How come in Hollywood, lesbians look like Amber Heard, but every dyke I know look like this?

Amber Heard’s lesbian lover is some fancy photographer, so she took a bunch of artsy black-and-whites of Amber, and she’s topless in a few of them. Okay… she’s topless in one of them. Look, it’s better than eight lords-a-leaping. Keep it up, and next time it’s that and fruitcake.

Photos by Tasya van Ree:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Amber Heard showed up to the premiere of The Rum Diary in a fire engine-red gown slit up to here and towering spike stilettos. The great thing for her about being a lesbian is that she can go home and bitch about how much her shoes were killing her, and her girlfriend can actually sympathize with her instead of giving her a blank stare and the question, “Then why do you wear them if they hurt so much”? I suppose there are benefits to being in a peen-less relationship.

Now that she is no longer suckling at the droopy, wrinkled teat of  Hugh Hefner’s fortune, ex-bride-to-be Crystal Harris has to find other ways to support whatever substance she abuses to make her sad existence bearable. What better way to make some cash than to hawk the symbol of Hugh’s undying love temporary affection? E! Online says,

Crystal Harris is delivering another slap in the face to Hugh Hefner.

First she dissed him for his “two-second” sex with her. Now, she’s now putting the ginormous engagement ring her bought her up on the auction block at Christie’s.

And she’s expected to rake in some serious cash for the bauble.

The 3.39-carat diamond sparkler is expected to sell in the $20,000-$30,000 range.

Not a bad consolation prize.

Back in June, instead of marrying the Playboy honcho, cover girl Harris jetted to Las Vegas, where she posed in a bikini at a pool party and lounged in a bungalow.

“Today is the day and I just had to get away.” she told E! News at the time.

Harris claimed that the decision to not marry Hef was a mutual one (although their later comments belied that) and that she would be returning her engagement bling.

“I’m giving Hef back the ring,” she had said. “I just want to move forward.”

So what happened in between then and now? She looked into her future, and what she saw was a double-wide trailer and calcified implants and all that stood in between her and it was that ring. A temporary solution, yes, but she could get lucky and get picked up by someone who doesn’t mind treading where Hugh’s softie was stuffed.

Amber Heard in VS Magazine:

I couldn’t understand why they’d take someone as hot as Amber Heard, cover up her face with her hair, photoshop out her nipples, and have her turn away from the camera. Then I saw that these were pictures from next month’s Esquire. Maybe they could Tivo Antiques Roadshow and display some framed pictures of their cats for you while they’re at it.

“Zombieland” and “Pineapple Express” star Amber Heard officially outed herself at the GLAAD 25th anniversary bash in Hollywood Friday night when she walked down the red carpet with girlfriend of two years Tasya van Ree. Radar Online says:

Amber [explained her decision to come out, saying] she had to ask herself if by being closeted, she was part of the problem in denying “millions of hard-working, tax paying Americans” their rights.

“I think GLAAD is one of the many reasons that I, as a 24-year-old, can come out,” she explained.

Tasya Van Ree is a photographer and artist. She and Heard have quietly been together since 2008 but the GLAAD celebration was their formal coming out as a couple.

I think we all should embrace these brave young women and their courageous decision to come out of the closet. Embrace, and then maybe tickle, and then maybe playfully spank before we disrobe and oil each other up in a bout of frenzied sexual ecstasy. I don’t know any real live lesbians per se, but I know that’s how they do it in the movies my dad watches on Pay-Per-View.

Pics of Amber from Maxim and another almost naked photo shoot:

It reportedly took “Zombieland’s” Amber Heard four months of daily exercise and a strict no-carb diet to drop 25 pounds for her role in the CW’s “Hidden Palms.” Whereas it only took me two weeks to drop 25 pounds, thanks to my staunch commitment to “The 3 M’s” — Meth, Mountain Dew and Marlboro Lights. You won’t find a trimmer physique in all of Rusty Acres Trailer Park!