If you’ve ever wondered what Carrot Top would look like in Kabuki makeup, all your dreams just came true. Pervert.

First pictures of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts, and Anne Hathaway as the White Queen in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland:

Here’s Anne Hathaway at the NBC studio NYC for her appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, rocking porcelain skin, a tight red bandage dress, and yards of legs. I think her kneecap would come up to my hipbone. Red is definitely her color and I like that she doesn’t spray tan. She’s one of the lucky ones who can look pale but not pasty. Anyway, she looks smokin’ hot, so enjoy!

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night, and as expected, “Slumdog Millionaire” cleaned house. Not literally, of course. It wasn’t a movie about Mexicans. Maybe what I should have said was “cleaned the Slurpee machine.” God knows I don’t want to come off sounding like some kind of racist. People Magazine says

Slumdog Millionaire racked up eight Academy Awards, including those for Best Picture and for its Director, Danny Boyle.

But it was not the underdog, The Wrestler star Mickey Rourke, who was named Best Actor. That Oscar category was won by Sean Penn, for Milk.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her role… in The Reader. She confided to the audience in her acceptance speech that she first pretended to win an Oscar when she was 8 and looking in the bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle. Only, Sunday night on the stage, she was holding a world-famous golden statuette. “Well,” she said, “it’s not a shampoo bottle now.”

The late Heath Ledger was named Best Supporting Actor for what presenter Kevin Kline called his “menacing, mercurial, droll and diabolical” role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. Penélope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

[While nominated for 13 awards], The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [only]… ended up with three Oscars, for Art Direction, Makeup and Visual Effects.

I could keep going with this, or I could just read aloud the 1992’s census report while smearing Vick’s Vapo-Rub into your eyes. You’ll get the same feeling either way.

The night’s best-dressed below; for the complete list of winners click here.

Anne Hathaway:

Amy Adams:

Marion Cotillard:

Penelope Cruz:

Natalie Portman:

Brad and Angelina:

Honorable mentions Alicia Keys, Taj Henson, Diane Lane, Marissa Tomei and Robin Wright-Penn (just for the back):

Anne Hathaway seems to finally be over her dirtbag ex-boyfriend Rafaello Folliieri — she was photographed sucking face with actor Adam Shulman last week. The Daily Mail says

Anne was spotted kissing her new man on the way to a photoshoot the day before the Golden Globes - leaving little doubt that the pair are lovers. The stylish brunette appeared happy and relaxed as she passionately embraced Adam before heading off.They clearly couldn’t keep their hands off each other as Anne, 26, cuddled up to Adam on her driveway.

You’d have to feel pretty good about your chances of scoring with Anne Hathway after somebody like Rafaello Follieri. As long as you’re not a kiddie-molestor or a nursing home rapist, you’re already a thousand times better than that guy. Even Somalian pirates and that Marine who kicked a puppy off a cliff never swindled old people while masquerading as an agent of the church. Like my dad always said, dignity is a real pussy magnet.

At the Palms Springs International Film Festival:

At the Critics Choice Awards:

Since it is seriously the slowest news day ever, here’s Anne Hathaway being boringly gorgeous (as always) in the January ‘09 issue of Vogue.  If she could just work with me here and date another swindler or something, it would really help me out.  It would be even better if she started swindling people her own self.  Or maybe if she had a torrid affair with a married professional athlete, or started her own crazy religion.  I would even be willing to accept a fake lesbian relationship!  Something.  ANYTHING.  I mean, c’mon lady.  Stop being so damn normal.  Spice it up a little!

Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sentenced to 4½ years in prison yesterday after pleading guilty to 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy back in September. According to People Magazine

Follieri, who conceivably could have faced up to 265 years in prison, had agreed not to appeal a sentence less than 63 months in prison. The bureau of prisons will decide the level of security under which he’ll be placed.

Follieri delivered a statement in which he said, “What I did was wrong and there is no point in making excuses. … I will never be able to wash away the shame. … I just hope that someday those who have been hurt by my actions will forgive me.”

I suppose 4½ years is still better than 265 years. Even though 4½ civilian years actually translates to — let’s see, carry the one, divide by five, and… roughly 3,768 ass-rapings, give or take a few. Prison years works kinda like dog years, except instead of factoring in the person’s age, you use the penis factorial as your variable. See, math can be fun!

Anne looking gorgeous at the “Rachel Getting Married” premiere in London on Tuesday:

It looks like Anne Hathaway pulled out of the relationship just in time, because things just went from bad to oh-shit-I’m-screwed for her ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. The 29-year old Italian businessman is staring down 20 years in prison for posing as an agent of the Vatican in order to scam investors out millions of dollars. The 18-page indictment charges

Follieri boasted of meeting Pope Benedict and of being tapped as the Vatican’s number one man on U.S. real estate deals. He used investors’ money to hire a pair of monsignors… to [dress as] senior clergyman “to create the false impression that Follieri had close ties to the Vatican.”

Prosecutors say Follieri used the loot to live the high life with Hathaway. His luxury expenses included a $37,000-a-month apartment, tailor-made Italian suits and a $30,000 house call from his physician, who had to be flown in to London.

That’s why you never do business with Italians. It’s always “Some day — and that day may never come — I’ll call upon you to do a service for me” this and “You nothing but a-skin and bones-a! How come-a you no eat-a the canoli? Mama mia!” that. Unless you’re in the market for a couple of reams of chest hair or pizza and a hair cut, you’re better off just avoiding them altogether. Fortunately, you can usually smell them coming a mile away, so keeping your distance isn’t too hard.

Anne at the Australian premiere of “Get Smart”:

After four years together, actress Anne Hathaway finally dumped her swindling check-bouncing boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. The The Daily Mail offers this insight into the split:

Hathaway made the painful decision because of the effects his controversial business dealings could have on her career.

His charity Follieri Foundation, which funded vaccination programs in developing countries, was being investigated by the New York State Attorney General’s Office [for fraud]. Follieri was [also] sued by a former business associate for bouncing a $215,000 check [last year].

The real test is going to be her ability to remain immune to his attempts to win her back. That first (collect) call from prison; the bouquets of yellow roses (bought with a credit card opened in her name); the diamond necklace (purchased with the insurance money from those “debilitating injuries” he suffered in that “car crash” last summer). A girl’d practically have to be an impenetrable fortress to deny those kind of romantic gestures. Or at least not legally blind and functionally retarded.

Promo stills for Get Smart:

Anne Hathaway sported an hideous fake orange tan yesterday on the set of her new movie “Bride Wars.” A legal squabble later erupted between the producers of the film and Paris Hilton, who claims exclusive rights to the skin shades Burnt Sienna, Vivid Tangerine, Raw Ochre, and Neon Carrot. Also something called the “Double Bubble Blowjob” and “felching.” Reps for either side were unavailable for comment.

With Kate Hudson on set:

It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!: