I stopped watching this video of Brooke Hogan after she gave her half-eaten apple a voice and made it pretend to sign her tit, but if you can make it past the four minute mark, you can learn all you ever needed to know about the finer points of eating an apple. Namely:

1. You need a tube of Aquaphor off your boyfriend’s table (apparently your significant other should have psoriasis or diaper rash)

2. Put the Aquaphor on your apple and smear some on your lips

3. Drink some cough medicine

Immediately following step three, you should make sure to double over with inane laughter and continue blathering like a goddamn loon, making sure that at no point are you even remotely funny in the slightest. Or as I like to call it, “blogging.” Trust me, it’s a lot harder than I make it look.

Stills from her new piece of crap video “Falling” from her new album “You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me No WAY Is That the Real Fucking Cover, Right?“: