Jessica Simpson owned up to her many failures in an in-depth interview with next month’s Allure magazine. And although she’s crashed and burned in a manner only previously seen with Exxon oil tanker and an Alaskan coastline, we all know what’s important is that you learn from your mistakes when you fail. Right? Not if you’re a Simpson! The NY Daily News says

Asked what she has learned from her relationships with ex-hubby Nick Lachey, musician John Mayer and NFL star Tony Romo, Simpson says, “Nothing.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Unless I’d said, “Thinkin and book-learnin make my brain feel all hurty.” Now on to more important issues: her tits.

“I will never do nudity,” she declares. “I don’t care how dark and intellectual the role could be, I don’t care if I frickin’ could get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don’t think people deserve to see what’s under my clothing. That’s only for my next husband. Ha ha ha.”

It’s good that acting accolades mean “nothing” to her. Because that “Major Movie Star” and “Blonde Ambition” were shat out of the ass of critical acclaim, and “Employee of the Month” was the chaser. The only thing she seems to be good at is failing, and nobody’s ever managed to make a career out of that. Other than France and Tom Green, but I don’t think they really count.

If you didn’t catch it in the quickies yesterday, see her practically naked here.

43-year old supermodel Cindy Crawford gets naked and covered in shaving cream in an artsy-fartsy photoshoot for next month’s Allure magazine. Don’t get me wrong — I approve of the whole “naked supermodel” bit — but the rest I just don’t get. I assume it’s part of the well-known artistic movement known as the “Cliched Regurgitation of Avant-garde Pretense” series, or “CRAP” as it’s more commonly known in the vernacular.

Back in January of 2006, Lindsay Lohan reportedly scrawled “Scarlett Johansson is a cunt,” in sharpie on the bathroom wall of a New York City nightclub. And two years later, Scarlett is finally ready to talk about it. MSNBC reports

“I really don’t know [Lindsay]. I only met her, like, three times,” Johansson told Allure magazine.

As for the stall-scrawl incident, Johansson said in the December issue, “I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”

Ah, the bathroom stall disparaging! A fail-safe when TP-ing her locker or tripping her in the cafeteria isn’t an option. I’d still watch your back if I were you, Scarlett. And also maybe your husband’s front. The only thing that makes penises disappear faster than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina is Lorena Bobbitt and a carving knife.

Candids from the Allure photoshoot: