In Touch Weekly — who was the first tabloid magazine to break the news of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy with twins last year, by the way — is claiming that Brangelina is knocked up again and already three months along with her seventh child. Dear God. Us Weekly says

In Touch claims Jolie announced she was pregnant in a London restaurant when a waiter tried to pour her [an alcoholic] drink. The magazine says beau Brad Pitt was annoyed because he wasn’t ready to go public with the news. In Touch also reports Jolie pushed forward filming of Edwin A. Salt so her bump wouldn’t be visible.

Look, if it’s complete asexualization of their pseudo-marriage she was looking for, she could have just lopped off Brad’s wiener with pruning shears and glued some tortellini where his dick used to be. Almost as good as a vagina, and it’d save them all a whole lotta time in the long run.

Angie at the 12th Annual Hollywood Film Festival’s Awards Gala last month:

Worth1000 has worked their digital wizardry on the likes of Amy Winehouse and Keira Knightley in their latest photoshop endeavor, “Celebrities as Body Builders.” Sadly, this may be the best Amy Winehouse has ever looked in her life. She’s like what Madonna would look like if she were an actual Jew or even slightly effeminate in the least.

More digitally-altered actress hijinx:

Brace yourself, Brangelinaphiles — Brad Pitt is going to be on today’s Oprah, and he’s going to be talking about Angie and kiddies! Squeal! Us Weekly caught a little excerpt from the interview:

Brad says “[My kids are] the funniest people I’ve ever met. And you know it really tells you — it’s a great mirror for yourself. It really tells you a lot about yourself and who you are and how you react to things. They make me better. They make me a better person as a father.”

Asked which of his six children is the funniest, Pitt tells Winfrey, “They all have their own thing. They don’t mean to be funny. Right now Shi’s in this thing. First of all, she only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing. So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want’ — ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, do you — would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ “So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that — that’s cute to parents and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”

Boy, little kids get away with everything. Babies especially. When those little bastards sidle up to a boob and clamp down on the nipple, it’s all “awww” this and “miracle of life” that. When I do it, suddenly “pepper spray to the face” is the only appropriate response. And don’t even get me started on crapping my pants in public. If I had a nickel for every time I was escorted off a commuter train with a pantload between my knees, I’d probably be an eleven-thousandaire by now. At the very least, I wouldn’t be taking the goddamn commuter train to work every day, I can promise you that. Surely children are the true kings among men.

Angelina Jolie in the December issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK:

The normally-stoic Angelina Jolie broke down in tears yesterday after broaching the subject of her late mother Marcheline Bertrand at a London press conference for her new movie “The Changeling.” Angelina said of her mother:

“‘Her name was Marcheline, but we used to call her Marshmallow, as a joke, because she was just the softest, most gentle woman in the world. She was really sweet and was never angry - she couldn’t swear to save her life. But when it came to her kids, she was really fierce and so this (film) is very much her, her story.

She was the woman I related to, who had that elegance and strength for knowing what was right.”

Incidentally, the kids in my neighborhood growing up used to call me “marshmallow,” too. But not because of my meek and tenderhearted spirit. Because I was pushing a hundred and fifty pounds in the third grade and required a special desk and chafing cream after kickball. Kids can be real bastards sometimes.

Morticia and Gomez leaving their hotel last night:

Jennifer Aniston makes the mistake of deeming Angelina Jolie “uncool” in the upcoming issue of Vogue magazine over comments Angie made about her and Brad’s burgeoning relationship in a Vogue interview last year. The NY Daily News says

Jennifer Aniston wishes Angelina Jolie could have just kept her trap shut.

“What Angelina did was very uncool,” Aniston declares. “There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening,” says Aniston about how Jolie gushed about the excitement of seeing her then married “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” co-star Pitt everyday. “I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss.”

Jennifer Aniston calling Angelina Jolie “uncool” is like Strom Thurmond calling Miley Cyrus “old.” And for the record, Strom Thurmond has been fucking dead for five years. You do the math.

Angelina at the Kung Fu Panda DVD release party November 10th:

This smells like a load of crap to me, but Star is claiming that Angelina Jolie is worried about Brad Pitt maybe possibly having an undue amount of interest in Diane Kruger, his costar in Quentin Tarantino’s asininely misspelled new movie:

Angie is livid, sources say, over Brad’s recent freewheeling behavior with the happily single costars and director of his latest movie, Inglourious Basterds. But what’s really sending Angie over the edge is the blatant flirtation between him and his gorgeous leading lady, German actress Diane Kruger! “Angie loves Brad and wants to trust him, but she also knows that their own love blossomed while working on a movie together,” an insider tells Star. “Now she’s convinced that Diane has a crush on Brad, and she’s scared something could happen.”

Angelina’s instincts first kicked into high gear in September when Brad and divorcée Diane both attended an intimate cast dinner without her in Berlin. “They went through several bottles of wine,” Mimmo Bianco, manager of Italian restaurant Al Contadino Sotto le Stelle tells Star. “It was obvious he was having a great time.”

I can think of at least 18 reasons why this is stupid and probably a pack of lies, but let’s focus on the two most obvious.  First, every time I’ve ever seen a photo of Diane Kruger, she’s wrapped around Joshua Jackson like a giant squid on a sperm whale.  I’m fairly certain she often has no idea where she actually is, because she hardly ever looks anywhere except directly at Joshua Jackson’s face.  She seems pretty content with her lot, such as it is.  Second, Brad Pitt would have to be completely goddamn retarded to cheat on Angelina Jolie, especially with Diane Kruger.  Diane’s an incredibly lovely woman, but Angelina Jolie is… well, LOOK at her.  Plus, Angelina is one of the most famous people in the world.  I bet if you showed the average person a photo of Diane Kruger, they’d get a giant wrinkle in their forehead, say “Ummmm…” for at least three solid minutes, and then snap and go, “She was the girl in those assy treasure hunting movies with Nicolas Cage’s hairplugs!  Man, Nicolas Cage completely sucks.”

The funniest part of the story, though, is this:

Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston, who was married to Brad when he costarred in Troy with Diane, was always jealous of Diane, sources say, so Angelina’s predicament is a small victory. “Jen would absolutely love it if Angie got a taste of her own medicine and hasn’t been shy about letting everyone know,” says an insider. “Jen didn’t trust Diane when she worked with Brad, and now she’s happy that Angelina knows how it feels. For her it would be the sweetest karma!”

Hahaha!  Oh, that Jennifer Aniston.  I hope none of Brad and Angie’s United Colours of Benetton crew ever get a pet bunny, because it’ll totally end up in a stew pot.  Well, what is Jen supposed to do?  He won’t answer her calls; he changes his number.  I mean, she’s not gonna be IGNORED, Brad!

After swearing off marriage until gay people have the right to wed, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may end up tying the knot after all. She told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair

“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, “Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?”

Ah, Shrek! I’ve learned many important life lessons from that movie. Namely, that it’s perfectly normal to have to have pets that talk back to you and that one day, giant cookies will join forces with us in our fight to overthrow the establishment. Don’t let your psychologist tell you any different!

We’re picking up right where we left off with those pictures Brad took of Angelina in the art issue of W Magazine, right at the see-through nipple and crack part (or “the good part” as it’s referred to in elite photography circles). Witness how Brad transformed the above picture from “shitty photograph” to “highbrow art” simply by adhering to these four basic rules:

1.) Only use black and white film

2.) Three words: overexpose, overexpose, overexpose!!

3.) Intentionally blur the subject by using a shutter speed of 1/60 or longer (or get your Grandma with Parkinson’s to hold the camera), and lastly

4.) Make sure there’s a naked or almost-naked chick in the photograph

And there you have it! Stay tuned for next week’s Shortcut to Success lesson, where we’ll be tackling the finer points of turning “mindless celebrity gossip” into “thought-provoking social satire!”

Ever wondered what an (NSFW) hemorrhoid might look like if it had eyes and a nose and could talk back to you? Well, wonder no more, my friends.

More of Brad Pitt’s candids of Angelina and the kids in the art issue of W Magazine:

Good morning, children!  This is Sarah.  Abby has the rest of the day off, so you’re stuck with me.  As consolation, I present to you: boobs.  Well, one boob, anyway.  And you can’t really see it, actually.  I guess really it’s just some side boob… listen, this ain’t Playboy, ok?  We peddle flesh, sure, but we’re KLASSY up in here, and don’t you forget it.  Moving on…

November’s W Magazine will contain personal photos taken by Brad Pitt of Angelina Jolie with the twins, Knox and Vivienne, including the cover shot of Angelina nursing one of them.  No, I don’t know which one, but if you want to be all Creeptastic Nancy Drew then I suppose you could try to identify the baby by that disembodied tiny tot hand, which apparently has only three fingers… are these twins part Muppet?  Whatever, I bet Angie and Brad could fashion children out of twigs, straw, mud and saliva the way birds build houses, and they’d still be the cutest kids in the universe.  I’m no geneticist, but I’m pretty sure those two contain beautiful, beautiful supergenes which are so dominant, they could probably each lay a hand on Michael Jackson and, through the power of touch alone, fix the eight thousand things wrong with his face.

Aaaanyway, the point here is that Brad Pitt would like for you to know that Angelina Jolie not only has breasts, but that they function and he can look at them whenever he wants.  He would like you to witness the contented smile on Angie’s face as he photographs her with only half a shirt on.  He apparently feels that three squalling beings as physical evidence of their intimacy is insufficient, and he would like to further rub it in your face that THIS is what sprawls out in bed next to him every night.  Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is totally sobbing into a plate full of cake, washing it down with a fifth of vodka and drunk dialing John Mayer.

The sleek figure Angelina Jolie unveiled at “The Changeling” premiere last weekend may be courtesy of a plastic surgeon. Star Magazine says

After three tough months, Brad Pitt’s partner has emerged from her self-imposed exile, and the secret behind her isolation — and her glamorous new look — is a tummy tuck!

The 33-year-old actress fretted over the size of her stomach while she was pregnant with Knox and Vivienne. “She doesn’t like to talk about it or admit it, but Angie told some friends that she had a ‘mommy tuck,’ ” says a family insider. “She likes the way that sounds better than tummy tuck.”

A “mommy tuck!” How nice. Everyone likes innocuous euphemisms. Sorta like “bogeying hole number two” instead of “sloppy butt sex.” Or “$700 billion dollar bailout” instead of “segway into communism.” Makes things a little easier to swallow!

At the Make It Right Site in New Orleans earlier this week:

Angelina Jolie showcased some fresh ink on her upper arm at the New York premiere of “The Changeling” Saturday night. The Daily Mail says

Wearing a tight, strapless black dress, Angelina showed off her trim figure, as well as two new additions to the tattoo on her arm. The actress [has added] the longitude and latitude co-ordinates of the birthplace of her twins, Vivienne and Knox [to the already existing tattoo of the birthplace co-ordinates of her other four children].

At the rate she and Brad are going, Angie’s gonna wind up with a full biker-style sleeve and have to resort to prison-style finger tattoos. And while sexy on the former-gang-member-turned-poet you may or may not have dated during your anti-establishment phase in college, having more numbers inked on your body than a card catalog doesn’t really get most men hot. Unless the numbers just happen to be all the rankings and stats of their Fantasy Football team, you’re probably better off just sticking with with the cleavage.

At the NYFW Centerpiece Screening of The Changeling Saturday night:

Out and about in New York City the night before: