38-year-old mother-of-four Heidi Klum gets naked for next month’s Allure, claiming never have succumbed to the lure of a surgeon’s knife. She tells the magazine:

“I’m proud to be able to say, in this day and age, I haven’t done anything. Everyone has a view of what’s not pretty and [plastic surgery] just doesn’t look pretty to me. Especially when I see it on really young girls.

I don’t want to name names, but it’s like, wow, I remember you five years ago, looking to me so beautiful, and now it’s like … who is this person? And I know girls half my age who do it. What are they gonna do at 40 or 50, when the shit really hits the fan?”

I can tell you exactly what they’re gonna do at 40 or 50 “when the shit hits the fan” and the slow wilt of age and gravity sets in — it’s called “mood elevators” and “wine.” Luckily, I’ve already gotten a preemptive head start on both. Not to mention all that human growth hormone I ordered off the internet!

I like the shipwrecked vibe that Allure gave Kim Kardashian in their latest issue, mainly because I’ve always wanted a nautical excuse to reference her poop deck. Now I can finally check that one off my list.

I can’t find a thing wrong with Salma Hayek’s magnificent rack on the cover of the September issue of Allure magazine, but she claims her girls are now past their prime. The Daily Mail says:

When [Allure] asked Salma whether any part of her body looked better ten years ago, the surprise response was: ‘My boobs’.

The Oscar nominated Mexican film actress, 44, added: ‘They’re not bad, by the way. I’m not complaining about them.’

I would usually say something snarky here, but my bitter tears appear to be shorting out the keyboard. Ungrateful bitch.

I’m usually not a fan of tree branches in girls’ hair, but Jessica Alba looks like some kind of ethereal wood nymph from Greek mythology in next month’s Allure magazine. Rowr. I just want to put on a pair of goat horns and chase her around the woods with a pan flute.

Outtakes and pics from the August 2011 issue:

High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale is one of four celebrities that get naked for Allure magazine’s annual Nude Issue, along with Keri Hilson, Kaley Cuoco, and Bridget Moynahan. This would be exciting news if any of these women were actually celebrities or actually showing any nakedness. Instead you get a chick who looks vaguely familiar covering her private parts and moaning about her body issues. Apparently Allure though you didn’t get enough of that crawling into bed every night with your wife.

No, this isn’t Jennifer Aniston’s Facebook profile pic — it’s part of her photoshoot for next month’s Allure magazine. Her actual Facebook profile pic is probably something much less creepy. Like a picture of her weeping onto a photo of Brad Pitt and drying the tears with her hair, for instance.

Because nothing says “desperate” like a 41-year old clutching a teddy bear:

PHOTO CREDIT: Allure

Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester talks sex, drugs and rock and roll in the January issue of Allure magazine. Us Weekly says:

“We had craaaazy parties — bands, an ice luge, a fire twirler,” the actress, 24, [says] of sharing a North Hollywood pad with a group of pals in her late teens.

“We would go out all the time,” she tells the mag. “I definitely got to have some experiences.”

One thing the singer isn’t a big fan [of: dating.]

“I don’t see the point in dating,” Meester tells Allure. “I hate it. [But] it’s definitely wonderful to… have sex.”

Long story short: she likes to booze it up and sleep around. So basically, her life reads just like my eHarmony profile. See, I have way more in common with celebrities than you think!

PHOTO CREDIT: Allure

Apparently having dark hair and heavy brows instantly gives you license to compare yourself to timeless silver screen icons, because Kim Kardashian claims to be channeling Sophia Loren in her photo shoot for next month’s Allure. The Daily Mail says:

Kim Kardashian has paid homage to one of her style icons, the curvaceous screen siren Sophia Loren, in a smoldering new photo shoot.

Wearing a balconette bra, the 29-year-old channels the Italian brunette in a series of poses for the latest issue of US magazine Allure.

“Smoldering” sure sounds a hell of a lot more sexy than her real-life “burning and itching.” Just like “glistening” sounds better than “oozing” and “glow” sounds better than “rash.” You spin it the right way, and VD almost sounds sexy again!

Perhaps it’s Mel Gibson tanking career that drove him to learn how to hypnotize people (you WILL watch my movie!), or maybe he’s just hoping he can get at any random woman’s sugartits. CelebrityFix reports,

Think twice before looking into his eyes ladies … because troubled Hollywood icon Mel Gibson is now a hypnotist.
The screen legend has been taught the power of suggestion and how to put people into a trance by a top Aussie expert. Rick Collingwood spent 10 days with Mel at the actor’s home in Los Angeles teaching him the skills.

Perth-based Rick, 52, who runs Australia’s largest hypnotism academy, said: “Mel’s a natural. He’s got the look and the patter – as well as piercing blue eyes. He’s going to be a great hypnotist.”

Father-of-one Rick, who has been a hypnotist since he was just 12 years old, is a friend of Mel’s brother, Chris. Through Chris, an introduction was set up and he and Mel have now become pals.

Rick said: “Mel’s brother Chris has been into NLP, neuro-linguistic programming, and hypnotism for a long time and he talked to Mel about it over the phone and Mel got interested, too.

“I was heading out to Los Angeles for work so Mel invited me over.

“I was with him for 10 days teaching him the technique. “He is very, very interested in it. He didn’t say he wanted to learn it for a specific reason. He was just curious.”

You don’t hire someone to spend 10 days in your home teaching you how to hypnotize people because you’re “just curious”. I kept on getting in trouble with DUI’s, eating other people’s lunches at work, “indecent exposure”, you know, little stuff like that, so I decided to hire a member of the Jedi Church to come out and teach me the ways of The Force so I could mindtrick people and shit. I even got myself a Jedi Knight Certificate , but when I tried to use my newfound powers on a cop who had me spread-eagled against his cruiser for possession of a narcotic, he just used the Vulcan nerve pinch on me. I’m getting my money back and join the Trekkies.

Pictures of Bar Rafaeli in July 2010 Allure, because you don’t want to see more pictures of Crazy Eyes:

Megan Fox addresses the blurry topless pic of her that was taken on a cell phone while she was filming “Passion Play” (photo here) in her interview in next month’s issue of Allure magazine. You’re sitting on the edge of your seat right now and trembling with anticipation, I know. MSNBC says

“If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm — physical harm,” Fox told Allure. “I’m not a fucking reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fucking picture taken all the time. I’m at my job and I’m trying to play a character and I’m trying to be serious, and this is the shit that’s happening to me. It makes me furious.”

But wait — there’s more:

As for industry events, Fox said, “Everyone blows sunshine up everyone else’s ass. I hate receiving compliments. I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced and fake.”

It feels fake because it IS fake. You’re a shitty actress that happens to have great plastic surgery. Congratu-fucking-lations. What gets me, though, is all this righteous indignation about that one stupid picture. It’s not like you see anything in the first place, A, and B, if she’s topless for the movie, we’re going to see that exact same fucking pic again, only higher-res and moving at 24 frames a second. Perhaps no one told her that when you’re topless for a movie, people see you topless. It’s a difficult concept to comprehend, on par with string theory and the concept of the space-time continuum.

In Allure (rows 1 and 2); with Brian Austin Green at a Lakers’ game this week (row 3):

PHOTO SOURCE: Allure, Pacific Coast News

Allure’s Annual Nude Issue is now on newsstands, which might be interesting if there were more than two chicks inside worth seeing naked. There’s not. Other than Catherine Zeta-Jones and Emmanuelle Chriqui, I’d never even heard of half these women. Even the names sound made up. Colbie Cailat? That might as well be a buddy brand cheese, the kind that poor people might wash down with a Dr. K cola and a bowl of Coco Roos. I haven’t been this disappointed since they canceled “The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer” and “Shasta McNasty.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Kara DioGuardi, Regina Hall, Colbie Caillat, and Jessica Capshaw:

Former Victoria’s Secret model Heidi Klum poses topless (there seems to be a lot of that going around these days) in next month’s issue of Allure magazine, presumably as a PSA for the cancer-combative benefits of wearing sunscreen. Despite the fact that more than 1 million cases of skin cancer are diagnosed in the United States every year, most people don’t wear enough, only applying 25 to 50 percent of the recommended amount, but from the looks of this picture, Heidi ought to be able to go sailing along the equator for two weeks straight in a boat made of mirrors and baby oil without ever feeling the effects of the sun’s UVA rays. Let’s all take a page from Heidi Klum and keep our nipples melanoma-free in 2010!