Yesterday I said that Leann Rimes’ ass was all flat and sad and Caucasoid, and then today I see these pictures of her in a different bikini. Look, I’m not one to mince words, and I’m not one who won’t own up to mistakes. I was wrong about Leann Rimes’ ass. Plain and simple. It’s just all part of the learning process. Mistakes are how we grow. I know it will take a while for you to trust me again, but with time and healing, I think we can make our way through this.

Leann Rimes and her very not-sad not-flat technically-Caucasoid-but-not-in-the-way-I-meant-it ass in Hawaii

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Leann Rimes looks like she’s flaring her nostrils in every last one of these pictures, which means she’s either permanently in a huff (entirely plausible) or she’s lost so much weight that her nostrils are too big for her face (also entirely plausible). Thank God the breast implants are there to distract from it.

With husband Eddie Cibrian in Hawaii:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Photos of Angelina Jolie boarding her private plane looking like a damn corpse have sparked new concerns that the actress is suffering from an eating disorder. She’s barely a hundred pounds soaking wet and she’s five fucking eight. Of course the bitch has an eating disorder. Jesus. Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills The Daily Mail says:

According to Grazia magazine, Angelina survives on as little as 600 calories a day.

“Angelina has been known to start her day with little more than a spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal,” a source told Grazia last week.

“Sometimes she’ll skip lunch altogether or will just grab a few almonds and some gummy bears while she’s on the go, or will have a protein-based shake.

A lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far… everyone has been begging her to eat more, but unfortunately she just doesn’t seem to be putting on any more weight.”

Angelina Jolie was so stunningly beautiful back in her Lara Croft heyday, and now she looks like something that should be haunting a lake. She’s all sinew and bone. Shaking hands with her would be like shaking hands with a damn eagle.

And now for someone who clearly ISN’T anorexic, the lovely Salma Hayek at the “Puss ‘n Boots” photocall in Rome:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Angelina Jolie is here at the Cannes Film Festival promoting Kung Fu Panda 2, and although she is ridiculously beautiful, she is starting to really get that malnourished look to her. You know, where your hands and feet start looking too big for your arms and legs, which take on a twig-like appearance themselves. Combine that with the linear tattoos on her shoulder, and she’s like a poster child for putting a happy spin on an Auschwitz prisoner. Like, Hitler’s PR men told him, “You know, maybe people wouldn’t be so adverse to going to our camps if we took a really beautiful prisoner, dressed her up, and handed her over to a really good makeup artist, and then took pictures of her waving and looking happy, and put her on a poster that said, “Hitler’s Concentration Camps–Where Beautiful People Are Happy”–or something like that”. But we all know there’s nothing funny about concentration camps, so now that I was trying to make a joke about it, you can all hate me now.

Leann Rimes posted a picture of herself in a bikini on her Twitter yesterday (above, right) in an attempt to convince you that she’s not suffering from an eating disorder (above, left). And then to prove just how not eating-disorder-stricken she is, she repeatedly talked about how much she loved cookies(!) and pizza(!) and for good measure added that she didn’t have an eating disorder like seven more times. From her Twitter:

LOVE Thin Mint Cookies! I never know where to buy GS Cookies, so I’m always elated when someone I know has them! Love Thin Mints frozen!”

@lindseyg696 you don’t know me, you have NO idea what I weigh or eat, so why should you have any opinion about my weight?

@lindseyg696 I own that I am healthy and take dang goof care of my body, that’s what I own.

@KarlaHoffman last time we ordered pizza for the boys at our house you were there and I didn’t pass it up. You’ve witnessed it!

@sheilalambert11 I have no eating disorder and I’m healthy

@sweetness509 obviously! I’m not promoting anything BUT health. I workout 3-4 times a week and eat a healthy diet and treat myself.

@amejean @karlahoffman opinion should be based off of facts! There are no facts here other than yes, obviously I’ve lost weight, but I’m not unhealthy, I eat and take care of my body. I went through a divorce and couldn’t get out of bed for days for two years! I’m happy, healthy, joyful and active and work my butt off. That’s life, things change up and down. Real concern comes from people that know me and love me, not a stranger. From a stranger it’s called judgement and not needed. DONE.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Me also thinks nobody really giveth a shit either way. ‘Tis Leann Rimes. The only reason I even posteth these tweets was to misquoteth Hamlet and talketh like an 18th century bard.

22-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel revealed a shockingly emaciated frame when she stepped out in their new swimwear line at The Mondrian hotel in L.A. yesterday. Between swirling around the Ark of the Covenant and commandeering the Army of the Dead in an epic battle against Sauron’s dark army, I bet she stays really busy this time of year.

I didn’t even know asses could be sharp and pointy. It’s almost like someone replaced Olivia Wilde’s bottom with a goddamn carpenter’s square.

Olivia in the January issue of GQ Italia:

What in the holy hell happened to Megan Fox? She showed up at the Golden Globes looking like she was fresh off a year in a concentration camp. And not just any concentration camp, but a concentration camp where they make you wear a hornet’s nest as a helmet while Ike Turner works out his anger issues on your face. The only way this makes any sense is if Brian Austin Green’s penis is really an evil amulet filled with poison and laxatives.

Wearing the latest in breast-binding rhinestone seatbelts:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

For just pennies a day, you can make sure children like Keira have shoes, clean water, and a chance to go to school. Please, won’t you call today?

In Christian Children’s Fund pamphlet Vogue Italia:

This must be one of those elves that didn’t make it to Valinor. I bet they left her at Grey Havens and then laughed and high-fived each other as they sailed away to the Undying Lands.

Ashlee Simpson at the Decade of Denim:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Boy, Zorak has done quite well for himself since “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” was canceled. He looks absolutely fetching as a blonde!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

What the hell is going on with Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands? I’ve seen roosters and velociraptors with less frightening talons. I think it’s pretty obvious that an old fakir put a spell on it to punish those who dare to interfere with fate. Don’t ask it to grant your wishes, it’s a trick!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News