I hated the dress that Angelina Jolie wore to the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night — it looks like a “Project Runway” challenge with Hefty bags — but you just can’t escape her smoldering beauty or not get lost in her eyes. If only she’d worn Lea Michele’s dress instead. Fortunately, my mad photoshop skillz and I have already set about rectifying that situation. I don’t like to brag, but that only took me fifteen minutes. Plenty more where that came from, baby!

If you care about the winners, click here:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie always said that they would get married when gay marriage became legal in all fifty states, but later hinted that wedding might be coming before any federal law was overturned, and now Brad has all but confirmed there IS a Brangelina wedding in the works, gay people be damned. The Daily Mail says:

In an interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Brad Pitt made a stunning admission when asked whether he would marry Angelina: ‘We made this declaration some time ago that we weren’t going to do it till everyone can. But I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out.’

He said their six children were one of the significant factors behind his change of heart.

Brad said: ‘We’d actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids… they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.’

But he didn’t go as far as saying he had asked Angelina to marry him, adding: ‘I’m not going to go any further.’

Bottom line, they’ll get married when Angelina tells him it’s time to get married. Pretending he has any say in it whatsoever is downright hilarious.

At the Golden Globes:

Fame/Flynet Pictures

I mentioned the stupid “fashion cane” Brad Pitt was working at the New York Film Critics Awards in the Quickies yesterday, but I feel like I may have unintentionally suggested that he was using the cane simply as a fashion accessory by neglecting to mention that he actually does have some sort of foot injury at the moment. Now, I don’t take issue with canes in general. I’ve got nothing against them. What I take issue with is Brad Pitt’s choice of a cane. Hand-carved Gaboon ebony? Was it whittled by a tribe of African pygmies and polished with the tears of twenty virgins, too? Jackass.

Arriving to the NY Film Critics Awards with Angelina Jolie yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I was all set to say something pointlessly mean and spiteful about Angelina Jolie in Marie Claire until I got a load of her face the cover. Holy shit she is beautiful. Wow. It’s like staring into the face of God. I just didn’t know God would have such nice DSL’s.

Angelina Jolie’s disembodied head and hands haunt this week’s Newsweek, where she talks about the new movie she wrote and directed, “Land of Blood and Honey.” I couldn’t get over how much she looked like Malificent from “Sleeping Beauty” in these pics. I was gonna say, “Just cut the black around her head into the shape of horns and you’ve even got that headdress thing she wears,” except then I read that she’s actually gonna be playing the titular role of Maleficient in an upcoming movie. However by then it was already too late to think of something else to say, because I was out of Wild Turkey. BRB.

Newsweek pics plus some of Angie with Brad Pitt and his parents at last night’s premiere:

Angelina Jolie is being sued by a Croatian journalist who claims she pilfered the story behind her new movie “In the Land of Blood and Honey” from a story he wrote back in 2007. Radar Online says:

As an example of the similarities between the story James J. Braddock published and the storyline of the film, the lawsuit states:

“The Subject Work’s main female character is subject to continuous abuse and rape by soldiers and officers in the camp. In addition to being raped continuously by soldiers and officers, she is forced to become a servant at the camp headquarters, a duty assumed by very few of the captives. The Motion Picture’s main female character is also subject to continuous rape by soldiers and officers in the camp and subsequently becomes a servant at camp headquarters.”

Braddock has also named GK Films, the L.A.-based production company which financed and is releasing the film, and several other entities.

He’s demanding a jury trial asking the court to award him damages.

Of course she stole his story. Stealing is what Angelina Jolies do best. She stole another woman’s husband, she then stole that same man’s balls, effectively stealing from what she had already stolen. Why would her movie be any different?

Where’s the power of Greyskull when you need it:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Photos of Angelina Jolie boarding her private plane looking like a damn corpse have sparked new concerns that the actress is suffering from an eating disorder. She’s barely a hundred pounds soaking wet and she’s five fucking eight. Of course the bitch has an eating disorder. Jesus. Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills The Daily Mail says:

According to Grazia magazine, Angelina survives on as little as 600 calories a day.

“Angelina has been known to start her day with little more than a spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal,” a source told Grazia last week.

“Sometimes she’ll skip lunch altogether or will just grab a few almonds and some gummy bears while she’s on the go, or will have a protein-based shake.

A lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far… everyone has been begging her to eat more, but unfortunately she just doesn’t seem to be putting on any more weight.”

Angelina Jolie was so stunningly beautiful back in her Lara Croft heyday, and now she looks like something that should be haunting a lake. She’s all sinew and bone. Shaking hands with her would be like shaking hands with a damn eagle.

And now for someone who clearly ISN’T anorexic, the lovely Salma Hayek at the “Puss ‘n Boots” photocall in Rome:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Because no one wants to be friends with ugly people, Angelina Jolie and Gwen Stefani took the kiddies on a playdate in London yesterday. The Daily Mail says:

[Jolie] was spotted taking some of her brood [over to Stefani's] London home today.

The 36-year-old, who is in the city while her partner Brad Pitt shoots his new film World War Z, arrived at the Primrose Hill abode with Zahara, 6, Shiloh, 5, and 3-year-old twins Vivienne and Knox in tow.

The No Doubt star’s son Kingston was born the day before Shiloh, while her youngest Zuma is now the same age Angelina’s twins.

Unfortunately, the price tag on pics of celebrity children quadruples when they go on playdates with any of the Brangelina brood, so I couldn’t afford to get any shots from the actual playdate. Instead, I spliced together an old picture of Angelina with some of her kids and an old pic of Gwen with some of her kids, so if you look at that while having someone yell “I’m hungry! He’s not sharing! Vivienne put Q-tips in the DVD player! Can you come wipe me?” in your ear while pouring juice on the floor and eating a crayon, it’s just like you were there on the playdate yourself.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brad Pitt opens up in Parade about his life during his marriage to Jennifer Aniston (it sucked) and how it compares to his life now with partner Angelina Jolie (it’s uh-MAzing). There’s no mention, however, of how he feels since Angie made his balls a rear-view mirror decoration for her car. Says Parade,

“I put much more emphasis on being a satisfied man. I’m satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much.

“I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

“One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I’m so happy to have her.”

After that, Brad turned around to Angie, and said, “Did I do good, Angie, did I do good? Huh? Can I have a treat now? Can I? Can I?” At which point, Angie leaned over, patted him on the head, and tossed him a fish.

The Golden Couple at the Toronto premiere of Moneyball: 

Angelina Jolie sat down with Vanity Fair to discuss her directorial and screenwriting debut “In the Land of Blood and Honey,” the tale of a Bosnian refugee who falls in love with her captor. Us Magazine says:

The star feverishly wrote the script for the Bosnian War romance while feeling under the weather.

“I had the flu. I had to be quarantined from the children for two days. I was in the attic of a house in France. I was isolated, pacing. I don’t watch TV and I wasn’t reading anything. So I started writing. I went from the beginning to the end. I didn’t know any other way.”

She got the thumbs up on her screenplay from [partner Brad] Pitt himself. “He called and said, ‘You know, honey, it’s not that bad.’”

And her man remained “so supportive” throughout the project, she gushes. “He’d come in and say what he liked or what he didn’t understand. Like any woman, I would listen to most of it and fight a few things…It’s hard to separate the person that loves you from the critic, so I don’t think he’s a fair judge.”

You know, as a writer, I did some of my best work when I had the flu last year, too. Once I downed a couple of bottles of Robotussin, I started seeing all kinds of crazy shit. My brain just exploded with creativity. Well, technically, the doctor said it was more of an “aneurysm,” and that everything I had written appeared to be in Sanskrit, but still. I think we can all agree it was still way more interesting than any of the shit I wrote today.

One more pic:

Angelina Jolie is here at the Cannes Film Festival promoting Kung Fu Panda 2, and although she is ridiculously beautiful, she is starting to really get that malnourished look to her. You know, where your hands and feet start looking too big for your arms and legs, which take on a twig-like appearance themselves. Combine that with the linear tattoos on her shoulder, and she’s like a poster child for putting a happy spin on an Auschwitz prisoner. Like, Hitler’s PR men told him, “You know, maybe people wouldn’t be so adverse to going to our camps if we took a really beautiful prisoner, dressed her up, and handed her over to a really good makeup artist, and then took pictures of her waving and looking happy, and put her on a poster that said, “Hitler’s Concentration Camps–Where Beautiful People Are Happy”–or something like that”. But we all know there’s nothing funny about concentration camps, so now that I was trying to make a joke about it, you can all hate me now.

Angelina Jolie was photographed on a humanitarian mission at the Tunisian-Libyan border with a new coordinate tattooed on her left arm beneath the coordinates of her kids’ birthplaces, leading to speculation that she was about to add another urchin to her Benetton brood. The Daily Mail says:

The 35-year-old now has a seventh line of co-ordinates signifying the birthplaces of her six children.

While the full co-ordinates cannot be made out in the photo, the new inking has led to all manner of speculation – raising the question whether The Tourist star has another adoption in the process.

However, other reports suggest the numerics refer to the latitude and longitude of her partner Brad Pitt’s birth place, Oklahoma.

It’s probably just the coordinates of the exact location where she hacked off Brad Pitt’s balls and beat him within an inch of his life with his own spine. A tattoo is a lot more tasteful than turning his testicles and backbone into a necklace.