Contrary to the rumour started by the National Enquirer yesterday, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up, says their rep.  From People:

Rumors of a breakup are “not true,” says the rep.

Reports surfaced Wednesday that Pitt and Jolie, who are parents to six children, were planning to make a split “official.” The reports stemmed from a story in the National Enquirer.

Just last month, the couple made a glamorous appearance together on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival where Pitt’s new film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered. Jolie has also been filming her upcoming movie, Salt.

Ugh.  Whatever.  I told y’all that you can’t believe a damn thing from the Enquirer when the news is slow.  They outright make stuff up when there’s no real headlines.  By Friday, they’ll no doubt be running a story that Brad and Angie have set a wedding date and are moving forward with plans for Adventureland Panama.

According to the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially splitting up:

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.

The deciding moment for the pair came when they had strained words with each other while in Cannes, France, for the screening of Brad’s new movie Inglourious Basterds.

They put on a romantic show in front of the media, but Angie, 34, and Brad, 45, become frosty as soon as the spotlight was off, say friends.

A jealous Angelina was said to be incensed over the attention Brad was getting from other women,  having argued recently over Brad’s continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

“Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.

It is, of course, theoretically possible that this is true, but there are a few things you should keep in mind here.  First, magazines like the Enquirer have been declaring Brad & Angelina broken up and/or engaged every few days for the past five years.  Second, it’s been an incredibly slow few weeks in celebrity news, and the Enquirer’s general philosophy is that when there’s no real news, they just write their own.

So sure, maybe Brad and Angie are splitting up.  They also might be looking into purchasing the country of Panama to turn it into an adventureland for their kids, or they could be considering making themselves a sovereign nation and declaring war on Belgium.  Anything’s possible.

Angelina Jolie suffered minor injuries filming a stunt for her new movie Salt in Long Island earlier today.  From Star:

Angie was taken to the hospital after bumping her head, reports TMZ. She got a cut in between her eyes which bled a little.

The star’s manager said she will be fine.

Angelina, her partner Brad Pitt and their children have been staying in Long Island while she shoots Salt, the story of a CIA officer on the run.

The film’s production company released a statement saying, “This morning while filming an action sequence… Angelina Jolie sustained a minor injury. As a precautionary measure, Ms. Jolie will be taken to the hospital and examined. Production on the film has resumed.”

So, to recap: Angelina Jolie got an itty bitty bump on the head and has a boo-boo that was most likely patched up by one of the Spongebob Squarepants bandaids that a mother of six no doubt has stashed in a pocket of her purse.  And yet Star’s website has a giant headline screaming, “Angelina Jolie Hospitalised”.  I’m so glad nobody’s panicking.

What more Cannes I say here? That Angelina Jolie is unbelievably, jaw-droppingly, moutain-ox strangling punch-your-mother-in-the-face gorgeous? Please. That’s like trying to sing with all the voices of the mountains or paint with all the colors of the wind. It really only works if you’re two-dimensional and cloyingly stereotyped.

Batshit insane Octomom Nadya Suleman might have claimed she couldn’t remember any of the details of her foray into lapdancing, but fortunately for us, the strippers she worked with still do. Among the shocking allegations of her former co-workers? Octomommy’s stage name was “Angelina.” Like Angelina Jolie. Who also has a passel of children, long dark hair and oversized lips. What an amazing coincidence! According to MSNBC

“I met her at an amateur contest, and we wound up doing parties together,” a stripper called “Sage” [said]. “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”

“Numerous sources” confirmed Suleman, who has previously denied any interest in copying or even being a fan of celebrity mom Angelina Jolie, danced under the name “Angelina” and hoped to become a household name one day. “(Suleman) always said she wanted to be really famous,” explained Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who claims he once shuttled Suleman and other dancers to those aforementioned parties.

I give it three months before she’s arrested for trespassing on Brangelina property with a set of detailed instructions for filleting Angie whole so she can wear her skin like a suit. Buffalo Bill’s got nothin’ on this crazy bitch.

Wannabe Angelina:

Real Angelina:

All may not be well in Brangelinaland — Angelina reportedly caught Brad dallying with the help late last week. According to Star Magazine

Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!

“She completely flipped out,” says the insider. “She got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs, and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back!”

The explosive argument woke up the sleeping twins, who began to cry. As Brad tried to console both the twins and the nanny, Angie just snapped — and slapped! — hitting him right across the face.

“He was stunned,” reveals the insider.

What makes this all the more shameful is that Angie reportedly used Brad’s own ballsack to slap him in the face. “Keeping his nuts on my person with his spine and what’s left of his free will really comes in handy during an argument,” she’s quoted as saying. I’d have to agree with her there. In my own personal experience, nothing stings quite like a scrotum to the face. But I’m afraid that’s a story for another day!

Angie filming “Salt” in D.C.:

There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna:

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night, and as expected, “Slumdog Millionaire” cleaned house. Not literally, of course. It wasn’t a movie about Mexicans. Maybe what I should have said was “cleaned the Slurpee machine.” God knows I don’t want to come off sounding like some kind of racist. People Magazine says

Slumdog Millionaire racked up eight Academy Awards, including those for Best Picture and for its Director, Danny Boyle.

But it was not the underdog, The Wrestler star Mickey Rourke, who was named Best Actor. That Oscar category was won by Sean Penn, for Milk.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her role… in The Reader. She confided to the audience in her acceptance speech that she first pretended to win an Oscar when she was 8 and looking in the bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle. Only, Sunday night on the stage, she was holding a world-famous golden statuette. “Well,” she said, “it’s not a shampoo bottle now.”

The late Heath Ledger was named Best Supporting Actor for what presenter Kevin Kline called his “menacing, mercurial, droll and diabolical” role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. Penélope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

[While nominated for 13 awards], The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [only]… ended up with three Oscars, for Art Direction, Makeup and Visual Effects.

I could keep going with this, or I could just read aloud the 1992’s census report while smearing Vick’s Vapo-Rub into your eyes. You’ll get the same feeling either way.

The night’s best-dressed below; for the complete list of winners click here.

Anne Hathaway:

Amy Adams:

Marion Cotillard:

Penelope Cruz:

Natalie Portman:

Brad and Angelina:

Honorable mentions Alicia Keys, Taj Henson, Diane Lane, Marissa Tomei and Robin Wright-Penn (just for the back):

Oh look, wee tiny Brangelinas.  Made out of lipstick.  How… nice?  Okay, they’re being auctioned for charity, so I guess it’s pretty nice.  Cosmetics site feelunique.com teamed with artist Willard Wigan to sculpt miniatures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie out of lipstick after they topped a poll for the world’s most kissable lips.  Wigan spent more than 50 hours carving the micro sculptures, which each measure a scant 9mm in height and 4mm in width.  Now they’re being auctioned as a set, with all proceeds going to Breast Cancer Campaign.

Here’s artist Willard Wigan with the sculptures, and I seriously love how he’s looking at them like he wants to bite their heads off:

Because those bastard English are never happy unless they’re showing everyone else up, they also had an awards show last night.  It was the BAFTAs, and it was chock full of more interesting people in better clothes than the stupid losers at the Grammys.  Yay for red carpet round-ups (holy shit, I cannot wait for awards season to be over)!

Kate Winslet won yet another award, once again looked hot as hell doing it:

Brad’s still got that dumbass mustache, but Angelina didn’t wear a shapeless sack this time.  Her dress actually fit her and even had a sliver of colour!

Robert Downey, Jr. looked fantastic, and he was being so sweetly adorable with his wife that I think I got Diabetes just from looking at them:

(more…)

No, that’s not Angelina Jolie after a chemical fire; it’s mother of implanted octuplets Nadya Suleman being interviewed by Ann Curry for a Dateline special set to air on Monday night. But it might as well be her. According to OK! Magazine

Angie is hoping to be pregnant with baby number seven by summertime.

“Angie is doing everything she can to get pregnant,” [says] a source close to the actress. “She’s taking prenatal vitamins… and is seeing her obstetrician regularly.”

Doctors advised Angie not to conceive for at least a year following the July 12 birth of Knox and Vivienne. But the actress is wasting no time in making sure the pregnancy happens on schedule – or even before.

“Her goal is to be pregnant by the time Knox and Viv have their first birthday,” reveals the source.

Finally, a competitor worthy of the Brangelina birthing machine! Except, you know, Brad and Angelina have millions of dollars, and Nadya is bankrupt and living with her folks. So there’s that. Oh, and Angelina’s uterus probably never has to be stuffed back inside her puss with the aid of both of her fists and a size 11 shoe. And Angelina’s face doesn’t look like it was melted off in a fire and then reconstructed entirely from silly putty and coagulated pudding. Other than that, they’re practically the same person.

Angelina at a Tokyo press conference for “The Changeling”:

Hullo, kids.  It’s Sarah today.  I hope it’s a slow day at the office for you, because then maybe this will seem exciting by comparison.  Brace yourselves… Brad and Angelina arrived in Tokyo with their whole Rainbow Coalition in tow, and the world finally got a good look at Knox and Vivienne.  Oh, I know.  It’s super duper exciting, because these two drooling infants are totally different than every other dumb drooling infant we’re forced to look at simply because it clawed its way out of some celebrity’s abdomen.

Does the Brangelina troupe fly commercial?  Anybody know?  I know they’ve got that “save the world” vendetta happening, but I’m not sure if it translates into consorting with the unwashed masses on commercial flights, or if they still fly private jets and just pretend they run on righteous indignation.  If they do fly commercial, can you just imagine the looks on the faces of the people who shelled out for a first class ticket to Tokyo and then got seated next to this travelling circus?  Trapped in a plane for 11 hours with six loud, sticky children swarming the joint?  Jesus, I’d kill myself.  Also, Knox looks like an idiot in that jackassy hat: