Michael Jackson is alive and well and masquerading as a burn victim… at least according to a website that gets more than a million hits a day. Nine MSN says

According to the conspiracy theorists, Michael is masquerading as ‘Dave Dave,’ a 33-year-old burn victim who he befriended as a child.

MJ’s fans claim they have video evidence in the form of an interview Dave gave on Larry King last year. They say his voice and mannerisms are identical to Michael’s, and his eyes have changed from blue/green to brown. “There’s no doubt Michael Jackson is still alive. We have the evidence, now we want to let everyone know,” says a member of michaeljacksonhoaxforum.com.

Additionally, the MichaelJacksonHoaxForum.com administrator told The Sun:

“Michael Jackson attended Larry King Live on the day of the funeral disguised as Dave Dave.

The media told us two different stories. TMZ.com reported he died six minutes before the doctor pronounced him dead, and CNN kept telling us he was in a coma. What really happened still remains a mystery.”

If Michael Jackson is actually alive, he’s not going to go around pretending to be a damn burn victim. He can be anybody he wants to be, so why not pick something good? Like, say… and I’m just going out on a limb here — a pediatric urologist? I bet touching little boys’ wieners is waaay easier without constant media scrutiny and slings and arrows of public opinion. He’s finally free to live the life he always wanted!

The supposed “proof” (FF to the 2:17 mark) he’s Dave Dave:

Brooklyn Decker shooting scenes for Adam Sandler’s stupid new movie, because burn victims are kind of a boner-killer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Before you start your all-day-long in memorandum “Roadhouse” and “Point Break” marathons, let me be the first to tell you that Patrick Swayze is NOT Dead. His rep told Us Weekly

“This is to confirm that Patrick Swayze did not pass away this morning contrary to severely reckless reports stemming from a radio station in Jacksonville, Florida. Patrick Swayze is alive, well and is enjoying his life and he continues to respond to treatment.”

That’s great news. Really, who among us doesn’t love Patrick Swayze? And besides, having to talk about death today would have been a real downer, unless you’re an emo 14-year old with a faggy MySpace or a virgin-hungry jihadist-in-training. So instead of death, here are some pictures of super-hot Victoria’s Secret model Bar Rafaeli in next month’s Elle magazine. IL-Hamdu-Allah, baby!