Somebody needs to tell Justin Bieber he really needs to lay off the Brylcreem and the eyebrow pencil before he hits the red carpet. Ugh. It’s what Hilary Swank would look like as a gay Ricky Ricardo.
With girlfriend Selena Gomez at the American Music Awards last night:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
The 2011 American Music Awards were last night, and no, I didn’t watch them, and no, I’m not gonna look up who won what. Nobody cares about the fuckin’ AMA’s. It’s the music industry’s equivalent of the Dundee Awards. What I will talk about is how fat Christina Aguilera looked in that dress (watch the performance after the jump). Oh, honey. The Daily Mail says:
Christina Aguilera’s bandage dress was somewhat challenged as she appeared onstage last night… at the American Music Awards in Los Angeles.
The Voice star bulged out of her bandage-style silver dress while performing the smash hit single Moves Like Jagger with Maroon 5.
As she was raised onto the stage mid-song on a glittery silver podium, Christina looked significantly heavier than the size four she has claimed to be.
I have never before seen a woman who so seamlessly encapsulated both Anna Nicole Smith’s‘s refined sense of style and Tonya Harding’s stately elegance. All this time, science said it couldn’t be done. At least not without six hundred boxes of irradiated powdered donuts and a cattle prod.
More of Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four, plus some of Taylor Swift looking beautiful on the AMAs red carpet:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:
Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”
Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.
A zombie’s smörgåsbord:
Adam Lambert wants you to know that his father is totally cool with his son’s simulated oral sex and S&M-laden shitty performance at the American Music Awards. Don’t you wish your dad was that hip and with it? MTV.com goes on,
The “Idol” runner-up also took some time to clear up rumors that have been floating around about him. “I haven’t started a makeup line. I might, but I haven’t yet,” he said. “My father was rumored to be mortified by what I did [at the 'American Music Awards'] and that we’re not speaking. That’s a rumor. … I think Bill O’Reilly perpetuated that. Lovely man. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. [My dad and I] were laughing about it … so that was a rumor.”
Dad’s a real pal. I bet he washes his butt plugs for him and everything.
Here he is at the Z100 Jingle Ball, looking like a complete tool.
Adam Lambert wants you to know that’s he not sorry about his controversial performance at the American Music Awards Sunday night; he’s sorry for you and your pathetic close-minded hate-mongering square-iness that can’t look true artistic greatness in the eye and accept it for what it is. He told Access Hollywood
“I’m not an artist that does things for every single person. I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song. If [my performance is] edited [for west coast viewers], that’s discrimination. There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against.
People are scared and it’s really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up… it’s really not that big of a deal.”
Simulating oral sex and S&M isn’t pushing the envelope musically. It’s just a trite and pedestrian attempt at disguising crap as art. You really want to cross boundaries, try working free form jazz and the spoons into a couple of your songs. Now that would be a true testament to talent!
It was a big night for Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards, even though neither of them were there to accept them. People magazine says
Swift won five American Music Awards, including Favorite Artist of the Year – all while she was in London.
A stunned Swift gave her acceptance speech via satellite, paying homage to the night’s other big winner, Michael Jackson.
Jackson won four trophies: Favorite Soul/R&B Artist, Favorite Pop/Rock Male Vocalist and Favorite Pop/Rock Album and Favorite Soul/R&B Album.
Good for Michael Jackson. Everything he’s put out in the last twenty years sucked donkey, but let’s just put aside the whole “weirdo recluse pedophile drug addict who hasn’t cranked out a real hit since 1987″ because he’s dead. Jesus Christ. I’m surprised they didn’t find a way to give Roman Polanski and award while they were at it. But anyway, I digress. The only reason we watch these shows (other than for the falling down) — the dresses! So let’s get to it. (Lots more of Selena Gomez, Fergie, Alicia Keys and Rihanna after the jump)
Shakira in a Versace dress made entirely of recycled milk jugs:
Carrie Underwood in a one-shoulder gold lamé Theia frock and Adam Lambert’s belt:
Nicole Kidman as Meg Ryan in a shower curtain in Balenciaga:
Kristen Bell in I Dream of Jeanie by Christian Cota:
Kelly Clarkson in Fatty Fatty Two by Four:
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin
If you didn’t watch the American Music Awards last night, you’re in luck, because I have the highlights right here: Adam Lambert wiping out during his dirty butt sex tribute “For Your Entertainment” and Jennifer Lopez landing right on her big fat fanny during her “Loubotins” performance. I really had a hard time deciding who had the better fall, but in the end I went with Adam (FF to the 1:47 mark), because he turned his misstep into a full on Errol Flynn pirate-style monkey roll. While JLo’s comeuppance is sweet (FF to the 2:55 mark), hers lacked the theatrics and improvised somersaults that Adam’s did. Ultimately, I have to go with quality over quantity, no matter how much seismic energy was registered on the Richter scale when Jennifer Lopez’ ass hit the floor. I’m firm but fair.
Rihanna, who should never, EVER sing live, after the jump.
PHOTO SOURCE: Huffington Post
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