After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.

Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.

Opening monologue:

Jamie Foxx is trying to make amends for bashing “Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus on his self titled Sirius radio show over the weekend. It all started when one of his homies asked him on the air, “Did you all hear what that bitch [Miley] said? She had the nerve to put down Radiohead when they didn’t want to meet her before the Grammys.” Foxx responded with

“Who is Miley Cyrus? The one with all the gums? Let me get an order of mouth, light on the teeth, heavy on the gums.

[Bitch need to] do some heroin… be a lesbian and put some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia.”

In response to the public outcry, Jamie went on last night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno in the hopes of back-pedaling his way to forgiveness. He said

“I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don’t mean any of it. And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far… There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it maliciously.

Miley, I apologize, so I’ll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand.”

Funny how that works, isn’t it? Jamie cracks on Miley’s gums and it’s “harmless” and “all in good fun.” Had Miley mentioned his big-ass gums, she’d be labeled a bigot and a racist and the media backlash would have been swift and unmerciful. Some people call that a double standard. I like to call it, “Bitch, you earned your keep playing Ugly Wanda and the dude who got his salad tossed by a dog in Booty Call.” I guess that’s what they mean when they say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Gummy getting an iced coffee Easter Sunday: