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“The Voice” judge Cee Lo Green is under investigation by the LAPD after a woman filed a police report alleging he sexually assaulted her. TMZ says:

Detectives have already visited a restaurant in Downtown Los Angeles in connection with the case and questioned several employees, including the manager. We do not know if the alleged incident occurred at the restaurant.

The LAPD is mum on the identity of the alleged victim, when and where the incident allegedly occurred, and what Cee Lo allegedly did.

Cee Lo categorically denies ANY wrongdoing. In fact, the singer says he hasn’t been to the restaurant in question in 3 months … and insists, “Nothing ever happened there or anywhere else.”

We also spoke with a source who is constantly with Cee Lo … who tells us, “I have never seen Cee Lo act in a physical way toward anybody.”

Forget “acting in a physical way” toward anybody — I’ve never seen him act physical at all. Shuffling around a stage and spinning around in a chair is about all the cardio that guy’s getting. I bet what happened is that the waitress started to take his plate away before he was done eating and he instinctively snapped at her. Just to be safe next time, she should probably use one of those rubber hands on a stick on her first attempt to clear the table. That’s how we always did it with Grandpa, and Aunt Gladys was the only one who ever lost a finger.

Sofia Vergara in this month’s Allure is not Cee-Lo Green. You’re welcome again (get a sexy silk wrap dress like Sofia’s here from Paul & Joe):

38-year-old mother-of-four Heidi Klum gets naked for next month’s Allure, claiming never have succumbed to the lure of a surgeon’s knife. She tells the magazine:

“I’m proud to be able to say, in this day and age, I haven’t done anything. Everyone has a view of what’s not pretty and [plastic surgery] just doesn’t look pretty to me. Especially when I see it on really young girls.

I don’t want to name names, but it’s like, wow, I remember you five years ago, looking to me so beautiful, and now it’s like … who is this person? And I know girls half my age who do it. What are they gonna do at 40 or 50, when the shit really hits the fan?”

I can tell you exactly what they’re gonna do at 40 or 50 “when the shit hits the fan” and the slow wilt of age and gravity sets in — it’s called “mood elevators” and “wine.” Luckily, I’ve already gotten a preemptive head start on both. Not to mention all that human growth hormone I ordered off the internet!

I like the shipwrecked vibe that Allure gave Kim Kardashian in their latest issue, mainly because I’ve always wanted a nautical excuse to reference her poop deck. Now I can finally check that one off my list.

I can’t find a thing wrong with Salma Hayek’s magnificent rack on the cover of the September issue of Allure magazine, but she claims her girls are now past their prime. The Daily Mail says:

When [Allure] asked Salma whether any part of her body looked better ten years ago, the surprise response was: ‘My boobs’.

The Oscar nominated Mexican film actress, 44, added: ‘They’re not bad, by the way. I’m not complaining about them.’

I would usually say something snarky here, but my bitter tears appear to be shorting out the keyboard. Ungrateful bitch.

I’m usually not a fan of tree branches in girls’ hair, but Jessica Alba looks like some kind of ethereal wood nymph from Greek mythology in next month’s Allure magazine. Rowr. I just want to put on a pair of goat horns and chase her around the woods with a pan flute.

Outtakes and pics from the August 2011 issue:

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