Amy Winehouse had her new tits on full display as she left the Hawley Arms in Camden last night — but there’s gonna be more where that came from. The Daily Mail says
Amy Winehouse spent £35,000 on a breast enlargement [and] boosted her bust from a 32B to a 32D, but she’s is now said to be hooked on surgery and planning another breast enlargement and even bum implants.
‘Amy loves her boobs,’ a source [said]. ‘She thinks by having another operation and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.’
You’ve heard that expression “useless as tits on a boar?” What about “polishing a turd” or “lipstick on a pig?” I’d say all three apply here. Double for that turd one.
It’s been one week since their divorce was finalized, so of course Amy Winehouse and ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil are now secretly dating again. The two met up at a bar (surprise, surprise) on Friday before Blake burrowed his way through the back window of her home the next day. The News of the World says
The singer later decided to ask Blake back to her place - but had to sneak him past her security first.
“Amy has two full-time security men at her house,” said the friend. “They were under strict instruction not to let Blake in. But Amy wasn’t having any of it, so she got him in through a back window so they could have some private time together.
Blake spent part of the night in… Amy’s bedroom. She’s being very secretive about it but we know he was there.”
The pal added: “He wants to be with her, he’s in love with her, he’s convinced they’re still meant to be together. Despite everything she’s said about him over the last couple of weeks, deep down she feels the same way.”
Oh, it’s just like Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? If “Romeo” meant “dog” and “Juliet” meant “to its own vomit.” Someone should really bust out the iambic pentameter and write a play about it.
Hello, my lovelies. It’s Sarah today. There’s a whole lot of nothing going on at the moment (unless you count a bunch of boring crap about British reality-tv people or a bitch fight between “American Idol” alums over who’s the gayest of them all or more stupid shit about stupid dumb Jon & Kate), so let’s take a little island detour and check in with Amy Winehouse, shall we?
Awwww, check it out you guys, Amy made a friend! And this time her friend totally isn’t even a hollowed-out carrot she’s trying to smoke hair clippings out of. Look, they’re having so much fun together! First they re-enacted that video of Bigfoot (here) and then Amy pretended she was Daniel-san and her new friend was Mr. Miyagi (here) and then they played some sort of game involving zombies (here).
It looks like Amy is advancing to nearly the same level of social development as the average preschooler. Awwww, she’s growing up so fast, you guys!
Amy Winehouse’s estranged husband Blake Fielder Civil reportedly impregnated the stunning beauty seen above while the two were in rehab for heroin addiction. The Daily Mail says
Gillian Morris, 31, told the News of the World that Blake seduced her at the Phoenix Futures Rehab Centre in Sheffield and “we had a secret fling.”
The mother-of-two, who was undergoing treatment for heroin addiction, said he was shocked when he found out but he “has vowed to stand by me and raise the child” and she is now planning to keep the child, [adding] “I was surprised how supportive he was. I don’t think he’d say he’ll stand by me if he didn’t mean it.”
Oh, I’m sure he meant it. Really, if there’s one person in the world whose word you can definitely trust, it’s a married man with a crippling opiate addiction who’s sticking it to you in the janitor’s closet at the court-ordered rehab center you’re both attending. I’m pretty sure they even use Blake’s porkpie hat during swearing-in ceremonies when they’re running short on Bibles.
How do you prove to your estranged husband that your love for him is true? If you’re Amy Winehouse, that means going to the place you had your honeymoon and boning some other dude. Doesn’t make sense to me, put perhaps this is romance nouveau! Personally, I find that singing “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (a really stalker-ish type of song) by Diana Ross and voodoo dolls really does the trick. Digital Spy explains,
Amy Winehouse has said that she still loves her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil and that she will not let him divorce her.
The singer told Now that her alleged relationship with actor Josh Bowman in St. Lucia was a “holiday thing” and that she does not want anyone else in her life but her husband.
Winehouse said: “I still love Blake and I want him to move into my new house with me - that was my plan all along.
“I won’t let him divorce me. He’s the male version of me and we’re perfect for each other.
“I didn’t want to go back to Britain until he was out of jail. I’d like to take him back to St. Lucia with me because that’s where we spent our honeymoon and I know he loves it there. We’ll see.”
It all makes sense now. That tattoo on her chest with Blake on it is like a name tag for her alternate identity. And all that fighting and scratching Blake, well, if YOU believed that that ugly bastard was your male equivalent, you’d probably want to scratch the fug away too. Maybe she’s hoping to find a prize underneath the upper dermis, sort of like a lottery scratcher. Don’t judge!
Leaving the City of Westminster Magistrates’ Court in London, then shopping, then demonstrating the proper way to adjust your shoes while wearing a dress:
I know I just hurt you guys where it counts with those Amy Winehouseupskirt pictures, but since today’s news consists almost solely of things either depressing or disgusting, I figured we’d kinda switch tactics for a minute. Before you start bitching at me about how you don’t give a shit about heartwarming animal rescue stories accompanied by funny sci-fi looking Reptilian Terminator photos, allow me to list for you the alternative news items from which we currently have to choose:
Rosie O’Donnell going to dinner with some other ladies, her mouth hanging wide open in every single photo
Vin Diesel’s fat head hulking around at the Fast & Furious premiere and a story about how he got dropped by his publicist because he is such a little bitch
Orlando Bloom stumbling out of the Cuckoo Club at 3:30am with “Boy Worth” written on his hand and his subsequent back-and-forth shenanigans in a taxi as he decides whether he will drunkenly attempt to operate a motorcycle
I will graciously accept your pre-emptive apologies, as well as your thanks in advance. Moving on, let’s discuss the delightful Robocroc, shall we? This poor guy was crushed by a car, and his shattered skull has been cobbled back together using four metal plates and 41 screws. He’s been recovering at Miami Metro Zoo, and he just opened his mouth for the first time in three months. Go tell your cubefarm neighbour this story, and you should never again have to listen to them piss and moan about the degree to which they suffer when Starbucks is out of sugar free hazelnut syrup.
Ugh. How this dumb bitch manages to remain alive and still tottering around is a complete mystery to me. She’s spent the last several years literally doing everything in her power to court Death, but that worthless Grim Reaping jackhole can’t be arsed to pay her a damn bit of attention.
Amy Winehouse, graceful as always, leaving Maddox Nightclub in London last night:
It looks like Amy Winehouse may get her comeuppance after all — she’s been formally charged with assault for punching a fan in the face at a charity ball last year. According to the Daily Mail
Amy Winehouse has been charged with common assault after allegedly punching… dancer Sherene Flash, who had asked if she could take a photograph of her.
This is believed to be the first time Winehouse, 25, has been charged with an offense.
She has been arrested and investigated after incidents including drugs and assault claims, but police have dropped the cases.
British prosecutors must be even stupider than the ones in L.A. if this is the first time they’ve managed to actually charge Amy Winehouse with anything. For Chrissakes, there’s video of her snorting cocaine right in the middle of her goddamn concert. And then there’s that footage of her snorting it again in a London pub. And don’t let’s forget the video of her snorting ecstasy and cocaine and smoking crack during a party at her Camden flat. That’s just fucking pitiful, mates. Come on. Even Shaquille O’Neal manages to hit a free throw every sixth or seventh time at the stripe.
Singer Amy Winehouse was her usual reserved and dignified self during a nine-hour flight from Barbados to London on Sunday. The Daily Mail says
Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles [of British Airways flight 2152].
A source [said]: ‘She had clearly been drinking. She was acting… like a child. It wasn’t funny, it was just annoying.’
There were even reports this morning that she had physically lashed out at a fellow passenger during the flight.
Upon arrival at Gatwick on Sunday morning, the singer looked distressed and jetlagged..
Just how they distinguished “distressed and jetlagged” from her usual look of “belligerent and on the verge of blackout” is a mystery to me. Maybe there was some sort of sign on her back.
I’m glad that in these uncertain times, when the economy sucks big donkey balls and I get laid off after 7 years at the same job, that we can count on Amy Winehouse to do what she does best: be a hot mess. Is there a Guinness World Record for Most Hospital Visits in Year? Amy seems to be well on her way to becoming a champion. According to Now,
Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital on Friday night after collapsing.
The troubled diva, who is still on extended holiday on the Caribbean island of St Lucia, was in ‘a terrible state’.
Amy, 25, claims she has given up drugs during her vacation but is believed to have been drinking heavily.
‘She looked a shaking mess,’ a witness tells The Sun. ‘The people with her were very concerned.’
Amy’s spokesman has confirmed she’s receiving treatment after running out of a drug replacement she’d been using in a bid to get well.
You can always count on those Brits to make things sound so much more elegant and respectable than they are. Here in the good ol’ US of A, we’d substitute “in a state” for something like, “gargling on her own vomit” and “a shaking mess” for “too drunk to make it to the bathroom”.
Pre-drunken mess Amy doing some exercises in St. Lucia:
The medical center Amy was taken to: They put the hospitality into hospital!
Thieves broke into Amy Winehouse’s London apartment this week and stole thousands of dollars worth of heroincocainebeehives instruments and recording equipment while she vacationed in St Lucia. The Daily Mail says
The padlocked front door of her Camden flat was kicked in and [$30,000] worth of guitars and music recording equipment was taken in the raid. Her spokesperson said she was ‘disappointed’ by the loss but ‘relieved’ that she had her favorite guitar with her on the Caribbean island.
Police secured the flat and carried out forensic tests. A spokesman said “No arrests have been made.”
The spokesman then added, “But Detective Hardy got a wicked fucking contact high just from the shit they swept off of the floor.” Because, um… he was clearly from Boston. Yeah, well ya girlfriend smells like the fucking Blue Line, ya fucking chowdahead!
Today is a special day, folks — this marks the first time the words “Amy Winehouse” and “heroin” haven’t been separated by the words “tied herself off and shot up with.” According to The Sun
Louise Williams, 39, was having a sailing lesson in the Caribbean when she was thrown out of her boat by a 6ft wave [and] landed painfully on rocks near where… Amy was relaxing with a pal.
The singer dashed to Louise — who was lying in agony at the water’s edge and in danger of being swept back into the sea.
She helped her up and guided her to a beach shower, washed the gashes clean, ran to get fresh towels and wrapped her in them.
Later Amy posed for a snap with Louise, looking proud.
Louise added “It’s funny, because I was sure I was dead when I saw the Grim Reaper come charging at me. But then I thought it was weird that the Reaper was topless. And he was carrying a bottle of whiskey instead of a scythe. It sure smelled like death, I can tell you that much. But it turns out it was just Amy Winehouse! What a lucky break, huh?”
Enjoy video of Amy’s impromptu hotel lobby performance:
