Brad Pitt reportedly arranged a clandestine meeting with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during his trip to New York late last month. I smell a pity-fuck! The Daily Mail says

The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie.

It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year.

A source [said] that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel the day after he attended a political conference with former U.S. president Bill Clinton in New York.

Asking Jennifer Aniston for relationship advice is like asking a fat person for diet tips or a Trekkie for a condom. I would just assume you were making fun of me and run away crying.

At the premiere of “Love Crappens:”

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

The rarely-seen Jolie-Pitt twins Knox and Vivienne were photographed with parents Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt as they stopped for ice cream during a visit to Amman, Jordan this weekend. The Daily Mail says

The couple made a surprise visit to the Licky Licious gelato store where the owner Ihab Fakhouri snapped a picture of the family that was later posted on Twitter.

It was a very rare public outing for the 14-month-old twins who, unlike their high-profile siblings, have only been seen a handful of times since their birth.

It has led to speculation about their health, with some US publications claiming they suffered allergies and were kept hidden away for safety reasons.

But the pair looked like ‘really happy kids’ according to Fakhouri, who gave them pecan, caramel, vanilla and mango ice cream to try.

They make for a lovely family, don’t they? Well, the twins and Angelina, I mean. Brad looks like he should be trip-trapping over a bridge to confront the hungry troll who passed over his two billy goat brothers.

Brad Pitt dropped over eighty grand last week building a special home for — wait for it — his kids’ new pet gerbils. Suck on that, New Orleans! The Sun says

Architecture fanatic Brad Pitt spent $82,000 building [the] bespoke run [and] personally oversaw every step of the project, [which] features a maze of tunnels, seesaws and platforms.

A source said: “Brad pores over architectural journals like other people pore over newspapers. He had so much fun putting the run together with his kids. It’s incredibly complex and cost a lot but Brad’s more than happy with any activity that can combine his two passions - his kids and architecture.”

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’d wished I was a gerbil, I’d have… five fucking cents. What a stupid fucking waste of money.

Buying the gerbils with Angelina, Pax and Maddox:

If you already thought Angelina Jolie was wild in the bedroom, wait until you hear this. Us Magazine says

After arriving at their chateau in the South of France, [Brad and Angelina] took sons Maddox, 8, and Pax, 5, to a local pet and garden shop to buy gerbils on Thursday.

While at the store. Jolie reached into the cage to pet the “gerbilles” while Pitt perused the aisles. The couple stocked up on a cage and gear for their new pets and also bought Maddox a cactus.

Satiating your deviant coked-up rodent sexual fetishes under the guise of obtaining a family pet? That’s just despicable. And a cactus? I don’t even want to know what she’s going to do with with a fucking cactus. Wait… yes. Yes, I do. Perhaps a video. Or she could write it all down and use words like “throbbing” and “quivering” and “manflesh.” Trust me, I’m not picky. You might have met my first three husbands.

It might be a $20,000 dress constructed entirely of aniline-finished top grain leather made from the skin of unborn baby calves and stitched together by a small tribe of leather craftsmen living in the foothills of the Andes, but the fact still remains Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are dressed alike. Only seventh grade girls and people who get their portraits made at Olan Mills do that. Gay!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Contrary to the rumour started by the National Enquirer yesterday, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up, says their rep.  From People:

Rumors of a breakup are “not true,” says the rep.

Reports surfaced Wednesday that Pitt and Jolie, who are parents to six children, were planning to make a split “official.” The reports stemmed from a story in the National Enquirer.

Just last month, the couple made a glamorous appearance together on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival where Pitt’s new film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered. Jolie has also been filming her upcoming movie, Salt.

Ugh.  Whatever.  I told y’all that you can’t believe a damn thing from the Enquirer when the news is slow.  They outright make stuff up when there’s no real headlines.  By Friday, they’ll no doubt be running a story that Brad and Angie have set a wedding date and are moving forward with plans for Adventureland Panama.

According to the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially splitting up:

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.

The deciding moment for the pair came when they had strained words with each other while in Cannes, France, for the screening of Brad’s new movie Inglourious Basterds.

They put on a romantic show in front of the media, but Angie, 34, and Brad, 45, become frosty as soon as the spotlight was off, say friends.

A jealous Angelina was said to be incensed over the attention Brad was getting from other women,  having argued recently over Brad’s continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

“Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.

It is, of course, theoretically possible that this is true, but there are a few things you should keep in mind here.  First, magazines like the Enquirer have been declaring Brad & Angelina broken up and/or engaged every few days for the past five years.  Second, it’s been an incredibly slow few weeks in celebrity news, and the Enquirer’s general philosophy is that when there’s no real news, they just write their own.

So sure, maybe Brad and Angie are splitting up.  They also might be looking into purchasing the country of Panama to turn it into an adventureland for their kids, or they could be considering making themselves a sovereign nation and declaring war on Belgium.  Anything’s possible.

Angelina Jolie suffered minor injuries filming a stunt for her new movie Salt in Long Island earlier today.  From Star:

Angie was taken to the hospital after bumping her head, reports TMZ. She got a cut in between her eyes which bled a little.

The star’s manager said she will be fine.

Angelina, her partner Brad Pitt and their children have been staying in Long Island while she shoots Salt, the story of a CIA officer on the run.

The film’s production company released a statement saying, “This morning while filming an action sequence… Angelina Jolie sustained a minor injury. As a precautionary measure, Ms. Jolie will be taken to the hospital and examined. Production on the film has resumed.”

So, to recap: Angelina Jolie got an itty bitty bump on the head and has a boo-boo that was most likely patched up by one of the Spongebob Squarepants bandaids that a mother of six no doubt has stashed in a pocket of her purse.  And yet Star’s website has a giant headline screaming, “Angelina Jolie Hospitalised”.  I’m so glad nobody’s panicking.

What more Cannes I say here? That Angelina Jolie is unbelievably, jaw-droppingly, moutain-ox strangling punch-your-mother-in-the-face gorgeous? Please. That’s like trying to sing with all the voices of the mountains or paint with all the colors of the wind. It really only works if you’re two-dimensional and cloyingly stereotyped.

Batshit insane Octomom Nadya Suleman might have claimed she couldn’t remember any of the details of her foray into lapdancing, but fortunately for us, the strippers she worked with still do. Among the shocking allegations of her former co-workers? Octomommy’s stage name was “Angelina.” Like Angelina Jolie. Who also has a passel of children, long dark hair and oversized lips. What an amazing coincidence! According to MSNBC

“I met her at an amateur contest, and we wound up doing parties together,” a stripper called “Sage” [said]. “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”

“Numerous sources” confirmed Suleman, who has previously denied any interest in copying or even being a fan of celebrity mom Angelina Jolie, danced under the name “Angelina” and hoped to become a household name one day. “(Suleman) always said she wanted to be really famous,” explained Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who claims he once shuttled Suleman and other dancers to those aforementioned parties.

I give it three months before she’s arrested for trespassing on Brangelina property with a set of detailed instructions for filleting Angie whole so she can wear her skin like a suit. Buffalo Bill’s got nothin’ on this crazy bitch.

Wannabe Angelina:

Real Angelina:

All may not be well in Brangelinaland — Angelina reportedly caught Brad dallying with the help late last week. According to Star Magazine

Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!

“She completely flipped out,” says the insider. “She got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs, and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back!”

The explosive argument woke up the sleeping twins, who began to cry. As Brad tried to console both the twins and the nanny, Angie just snapped — and slapped! — hitting him right across the face.

“He was stunned,” reveals the insider.

What makes this all the more shameful is that Angie reportedly used Brad’s own ballsack to slap him in the face. “Keeping his nuts on my person with his spine and what’s left of his free will really comes in handy during an argument,” she’s quoted as saying. I’d have to agree with her there. In my own personal experience, nothing stings quite like a scrotum to the face. But I’m afraid that’s a story for another day!

Angie filming “Salt” in D.C.:

There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna: