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I don’t know if Amy Winehouse is constipated or just trying to stave off a bout of explosive diarrhea from spraying out of her bottom. But what I DO know is that her ass should probably be measured with a protractor from here on out, because it makes a damn near perfect 45-degree angle. Isosceles triangles everywhere must be so jealous!

Amy outside a pub in Kentish Town; Britney Spears in a bikini in Hawaii. I figure one crazy bitch’s as good as another:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

We all know Amy Winehouse is an affront to every sense when she’s awake, but did you know she offends even when sleeping? Digital Spy says,

Amy Winehouse has reportedly offended Zulu king Goodwill Zwelithini during a drunken night out.

The singer accompanied boyfriend Reg Traviss to the launch of the African-themed Shaka Zulu restaurant in London on Wednesday night but is said to have insulted the leader by falling asleep during a speech he was giving to the 200 guests.

A source told The Sun: “It was embarrassing. Amy was in a state. People were cringing.

“Before the king arrived she was downing glasses of wine and snogging the face off Reg. She completely insulted the king during his speech. Amy showed no respect.”

Traviss allegedly removed Winehouse from the establishment shortly after 9pm before escorting her home.

To be fair, I’d have probably fallen asleep too. You can only listen to someone making clicks and pops for so long.

Happy Friday, bitches! But if you’re like me and Amy Winehouse, every day is Friday. Here’s Amy sloshing around town looking clean and sober. By which I really mean that she looks like the type of people who ride the bus around here. You know, the kind that smell like pee and swat at hallucinations while mumbling something about “I told the squirrel I don’t like to fly”.

Amy Winehouse is all set to remarry ex-husband Blake Fielder Civil (whom she divorced in September of last year) and start having children — she’s even gone as far as to purchase a new home in Camden that’s roomy enough for a whole litter of crack babies. The Daily Mail says

Winehouse, 26, is referring to the £2.5million pad as ‘our new home’, with a source saying: ‘She picked the new pad because it is big enough to be a family home.’

The Sun reported Amy as saying she was engaged to 27-year-old Fielder-Civil once more and that they ‘definitely want kids’.

It’s believed they will marry as soon as Winehouse’s U.S. visa application is approved.

For those wishing to send gifts, Amy and Blake are registered at Marlboro.com, MedicalWholesaleSyringes.com, and the Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee. They ask that you send cash or crack rocks in lieu of china or stemware. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Amy in London this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Demonic child Amy Winehouse

While other people are spreading goodwill and cheer, Amy Winehouse is busy doing the devil’s work, terrifying little elves and kicking men in the chestnuts. I think I just heard the baby Jesus cry. Digital Spy reports,

Amy Winehouse has been questioned by police after kicking a theatre manager in the groin and yelling abuse at a pantomime performance, according to reports.

The ‘Rehab’ singer, who went to support her actor friend Anthony Kavanagh in Cinderella at a Milton Keynes theatre, allegedly heckled the cast, refused to stay in her seat and kept swearing in front of children.

One onlooker, who described Winehouse as a “demonic child”, told The Sun that she yelled: “F**k Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me,” before calling the ugly stepsister characters “bitches”.

Winehouse reportedly punched and kicked theatre boss Richard Pound when he tried to escort her to a box after the interval.

Two of the musician’s minders are said to have carried her out of the venue in the second act.

Well, to be honest, Amy’s violent additions to the play are actually closer to the original story of Cinderella. No, really. In the original Brothers Grimm story, the stepsisters were beautiful, and when the part comes for them to try the slipper on, one of them cuts off her big toe to fit into the shoe, and she gets away with it until the prince notices blood streaming from the shoe. Then the other sister cuts off the back of her heel, and the same thing happens. Cinderella of course fits the shoe, and she rides off with the prince. In the end, some pigeons pluck out the stepsisters’ eyes. So you see, Amy isn’t just some “demonic child”, she’s a GD literary purist!

Showing off her new tits and drawn-on freckles (?!)

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