Katie Holmes was interviewed on “Good Morning America” yesterday, and host Diane Sawyer asked all the hard-hitting questions you’d expect of a journalist. Except for the ones having anything to do with Scientology, contractual agreements, or being the surrogate for the demon seed of L. Ron Hubbard. Page Six says

“GMA” host Diane Sawyer asked Holmes only inoffensive questions about her hair, her clothes, her baby and her new movie. Incredibly, she never even brought up Andrew Morton’s controversial new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography.”

The network [went into] full damage-control, [with the] “GMA” executive producer [insisting] there was no agreement to avoid the touchy subject. He [claimed] he’d planned for the segment to delve into the personal lives of Cruise and Holmes, but after nearly eight minutes of light banter, called for the segment to end.

I imagine if the topic had been broached, Katie would have just put her hands to either side of her head to fluff her coif, waved an acrylic tipped finger at Diane and said, “That is not a topic. You want I should give you a topic? Here’s your topic: Scientology is neitha a science nor an ology. Discuss.” I can’t imagine you’d steal Linda Richman’s signature look without lifting a couple of her round table techniques, too.

Like buttah at the ABC Studios yesterday:

Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has another tell-all book about to hit the presses, and this one targets Hollywood-Heartthrob-Turned-Scientology-Overlord Tom Cruise. Morton makes several shocking allegations against the star, namely (via the NY Daily News)

Cruise, 45, is second-highest leader in his controversial Church of Scientology, and… 20-month-old [daughter] Suri may have secretly been fathered by late church founder L. Ron Hubbard. Fanatical Scientology insiders wonder if third wife Katie Holmes “had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm. In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie ‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.”

I imagine the time for “reflective moments” came when she found herself waking in a metal tube without her short term memory or her original hair. That’s a scary fucking couple of minutes, believe you me. Nobody’d cut my hair and I didn’t wake up in a metal tube, exactly, but there was this one time I came to beneath a willowy gray figure staring down with silver eyes and a mouth that spoke without moving. I couldn’t remember anything past four o’clock the day before and I had a distant feeling that I had once been wearing pants and not bleeding from the anus. Luckily, the alien turned out just to be a parking meter and I hadn’t been inseminated with anybody’s demon seed. I’d just taken a bunch of Klonopin and passed out near Broad and 4th. See, you can’t make babies in the butt! Science is almost always on my side.

Katie shopping with the devil child on her birthday: