut star with her own. Why she’s dressed like she’s taking a ride back to 1994 is beyond me, though.

From the neck up, Ali Lohan looks like she’s pushing 35, which means posting pictures of her 15-year old body in a bikini for you to ogle isn’t necessarily wrong. My court-ordered therapist would use words like “morally questionable” and “gray area,” whereas I would say something like “legally scot-free, so knock yourselves out, perverts.” I’ve never been one to get hung up on semantics.

Mother’s Day is just about a month away, and clearly Dina Lohan is itching to show the world at large what a model parent she is:

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25, Us Weekly reports.

“Do you know who I am?” Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age.

“You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!” Lindsay added.

You know, I would like to meet Dina Lohan one day.  I would like to sit down with her at a quaint sidewalk cafe and ask her, “God, lady, why are you so crazy?”, and then I’d like to push her into oncoming traffic.  It’ll be super fun.  For me, at least.

Ali Lohan posed for Jonathan Ressler’s ‘Extraordinary Women Exhibit’ in Times Square yesterday, presumably right next to a train station where a grieved watchmaker had built a clock that ran backwards. She looks like she could be 30 years old, and she’s only fourteen. Soft cheeses don’t age that fast.

Ali Lohan and mom Dina arrived at the Animal Fair magazine Halloween Pet Costume Contest yesterday looking like a couple of forty-something cocktail waitresses who just got off the night shift at the local strip club. Ali was in a costume, my guess as “Barb Wire” or “Former Chippendale,” but The Sun says differently:

The 14-year-old turned up in a strangely half-hearted kitten outfit — skintight black leggings, a midriff revealing top and a sheer white top. Her outfit was topped off with a pair of cat’s ears and for some reason, a bow tie.

A kitten! Riiight. Because cats are big into mesh and cheesy tattoos and suffer from premature aging and low self-esteem. Just another visible reminder of why you should spay or neuter them. Or, you know, at least hold their head underwater until they stop making shitty pop albums.