Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says

“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.

When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”

“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”

Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Actress Anne Heche is carrying another life form inside of her! And no, this one isn’t a half-sibling of Jesus or the communiqué of extraterrestrials. Not yet, anyway. According to Us Weekly

Anne Heche and her beau, actor James Tupper, are expecting their first child together. “They are thrilled,” her rep tells Us. The two first met in 2006 on the set of their short-lived ABC drama Men In Trees while Heche was still wed to husband Coley Laffoon.

Let’s do the math, shall we? Anne Heche herself admitted that she was batshit insane for the first thirty years of her life. She still claims to have an alter ego (the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus mentioned earlier) named “Celestia” who regularly chats with outer space aliens. And don’t let’s forget that Anne also reportedly contracted herpes from her sexually-abusive gay father. Given that information, what are the mathematical odds that their baby won’t end up a gender-confused closet-cutting alcoholic? Make sure and show your work. Answers at the bottom of the post.

ANSWER: Negative zero. Also acceptable: 24/7 69. Get it? Wooo!