Lindsay Lohan might have been ordered to wear an alcohol-monitoring device and undergo weekly drug testing, but don’t go thinking that’s gonna cure what ails her. TMZ says:

Under the rules of the drug testing program, Lindsay can still take [prescription medication], provided they were prescribed by a doctor. Lindsay [currently] has prescriptions for Adderall and Ambien. Any prescription that shows up in Lindsay’s system during random drug testing will not get her in trouble with the judge.

But friends of Lindsay and her father Michael [say] the scripts are a big source of Lindsay’s problem. So Lindsay could still pass her drug tests and still have some of the problems she just can’t seem to beat.

Well, she spent nine hours in a hair salon yesterday dyeing her ratty-ass weave yellow, so I think it’s safe to assume she finally figured out how she’s gonna beat the system: she just tells the judge that the black-haired Lindsay is not Lindsay at all, but her evil twin sister, and if she jails Good Blonde Lindsay for Evil Twin Sister Lindsay’s actions, she’s just playing right into Stefano Dimera’s hands and becoming another pawn in his master plan to bring down the Bradys. According to “Everything I Needed to Know About Case Law I Learned Watching Days of Our Lives,” that’s the pinnacle of air-tight defenses right there.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Tila Tequila revealed on her blog yesterday that she has joined the fourth installment of VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab to conquer her socially-crippling need for attention and money “prescription pill problem.” Radar Online says

Tila loved to snort the prescription sleep aid Ambien, sources close to her told us.

“She would base her entire day around it,” one insider [revealed]. “She would wake up, snort ambien, google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep,” [adding] that when Tila would snort Ambien, “she would get manic.”

“I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote.

Am I missing something here? Ambien is a sleep aid, right? How does something that’s supposed to produce drowsiness make you manic? I call bullshit. Bull shit. You’ve just convinced yourself you’re fucked up because you want a free pass for acting a fool. You see the same thing at middle school parties when you break out the oregano and O’Douls and they all get progressively more “fucked up” as the night wears on. Not that I hang out at middle school parties a lot or anything. It’s just all part of my double-blind study on the Interpersonal Dynamics of the Placebo-Effect Produced by Non-Alcoholic Beer on 12-Year Olds. You can read all about it in the court transcripts after my hearing next week.

Five positions that indicate you might have a problem with beaver abuse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Now that he’s finished with sex therapy, Tiger Woods has checked into The Meadows treatment center in Arizona to kick his addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills. The New York Post says

Woods’ drugs of choice are said to be the sleep medication Ambien and painkiller Vicodin.

“In [sex] therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” an anonymous source [said].

The golfer’s lovers have said he enjoyed mixing Ambien and sex to heighten pleasure.

I can barely point the car in the right direction when I’m wacked out on painkillers, much less hit a tiny ball with a little stick and make it land within three feet of a hole 200 yards away from me. The inside of Tiger’s head must look like the goddamn targeting system of a F-14 Tomcat.