Here’s Amy Winehouse with her bolt-ons and a new boyfriend Reg Traviss. He’s definitely a step up from greasy, pasty Pete Doherty, although to be fair, a 3-days-dead corpse would be a step up from Doherty. Amy looks like she smells like pee, Aquanet, cigarettes and dirty feet,  so I don’t know what kind of masochistic trip Reg is on. Kind of like self-flagellation, only a lot less fun, and with more STDs.

At the opening of a new restuarant:

Happy Friday, bitches! But if you’re like me and Amy Winehouse, every day is Friday. Here’s Amy sloshing around town looking clean and sober. By which I really mean that she looks like the type of people who ride the bus around here. You know, the kind that smell like pee and swat at hallucinations while mumbling something about “I told the squirrel I don’t like to fly”.

Amy Winehouse is all set to remarry ex-husband Blake Fielder Civil (whom she divorced in September of last year) and start having children — she’s even gone as far as to purchase a new home in Camden that’s roomy enough for a whole litter of crack babies. The Daily Mail says

Winehouse, 26, is referring to the £2.5million pad as ‘our new home’, with a source saying: ‘She picked the new pad because it is big enough to be a family home.’

The Sun reported Amy as saying she was engaged to 27-year-old Fielder-Civil once more and that they ‘definitely want kids’.

It’s believed they will marry as soon as Winehouse’s U.S. visa application is approved.

For those wishing to send gifts, Amy and Blake are registered at Marlboro.com, MedicalWholesaleSyringes.com, and the Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. They ask that you send cash or crack rocks in lieu of china or stemware. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Amy in London this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

While other people are spreading goodwill and cheer, Amy Winehouse is busy doing the devil’s work, terrifying little elves and kicking men in the chestnuts. I think I just heard the baby Jesus cry. Digital Spy reports,

Amy Winehouse has been questioned by police after kicking a theatre manager in the groin and yelling abuse at a pantomime performance, according to reports.

The ‘Rehab’ singer, who went to support her actor friend Anthony Kavanagh in Cinderella at a Milton Keynes theatre, allegedly heckled the cast, refused to stay in her seat and kept swearing in front of children.

One onlooker, who described Winehouse as a “demonic child”, told The Sun that she yelled: “F**k Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me,” before calling the ugly stepsister characters “bitches”.

Winehouse reportedly punched and kicked theatre boss Richard Pound when he tried to escort her to a box after the interval.

Two of the musician’s minders are said to have carried her out of the venue in the second act.

Well, to be honest, Amy’s violent additions to the play are actually closer to the original story of Cinderella. No, really. In the original Brothers Grimm story, the stepsisters were beautiful, and when the part comes for them to try the slipper on, one of them cuts off her big toe to fit into the shoe, and she gets away with it until the prince notices blood streaming from the shoe. Then the other sister cuts off the back of her heel, and the same thing happens. Cinderella of course fits the shoe, and she rides off with the prince. In the end, some pigeons pluck out the stepsisters’ eyes. So you see, Amy isn’t just some “demonic child”, she’s a GD literary purist!

Showing off her new tits and drawn-on freckles (?!)

Amy Winehouse had her new tits on full display as she left the Hawley Arms in Camden last night — but there’s gonna be more where that came from. The Daily Mail says

Amy Winehouse spent £35,000 on a breast enlargement [and] boosted her bust from a 32B to a 32D, but she’s is now said to be hooked on surgery and planning another breast enlargement and even bum implants.

‘Amy loves her boobs,’ a source [said]. ‘She thinks by having another operation and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.’

You’ve heard that expression “useless as tits on a boar?” What about “polishing a turd” or “lipstick on a pig?” I’d say all three apply here. Double for that turd one.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It’s been one week since their divorce was finalized, so of course Amy Winehouse and ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil are now secretly dating again. The two met up at a bar (surprise, surprise) on Friday before Blake burrowed his way through the back window of her home the next day. The News of the World says

The singer later decided to ask Blake back to her place – but had to sneak him past her security first.

“Amy has two full-time security men at her house,” said the friend. “They were under strict instruction not to let Blake in. But Amy wasn’t having any of it, so she got him in through a back window so they could have some private time together.

Blake spent part of the night in… Amy’s bedroom. She’s being very secretive about it but we know he was there.”

The pal added: “He wants to be with her, he’s in love with her, he’s convinced they’re still meant to be together. Despite everything she’s said about him over the last couple of weeks, deep down she feels the same way.”

Oh, it’s just like Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? If “Romeo” meant “dog” and “Juliet” meant “to its own vomit.” Someone should really bust out the iambic pentameter and write a play about it.

Amy headed to — where else? — court last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Hello, my lovelies.  It’s Sarah today.  There’s a whole lot of nothing going on at the moment (unless you count a bunch of boring crap about British reality-tv people or a bitch fight between “American Idol” alums over who’s the gayest of them all or more stupid shit about stupid dumb Jon & Kate), so let’s take a little island detour and check in with Amy Winehouse, shall we?

Awwww, check it out you guys, Amy made a friend!  And this time her friend totally isn’t even a hollowed-out carrot she’s trying to smoke hair clippings out of.  Look, they’re having so much fun together!  First they re-enacted that video of Bigfoot (here) and then Amy pretended she was Daniel-san and her new friend was Mr. Miyagi (here) and then they played some sort of game involving zombies (here).

It looks like Amy is advancing to nearly the same level of social development as the average preschooler.  Awwww, she’s growing up so fast, you guys!

Amy Winehouse’s estranged husband Blake Fielder Civil reportedly impregnated the stunning beauty seen above while the two were in rehab for heroin addiction. The Daily Mail says

Gillian Morris, 31, told the News of the World that Blake seduced her at the Phoenix Futures Rehab Centre in Sheffield and “we had a secret fling.”

The mother-of-two, who was undergoing treatment for heroin addiction, said he was shocked when he found out but he “has vowed to stand by me and raise the child” and she is now planning to keep the child, [adding] “I was surprised how supportive he was. I don’t think he’d say he’ll stand by me if he didn’t mean it.”

Oh, I’m sure he meant it. Really, if there’s one person in the world whose word you can definitely trust, it’s a married man with a crippling opiate addiction who’s sticking it to you in the janitor’s closet at the court-ordered rehab center you’re both attending. I’m pretty sure they even use Blake’s porkpie hat during swearing-in ceremonies when they’re running short on Bibles.

Amy terrorizing local kiddies in St. Lucia:

How do you prove to your estranged husband that your love for him is true? If you’re Amy Winehouse, that means going to the place you had your honeymoon and boning some other dude. Doesn’t make sense to me, put perhaps this is romance nouveau! Personally, I find that singing “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” (a really stalker-ish type of song) by Diana Ross and voodoo dolls really does the trick. Digital Spy explains,

Amy Winehouse has said that she still loves her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil and that she will not let him divorce her.

The singer told Now that her alleged relationship with actor Josh Bowman in St. Lucia was a “holiday thing” and that she does not want anyone else in her life but her husband.

Winehouse said: “I still love Blake and I want him to move into my new house with me – that was my plan all along.

“I won’t let him divorce me. He’s the male version of me and we’re perfect for each other.

“I didn’t want to go back to Britain until he was out of jail. I’d like to take him back to St. Lucia with me because that’s where we spent our honeymoon and I know he loves it there. We’ll see.”

It all makes sense now. That tattoo on her chest with Blake on it is like a name tag for her alternate identity. And all that fighting and scratching Blake, well, if YOU believed that that ugly bastard was your male equivalent, you’d probably want to scratch the fug away too. Maybe she’s hoping to find a prize underneath the upper dermis, sort of like a lottery scratcher. Don’t judge!

Leaving the City of Westminster Magistrates’ Court in London, then shopping, then demonstrating the proper way to adjust your shoes while wearing a dress:

I know I just hurt you guys where it counts with those Amy Winehouse upskirt pictures, but since today’s news consists almost solely of things either depressing or disgusting, I figured we’d kinda switch tactics for a minute.  Before you start bitching at me about how you don’t give a shit about heartwarming animal rescue stories accompanied by funny sci-fi looking Reptilian Terminator photos, allow me to list for you the alternative news items from which we currently have to choose:

1. Rosie O’Donnell going to dinner with some other ladies, her mouth hanging wide open in every single photo
2. Vin Diesel’s fat head hulking around at the Fast & Furious premiere and a story about how he got dropped by his publicist because he is such a little bitch
3. Orlando Bloom stumbling out of the Cuckoo Club at 3:30am with “Boy Worth” written on his hand and his subsequent back-and-forth shenanigans in a taxi as he decides whether he will drunkenly attempt to operate a motorcycle

I will graciously accept your pre-emptive apologies, as well as your thanks in advance.  Moving on, let’s discuss the delightful Robocroc, shall we?  This poor guy was crushed by a car, and his shattered skull has been cobbled back together using four metal plates and 41 screws.  He’s been recovering at Miami Metro Zoo, and he just opened his mouth for the first time in three months.  Go tell your cubefarm neighbour this story, and you should never again have to listen to them piss and moan about the degree to which they suffer when Starbucks is out of sugar free hazelnut syrup.

Ugh.  How this dumb bitch manages to remain alive and still tottering around is a complete mystery to me.  She’s spent the last several years literally doing everything in her power to court Death, but that worthless Grim Reaping jackhole can’t be arsed to pay her a damn bit of attention.

Amy Winehouse, graceful as always, leaving Maddox Nightclub in London last night:

It looks like Amy Winehouse may get her comeuppance after all — she’s been formally charged with assault for punching a fan in the face at a charity ball last year. According to the Daily Mail

Amy Winehouse has been charged with common assault after allegedly punching… dancer Sherene Flash, who had asked if she could take a photograph of her.

This is believed to be the first time Winehouse, 25, has been charged with an offense.

She has been arrested and investigated after incidents including drugs and assault claims, but police have dropped the cases.

British prosecutors must be even stupider than the ones in L.A. if this is the first time they’ve managed to actually charge Amy Winehouse with anything. For Chrissakes, there’s video of her snorting cocaine right in the middle of her goddamn concert. And then there’s that footage of her snorting it again in a London pub. And don’t let’s forget the video of her snorting ecstasy and cocaine and smoking crack during a party at her Camden flat. That’s just fucking pitiful, mates. Come on. Even Shaquille O’Neal manages to hit a free throw every sixth or seventh time at the stripe.

Heading to Shelfridges last night: